David Suzuki

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about David Suzuki.
David Suzuki demonstrating the importance of using biodegradable utensils

“David is HOT!”

~ Elizabeth May while on David Suzuki

“David Suzuki was voted one of the greatest Canadians of all time? What the hell is the deal with that???”

~ Stephen Harper on David Suzuki

“Disgrace! Disgrace to the Empire of Japan! May dishonor run through family for eternity!”

~ Emperor Hirohito on David Suzuki

David Suzuki (born March 24, 1936) is a Canadian gangsta sugar daddy and he supports the "keepin it real" lifestyle of Global warming. He supports the Kyoto Protocol which calls on all of the world's citizens to renounce technology and go back to living in simple huts and caves. He is opposed to technological progress, economic growth, and personal wealth. He believes that we should stop using automobiles and go back to using horse drawn carriages. He is also involved with the The Greenie Greenies, a Canadian eco-terrorist group which is responsible for the 8/11 attacks on the Ward Ice Shelf on Ellesmere Island. He has also been linked to The Video Professor's Socialist Party. Suzuki is also suspected to have not tried to have an affair with Elizabeth May. David flies around Canada in a coal burning private plane telling everyone how bad burning fossil fuels is.

Personal Life[edit]

David Suzuki is actually related to George Bush, the guy who owns the Suzuki Electronics Corporation (you know, the people who make those ipods and the television). All through their early life, little Brian and little David had knife fights with each other. Little Brian would start by praising Canada's semi-democratic government, and David would return by saying that Canada should be ruled by the Soviet onion men, and that everyone who did not believe in marxism should be taken to a constipation camp. As a result, the brothers gradually began to hate each other. Brian Suzuki left for Japan after David killed his mother and father because they voted in a democratic election and then ate meat. Since then, David has admitted that he feels jealous of his brother, who now lives in Kyoto castle and has several ugly Taiwanese boyfriends, while he lives in a box somewhere in Vancouver British Colombia. LOL

Spiritual Beliefs[edit]

According to Wikipedia, Suzuki is a Godless atheist which helps to explain his beliefs that the environment and animals are more important than human beings. However, this simply is not true; David Suzuki believes in the one true lord and saviour, the supreme being of the Universe: Al Gore. He follows the Environmentalist religion, based on the Inconvenient Truth (kind of like how Christianity is based on the bible, except Christians think Al Gore is an evil communist and they aren't high on Marijuana 24/7). He believe that all denouncers of the great Global Warming sin should be burned at the stake.


David Suzuki has been linked to numerous terrorist attacks, such as the 8/11 bombings of Calgary and the FLQ kidnapping of Pierre Laporte in Quebec City. He is also known to have dropped the Atomic Bomb on Hiroshima, turning against his own country because they refused to stop planting Japanese Rice in the rain forests of Indochina (see: Vietnam). David Suzuki was accused of being behind the 2006 plot to execute every liberal and conservative MP in the Canadian house of commons. Later on, it was found that Jim Carey was the mastermind behind this plot. He is also known to be a supporter of the eco-terrorist organization Greenpeace. As any support for this groups is illegal in the province of Alberta, he has been charged and convicted of high treason in that region, and faces the death penalty if he ever enters the province. Suzuki has avoided extradition through the assistance of supporters in the Canadian capital Toronto.