David Cross

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This man is not trying to flirt with you; he accidentally super-glued his finger to his lower lip.

David Cross (or David Crossdresser) is a god for homosexual balding actors everywhere. He appears on the show "Arrested Development", or "The Only Thing that's Any Good on FOX" weekly... or at least he did until the show was cancelled, causing its development to be arrested.

That was a witty joke, motherfuckers. Yeah nigga, yeah!

Arrested Development: Tobias[edit]

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about David Cross.

So, once upon a time, David Cross landed the part of his dreams: he was going to play the biggest douchebag since Jeff Brooks. Of course, David Cross took the part, and the rest, as they say, is scientology.

As Tobias Funke, David Cross learned how to exhibit his amazing acting prowess.

Cross before the accident. Ironically, while Michael Jackson got gayer when he was lit on fire, David Cross did too.

At one point, he even lit himself on fire to research his role when he was on fire. Of course, he later discovered that it was a actually a fire SALE, but the damage was done and he was now permanently bald. This event has now become known as Crossfire.

David Cross' last words before being put out have been immortalized in the song "It's Getting Hot In Here."

Carl Weathers later sued.

The Adventure[edit]

One day, while on the set of "Arrested Development", Cross decided to do a little adventure-seeking, he dressed himself up in a blouse to make himself look like what he believed was a pirate. Then, seeing a group of garishly dressed homosexuals, he was mistakenly convinced that they, too, were pirates, and boarded their bus.

Three weeks later, David Cross was released from prison where he state to the press, "What an adventure, gang! I thought the homosexuals were pirates."

The Blue Man Group[edit]

David Cross later attempted to join the Blue Man Group. This didn't pan out so well, however. Cross, while aining himself blue for his audition, accidentally was shot by a rival competitor, the Blue Beetle. His last words before dying were, "I just blue myself."

Fan Reaction[edit]

Captain Falcon, while chasing David Cross, who stole his porn.

The reaction to Cross' career as a poor actor have been mixed. Most range from Bob Saget's "He was worse than me" to Capt. Falcon's "Falcon Munch" as he bit into a copy of "Arrested Development" on DVD. Following this, Falcon accused the now deceased Cross of stealing his porn. The belief that Cross had stolen Capt. Falcon's porn led to widespread accusations that Cross had been filming illicit video game porn dressed as Mario (see picture). Mario denied any involvement in "Bangin' with the Koopas" and further denounced Cross' career.

David Cross, dressed as Mario, being undressed by disembodied eyes in "Bangin'with the Koopas 2: Hell in the Shell."

The low point in David Cross' post-life reputation came when Pope Benedict XVI proclaimed that, "Cross is worse than me!"

The Funeral[edit]

With all the controversy surrounding Cross' death and life, his funeral was televised across most major networks, many of which, including Style., received the highest ratings they ever had. Cross' coffin was carried by 300 half-naked men, which as Ashley Pico put it "is exactly how he would want it... in his pants."

Cross has since been buried outside of a frozen banana stand where his epitaph reads "He was the only Marine to never spill his seamen overboard."

His gayest lover, Steve Hofstetter, performed the eulogy, with his penis.

David Cross came back to life when a disgruntled Nancy Reagan rose him back from the dead. David Cross later changed his sexual preference and married Nancy Reagan. The couple now reside in the Himalaya mountains where they live together as born again christians. They are owners and operators of their own crucifix store "The Cross's crosses.

David's Nuts / The Sarah Silverman Experiment[edit]

Cross at one point offered to swap his only remaining ball to fellow un-funny Jewish comic of pride, Sarah Silverman, in exchange for new material. Surprisingly, the uterus, dirty knock-knock and lesbian jabs didn't surprise his streetcorner shows, and Larry the Cable Guy laughed in his face.