Van Halen

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from David Lee Roth)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Alicia Keys?
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Frankenstein?

“Dude, check this shit out!”

~ God on the Creation of Eddie Van Halen

“Eddie Van Halen picks Eric Clapton over me? But Ed plays like me all the time...bastard!”

~ Jeff Beck on how Eddie Van Halen pwned Beck since the 70s

Van Halen were responsible for the deaths of many a stereo system. Lead guitarist Eddie Van Halen is well known for his stunning display of axemanship. Having helped obliterate the Life-Affirming Disco Menace by introducing hard but catchy riffs to the nearly-defeated Patriarchal Idiot Rock Hegemony, thereby setting social progress back at least a century, Van Halen had no more enemies to obliterate. They turned on each other, and there was civil war. Eddie Van Halen led a group of vicious berserkers to the Fortress of Rock, home of Van Halen lead screecher David Lee Roth. After a year-long siege, Eddie broke through and slayed everyone inside the Fortress; everyone that is, except Roth.

The group was then assaulted by Bubblegum Pop, an unexpected menace. With no one to screech it seemed as though they were down for the count. Sammy Hagar took David's place as lead screecher. Unfortunately, Hagar was maligned by a dark and sinister spell which made him suck.

After years of inactivity and general suckiness, David Lee Roth emerged from the sky and stormed Eddie's Fortress. Thousands of berserkers stormed in to vanquish Roth, but he unleashed a single screech which sent their unworthy souls to Van Halla. David then made peace with Eddie and together they defeated Sammy Hagar and banished him to the Netherworlds. Sammy has sworn vengeance, but to this day hasn't left his hammock, and seems too drunk to threaten anyone but himself.

History of the Van: Good Phase[edit]

Van Halen's career is divided by scholars in four stages. The first one is known as the Bam Magera Phase, with their first singer David Lee Roth. David Lee Roth was put on the Earth by God himself to be the second (only to Lemmy) greatest frontman of all time. During this phase, band leader Eddie "Somewhere In Time" Van Halen was responsible for keeping an entire generation of guitar-hero-wannabes locked in their bedrooms wasting their youth trying to recreate Eddie's famous Penis Tapping technique as seen on their most famous song, "Erection". This technique involved Eddie thrusting against various frets on the fretboard with his penis as if having sex with the guitar. When he finally came, the sound of his jizz hitting the strings was always enough to send the audience in to an orgy.

Van Hagar[edit]

Jesse Jackson With His Former Bandmates...Notice The Gargantuan Size Of His Ego...

The second stage is known as the gay pop phase, featuring singer Sammy Hagar who really needs to be given no amount of credit, except for ruining the band. Eddie Van Halen was and is a bastard...

Not Van Halen[edit]

The third stage is known as the bad phase or "Not Van Halen" and lasted approximately three minutes. The singer in this phase was the Jewish Jesse Jackson. Contrary to popular belief, the bad phase was actually the best period of the band, due mostly to Jackson's unintelligible lyrics -- a welcome departure from the previous singers' material, which made fans ashamed of owning the albums after reading the lyrics in the LP sleeve or CD booklet due to their sheer stupidity. Jesse was hated by critics and fans alike though, for being too much of an extremist and, especially, for taking the alcohol away from Eddie, who started sounding less like the Iron Maiden (RIP)mascot and more like -- some might say, almost as bad as -- Barbie (which can be evidenced by the vocals on "How Many Say I" ). Remember kids, alcohol is bad. Unless you play in a rock band.

Return of the King[edit]

2008: Get well soon!

The return of Eddie to a pathetic alcoholic state was hailed by fans as an indicative of a fourth stage in the band, but the Interpol has found out that this was just a sorry attempt by fanatic fan-club members to get their idol back in shape by mailing Jack Daniels bottles to his Los Angeles residence. Interpol announced they had these fans arrested and that the world is now safe from yet another Van Halen reunion, and then proceeded into a rendition of "C'Mere", from their latest album "Antics" (warning - NSFW link). Unfortunately, a second attempt to introduce alcohol back into Eddie's bloodstream was successful. Eddie Van Halen decided it was time to bring back Van Halen. This led to the controversial and widely-rejected 4th stage.



  • Van Halen 1
  • Van Halen 2
  • Van Halen 3
  • Van Halen 4
  • Van Halen 5
  • Van Halen 6
  • Van Halen 7
  • Van Halen 7 Part two
  • Led Zeppelin IV
  • Van Halen 8
  • Van Halen 69
  • Van Halen 96
  • Van Halen: Rock N' Roll Love Songs
  • Van Halen 12
  • Van Halen 1066 AD
  • next album currently in production, title unknown


  • "I Can't count to 55"