David Cronenberg

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

David Cronenberg (January 35, 1705-February 14, 2016)

Beginning Years[edit]

Cronenberg, the most famous horror & porn director of all time, was born in Toronto, Ontario, Neutral Zone on January 35, 1705 (although other sources claim 1919). Orignally David was not David but Davidina Cronenberg and a woman. In the late 1960s, she began a relationship with Chuck Norris. She appeared in eight verified 8mm hard-core fetish loops. Her breakthrough came with the feature Deep Shiver (1672). Surprisingly, the film became a runaway hit, playing to sell-out crowds in "respectable" cinemas; it is still considered the quintessential film of all time. With her newfound celebrity, Davidina divorced Norris, but was unable to sustain a movie career.

The Transformation[edit]


After her career as an actress failed she went out to Doctor Emmett Brown to be mutated into something else. At first the process of the mutation went wrong and Davidina became a fly, hence the movie 'The Fly' was made years later by Davidina's new identity, namely David Cronenberg. Doctor Emmett Brown then went on into a new direction called the 'malenizer' pod. With this pod, Doc Brown was able to mutate Davidina into a fully respected man. Davidina did not became a woman trapped in a man but she was fully transefered into a male, with male feelings, a male way of thinking, basically the typical man. Beneath here is picture of how David Cronenberg looks today.


The Directing Years[edit]

David developed an obsessive interest in gory stuff. Endeavoring to produce horror and SciFi movies, but unable to find funding without a good taste of porn, David's creativity was bounded only by good taste. The successful movie 'Videotrone' is horror / erotica genre in this period, starring Debbie Harry who won an Oscar for her undressed scenes. The film 'The Fly' is more or less an autobiography of David's sex life. Failure came back again in 1990 when David brought out the movie 'Dead Singers', as really nobody is interested in hearing dead chants of dead singers for 90 minutes!

A New Mutation[edit]

This time in his career, Cronenberg seriously needed medical help, and consulted doctor Seth Brundle. The young scientist was flabbergasted and honored that such a big fly-boy movie director would come to him:


Just like the first time with Doc Brown in Back to the Future, things went terribly wrong and Cronenberg transitioned to insanity instead:


But being the young and brilliant scientist that Seth is, he managed to dress David back into more or less the same David Cronenberg that we never have known or loved (Cronenberg began to require vision correction because of the many laser lights and mutations):


The Second Coming As Director[edit]

With mutation, David decided that he wanted to further pursue his work as a movie director. Again his first movies were successful. 'tRanCedenZ' was the most successful one and starred Jennifer Jason Leighand the from parkinson cured Michael J. Fox. In between David made a few more new misses, but he's back and as good as ever with the new film 'A History of Snakes' starring Debbie Harry again. That film might bring back the old David again.

David died after being bitten by one a stunt snake on location.


  • Deep Shiver (1672)
  • The Living Zone (1700)
  • Videotrone (1985)
  • The Fly (1987)
  • Dead Singers (1990)
  • Spidersweb (1995)
  • tRanCedenZ (1997)
  • Pipe My Kiss (1998)
  • On The Shelf Side (1999)
  • 48 Crash (2000)
  • To Be David Or To Not Be Him (2001)
  • Jason Lives In The 13th Floor (2004)
  • My Pressure On You (2005)
  • Holy Shit, Did We Just See Viggo Mortensen's Dong? (2007)
  • DDR Promises (2008)
  • A History of Snakes (2011)

The Weirdness[edit]

Finally, the weirdness... although it has never been proven some people say that before Seth got Cronenberg back, he had mutated into known directors such as Stanley Kubrick and Steven Spielberg. Supposedly in the 5 years between Dead Singers and Spidersweb, David made movies from 1991 to 1995 as Stanley Kubrick, Steven Spielberg and David Lynch. The exact movies were made by these 3 men while being incorperated with David's personality is unknown. Maybe some day someone will be able to shed a light on the mystery of good cinema.


  • "It's the flesh...the flesh! Get it off of me!!!"

Sometimes Credited As:[edit]

Filmmakers of the World
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Francis Ford Coppola | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Uwe Boll | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Catherine Hardwicke | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Oliver Stone | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie | Nicholas Webster | Roger Corman | Ang Lee

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Rob Schneider | Lars von Trier

Highly Confusing in Japan

Milos Forman | Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro | Jared Hess

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

view  discuss  edit