Daylight Savings Time

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Daylight Savings Time was invented in 1916 by Time Traveling College Students. Pressured by a rapidly approaching deadline for a report on the historical events of the year 1916, they went back in time to research the period first-hand. This highly illegal historical modification had several purposes:

  • By creating history in the year 1916, the Time Traveling College Students parsimoniously generated a topic for their paper
  • The Time Traveling College Students received an extra hour to complete their report

In the year 2156, Daylight Savings Time was made the official religion of Vermont. Changing the clocks back or forward became sacred religious holidays, and usually involved feasting and human sacrifices. The rest of world generally regards the whole thing as inefficient, as "falling back" requires you to hit the "Hour" button 23 times in order to set things back in place again.

Daylight Savings Time and the Cold War[edit]

“Time is not of the essence”

~ American Hero Kevin Bell on Daylight Savings Time

“I invented daylight savings time, just look at my watch”

~ Flava Flav on Daylight Savings Time

“I just set my fucking watch, you arseholes! Whose crap idea was this, anyway?”

~ Socrates on Daylight Savings Time

A government tool to used to control the masses and trick them into thinking that there is actually a thing called time. The government developed Daylights Savings during the Cold War as a secret weapon against the communist Russia. In theory the US thought they could trick the Russians into thinking that we were saving this thing called "time". This freaked the Russians out to the point that they started building nuclear weapons until they bankrupted themselves and lost the Cold War. So it wasn't really Reagan after all . . .

The Mayans, more commonly known the Mexican Nazis, took great offense to the whole daylights savings business that upset their "perfect" calendar. This in turn led to WW-III and the Fourth Reich, where time was actually discovered and used in such ways that decorum demands that it should not be discussed here.

Time was eventually proved to not exist by the ever popular John Kerry who later decided that it did, in fact, exist mere moments later. This enraged the entire world population who promptly elected him Supreme Global Dictator.

“And there you have it, Time does not exist . . . Oh, crap . . .”

~ John Kerry on Time

The simple explanation of Daylight Savings Time is as such: it was designed to make people angry while scrambling around changing their clocks to the new "correct" time. That, and it automatically induces jet-lag without even having to travel. Sure jet-lag wasn't even a concept when Daylight Savings Time was first introduced in the first Egyptian Dynasty, but it still made people mad, and politicians of that time thought it was hilarious just as ours do in the 21st century. In short summary, it's really just a joke played upon the masses. The day is as long as it is, and that can't be changed except for the gradual slowing of the Earth's rotation. LOL ROFLCOPTER!

Theory on Time & Wayne Brady[edit]

Many historians believe that Ray Charles invented time. This is hotly disputed by John Kerry.

Also many believe that white people love Wayne Brady, because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.

Unanimous Position Of Native Americans On "Daylight Savings Time"[edit]

"White man cuts off end of rug, sews it to other end, thinks rug is longer."