|Egh, this article may be Overly Spartan. Persians may not be able to travel to Greece, only die. Or may only be kicked into a pit by Leonidas or slaughtered by Kratos. Don't change a thing to remedy this.|
Dilios, aka, David Wenham, Faramir or "Chatty Cathy", was a highly annoying gossip-monger who served at the battle of Thermopylae under King "SPARTAAAAAAAAAAA" Leonidas. After surviving Thermopylae and leading 10,000 Spartans to cinematic victory at the battle of Plataea, he retired from his profession as a Spartan warrior and took up part time gigs as a voice actor for sword and sandal films. (See: Tolkien, Faramir).
Astrological Sign: Jobriath, The Child-Buggerer
History - What the Dili-O?
Birth of a Blabbermouth
After Dilios was born, the Spartan baby inspector found him to be small in stature, shrivelled of limb, and diminutive of pee-pee. The inspector was prepared to toss him onto the infanticide pile when - to his shock and awe - the baby exhibited a precocious ability to encapsulate Spartan history and culture in a grave, BBC Presenter-esque voice. Brought before the Ephors, it was declared that a fine future awaited the boy as soliloquist and all around raconteur.
He was kicked and beaten into shape by his father from the age of 8 months to the age of seven. From that age until young adulthood - as per SPAAAAAARTAAAAAN tradition, he was brought to the agoge (Greek for Underfunded Public School). Free from his father's stern child rearing methods, Dilios looked forward to thirteen years of savage beatings from his peers and headmasters. However, Dilios won many victories against his rivals due thanks to his ability to talk an opponent to death.
On one occasion, Dilios felled a spear-bearing youth twice his height by delivering a long, torturous oral dissertation on King Lycurgus. Dilios' opponent wound up taking his spear and piercing his own eardrums in a desperate attempt to stop the droning.
When Dilios was sent out into the wild with naught but a whittled spear and a leather jockstrap to protect himself, he was waylaid by a wolf. Only his encyclopedic knowledge of the collected fables of Aesop saved him from certain death. Agonized and bewildered by its would be prey, the wolf wound up biting off its own hairy testicles and bleeding to death.
A triumphant Dilios returned to Sparta. He bore a parchment made from the wolf's flayed skin upon which he wrote a thesis report on the manly virtues of pedophilia during a child's mentorship. Half the city fled before him. The Council Elders persuaded the chatty young Spartan not to read his thesis aloud by betrothing him to King Leonidas. Queen Gorgo kept tight lipped about the arrangement and pretended not to notice Dilios and Leonidas' "symposia" (See: Euphemism).
Prepare for Glory!
Dilios was assigned to Leonidas' honor guard of 300 and awarded the rank of motivational speaker. His incessant blathering proved to be useful when the King's brave 300 proved reluctant to go on a forced march to Thermopylae. When Dilios announced he had completed an editorial addressing use of olive oil during wrestling tournaments, the fabled 300 double timed it to the Hot Gates just for the sake of keeping Dilios out of earshot.
As for the legendary battle itself, Dilios proved himself capable of singing the praises of the Spartans in the face of overwhelming odds while using his spear to pick out the flaky skin from between his toes.
During the first night of battle, Dilios lost an eye while battling the Immortals of Persia. Contrary to popular belief, it was not a Persian but a fellow Spartan, Stelios by name, who gouged out the manic monologuist's eye.
|Actually, I was aiming for his mouth.|
- Stelios, in reference to Dilios
After failing to do something of similarity to what Stelios attempted, Leonidas uttered the same words moments before his death. Regardless, Xerxes had little to say about the matter for reasons unknown.
Stelios is now the overlord of Easyjet as he was reincarnated in the future by people in need of a cheap flying services
Prepare for Monologue!
On the second morn of the battle, Leonidas himself tired of Dilios' prattling and charged his former man-whore with the "important task" of delivering his last message to Sparta. In his memoir, Dilios expressed reluctance to part ways with his king. He relented after Leonidas kicked him in the rear ten times and bellowed "GO... TO... SPAAAAARTAAAAAAAAA!"
Dilios arrived before the grand council of Elders and Pedophiles two days after Leonidas' final stand and was ready to give a three-hour account of what happened when the council decided to grant him the honor of leading 10,000 Spartans and 30,000 Free Greeks to face down the Persian hordes in The Battle of Los Angeles.
|It is our sincere hope that - during this crucial battle - one brave soul will take the initiative and shove a spear down Dilios' pie hole. Silence him for good and all!|
- Councilman Theron before he got his ass handed to him by Gorgo (she pwns him)
Life in Showbiz
After surviving the battles of Plataea, Plantagenet and the carnivorous Plant People of Planet X, an exasperated council of Spartan Elders awarded the talkative Dilios with a forced retirement and an offer to record narrations for BBC One, Two and Three, BBC Wales, TV 4, ITV, Thames, Granada, PBS, and the National Film Board of Canada.
- 301 Dalmatians
- 300 Ways to Leave Your Lover
- SCTV (Spartan Community Tele Vision)
- The Life Cycle of Plankton
- How the Spartans Saved Civilization
- How the Irish Stole the Credit
- Voice Over SMACKDOWN! David "Dilios" Wenham vs. Liam "Qui-Gon" Neeson
- Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Promise Keepers
- Lord of the Rings: Asterix and Obelix
- Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Court of the Crimson King
- Richard Dawkins' Crikey! Those Faith-Heads Are Incredibly Dim!
- Of Men and Manginas
- Behind the Music: Dethklok