Dax Riggs

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Creator of the Heavens and bearer of Earth, Dax Riggs is said to be a thousand feet tall and found in the deepest swamps of Southern Louisiana.

The Birth of Dax Riggs[edit]

A cactus from Hell once said, "I wouldn't be here if this story didn't have a point." Nothing could be more true, as the cactus had over three hundred. (Brown, Arthur on There's Snakes a Whirling Around And I'm Goddamn High, 1979.) However, no cactus could predict the birth of Dax Riggs. Although it is not certain from what womb Dax Riggs came, the event that conceived him is widely known. In 1894, Richard Nixon made a deal with The Devil to gain immortality. What he didn't know was the contract also called for him to adopt the child of a fallen angel, and provide care for 9 years. This child would be none other than Dax Riggs. Unfortunately, Nixon was a crappy father and followed only the bare minimal guidelines of his contract. This consisted of providing food once a week as well as clothing. At the age of 3 and in need of shelter and food for survival, Dax left his step-father to search for a better way of life. At this point in time, The Devil, angered at Richard Nixon declared that one day he would die in a battle against his neglected step son.

Early Childhood[edit]

With no food and shelter, Dax journeyed into the deepest heart of the woods. However, by this time, his strength was fading, and a painstaking hunger had set in. The further he went, the darker the woods became. Old bones began to appear in every direction, and became more numerous as he trudged on. By nightfall, Dax was dragging himself across a riverbed of skulls. It was then that he let out a howl so loud that, for a slight second, even God thought he heard something. However, God was in the middle of a game of strip poker with his grandma and, to be frank, didn't care about anything on Earth at all. However, Dax's cry would not go unheard. For, it was then that he heard the sigh of wolves. A full pack had come to save him and accept him into their tribe. The wolves gave Dax food when he was hungry, shelter when he was cold, and friendship when he was lonely. Unlike his previous caretakers, the wolves would prove to make a generous and caring family. They taught Dax the way of the wild as well and showed him an effective road to survival. Many say that during these few years, Dax could be heard, from all around the world, singing to the moon with his wolven family.

The Rattlesnake Legend[edit]

Legend has it that while he was still only a young boy, Dax got into a fight with a rattlesnake that was so large its size didn't even have a name. With one squeeze of his powerful hands, he wrung the snake so dry that blood poured out from every inch in the snake's body. In fact, so much blood came from the snake that it created the Missisippi River, while still leaving enough left over for a giant bowl of chili. Some say that while squeezing the life from out of the snake, Dax Riggs, with his powerful voice, could be heard singing a song so unique that it raised the dead and brought hearing to the deaf. It was a song called Blood.

Dax Riggs Today[edit]

With a magical pot of angel dust in his right hand, and a guiding raven on his left shoulder, he travels the world fighting hordes of SATAN (Sweaty Alien Testicles And ) to save young children from the damning clutch of Cadillacs. When frightened, his scream is to said to be as loud as a train from Hell and as fascinating as the mysterious jello from Taco Bell. Indeed, there is nothing quite like Dax Riggs.