Davy Jones

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What 'cha starin' at? I'm not a mirror. Well, I'm somewhat ugly... Uhhh...

“Thats 'cause he doesn't have rum.”

~ Jack Sparrow on Davy Jones' looks

“It has to be evolution. He always wanted to play the organ with his beard.”

~ Charles Darwin on Davy Jones' Tentacles

“C'mon He doesn't look that bad. He is Handsome!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Davy Jones

Davy Jones is one of the Star-Spawn with delusions he is a pirate. He sails around in his damaged-beyond-all-reason ship and randomly grabs dying people, grafting seafood to their faces and then going off to get donuts at the We Don't Have Donuts Here.

He is also the inventor of Stainless steel, as well as a popular musician (even guest-starring in an episode of the Brady Bunch), and was the first squid-man to reach the south pole. He likes to listen to the Beatles, though his lack of ears complicates this, and his favourite ice-cream flavour is Cherry Bomb.

After acquiring a somewhat negative reputation, Jones was portrayed in the Pirates of the Carribean films by popular actor Doctor Zoidberg.

The Young Life of Davy Jones[edit]

Davy jones in his high school days.

Young Davy was born as just another boring human, albeit with a...thing...for insanely powerful, vengeful goddess-chicks. After getting spurned by Aphrodite and...umm...Not Aphrodite, he went after Calypso, who agreed to bang him as long as he'd carry the souls of the dead to the Underworld, also known as Xenuland. She also gave him an old van, which she called the Walking Frenchman. Davy Jones, being a lazy bastard, forgot all about the deal and immediately went off to get donuts, whereas the Dead, happy they weren't going off to Xenuland, decided to go eat some nice, tasty brains.

Now Calypso, as you can understand, was sort of pissed about this, in the same way that mountains are sort of big and Jerry Falwell was a crackhead. So she pulled off his head, stuffed his head in a squid, drove his van off a pier, and told him to start grabbing random dudes and stapling seafood to their faces. Davy Jones was heartbroken of course, but he couldn't get over it so he ripped out his heart, stuffed it in a chest, stuffed that chest inside a larger one, and stuffed that one inside a larger one, and stuffed that one inside...

Davy Jones' Locker[edit]

Is this Davy Jones' Locker or is Phil the Shark retarded?

Contrary to popular belief, Davy Jones in fact did NOT own a locker. This is a common misconception about him, likely stemming from the widely accepted fact that he was one of the first people to join his local YMCA. At the YMCA, he carried about himself the reputation of disgusting, putrid, unwashed clothing along with the actual clothing (which he wore). It is disputed exactly why this brought out the term "Davy Jones' Locker", though there are two competing theories. The first is simply that his clothing was so disgusting because he had no locker, thus when you die you cease to exist. The second and more widely accepted theory is that other YMCA members assumed that he owned a locker and that, based on the state of his clothing, it must have been an awful, awful place. Thus when you drowned, you went to an awful, awful place ie. Davy Jones' Locker.

His Relationship with the Walking Dutchman[edit]

Not only is it a ship, it is also a ghost-with which Davy Jones has frequent arguments about the nature of reality, stapling seafood to people's faces, vengeful-powerful-beyond-all-reason-goddess-chicks, and, occasionally Donuts. He also has arguments about what exactly his ghostly counterpart should do with that stupid loofah (Most definitely not SpongeBob SquarePants.)

Music career and TV show[edit]

Davy Jones later became a member of a rip-off of the Beatles called The Monkees. It's a TV show about long haired hippies who are so goddamn broke they whore themselves to school girls. They sing songs like "Last Train To Humpville", "I'm A Horny Believer", "Pleasant Valley Orgy", "Wet Dream Believer", and other crappy songs. They later did a film called Head because they wanted the sequel to read "From the people who gave you Head". They film was so popular, no one saw it. They later did a TV special called "0.1 Revolutions Per Monkee" where they became sex slaves from mind controllers.