Daytona 500

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The Daytona 500 is the biggest race in the NASCAR season. The main events of this one-week spectacle include, but are not limited to, bitching, whining, Jimmie Johnson, Junior Johnson, bitching, whining, Gatorade Duels, turning left, crashing, bitching, Victory Lane, adverts, Mike Joy, End.


It started when some supposed rednecks wanted to see who could pull the most moonshine. The actual Daytona 500 race started because they wanted to see which driver could bitch the most, and who could go faster. The first few races weren't recorded until 1979 when NBC started with the first flag to flag Nascar Broadcast. The Original commentators were Buddy Baker, Roof Flaps doing dere jawbs and the irreplaceable Rust. E. Wallace.

Past Winners[edit]

Beer-Guzzling Contest

  • 2007- Elliott Sadler
  • 2002-2006 Dale Earnhardt Jr.
  • first year of contest-2001 Dale Earnhardt Sr.

Cheating for the Race Contest 2007- Michael Waltrip (Tied for second is Matt Kenseth, Kasey Kahne, Scott Riggs, and Elliott Sadler)

  • 2006- Jimmie Johnson (Second place is Terry Labonte)
  • -first year of contest

Fighting after the Race Contest

  • 2007- Dale Earnhardt Jr. in a massive brawl involving half the drivers in the garage, including Tony Stewart and Kurt Busch.
  • 1980-2006- NO Competition
  • 1979- Bobby Allision

The Actual Race

  • 420 Sean Paul
  • 666 Satan
  • 1001 Ralph Earnhardt
  • 1337 Sherudo Garo
  • 1843 Ron Paul
  • 1928 Andrew Schlafly
  • 1945 Adolf Hitler
  • 1958 Chuck Norris
  • 1959 Jerry Punch**
  • 1960 Keith Richards
  • 1962 Steven Wallace **
  • 1963 Satan **
  • 1964 Denny Hamlin
  • 1965 Tim Brewer
  • 1966 Dick Trickle
  • 1967 Marco Andretti
  • 1968 Marcos Ambrose
  • 1969 LeeRoy Jenkins
  • 1970 Lewis Hamilton
  • 1971 Richard Petty
  • 1972 A.J. Allmendinger
  • 1973 Richard Petty
  • 1974 Richard Petty
  • 1975 Big Boss*****
  • 1975.5 Benny Parsons (Race had to be run again because Big Boss won the first race, and nobody at Uncyclopedia likes Big Boss)
  • 1976 David Pearson
  • 1977 THC-303
  • 1978 John Jacob Jingglehiemer Schmidt
  • 1979 Richard Petty
  • 1980 Buddy Baker
  • 1981 Richard Petty
  • 1982 Chuck E. Cheese
  • 1983 Cale Yarborough
  • 1984 LeeRoy Yarborough
  • 1985 Bill Elliott
  • 1986 4.252.99.182
  • 1987 David Allison
  • 1988 Bobby Labonte
  • 1989 Michael Waltrip
  • 1990 Derek Fisher
  • 1991 Steve Irwin
  • 1992 Clifford Allison **
  • 1993 Jeff Jarrett
  • 1994 Phil Parsons
  • 1995 Coo Coo Marlin
  • 1996 Jeff Jarrett
  • 1997 Harry Gant
  • 1998 Dale Earnhardt CDXX **
  • 1999 Del the Funky Homsapien
  • 2000 Ellian Gonzalas
  • 2001 Jeff Purvis
  • 2002 Jeff Burton
  • 2003 Keith Richards
  • 2004 Dick Trickle
  • 2005 Dick Trickle
  • 2006 Richard Simmons
  • 2007 Chris Benoit
  • 2008 Herman Li
  • 2009 Juan Pablo Montoya
  • 2010 Ella Sofia Gordon
  • 2011 Steadman Marlin
  • 2012 Dick Trickle
  • 2013 Dick Trickle
  • 2014 Morgan Shepherd
  • 2015 Ron Hornaday Jr.
  • 2016 Jeff Green
  • 2017 Mark Thompson
  • Broke hip in Victory lane and died 3 days later but was brought back to life.


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Ghey of the Day award[edit]

The Ghey of the Day award goes to the driver who finishes first in the race.

DAYTONA 500 Driver OF THE DAY AWARD WINNERS

  • 1958 Lee Petty
  • 1959 Fireball Roberts
  • 1960 Lee Petty
  • 1961 Richard Petty
  • 1962 Tiny Lund
  • 1963 Jimmy Johnson
  • 1964 Richard Petty
  • 1965 Richard Petty
  • 1966 Richard Petty
  • 1967 David Pearson
  • 1968 David Pearson
  • 1969 Richard Petty
  • 1970 Richard Petty
  • 1971 Big Boss
  • 1972 David Pearson
  • 1973 Richard Petty
  • 1974 Big Boss
  • 1975 Big Boss
  • 1976 David Pearson
  • 1977 Richard Petty
  • 1978 Harry Gant
  • 1979 Jim Vandiver
  • 1980 Harry Gant
  • 1981 Kyle Petty
  • 1982 Geoffrey Bodine *
  • 1983 Benny Parsons *
  • 1984 Dave Marcis
  • 1985 Delma Cowart
  • 1986 Bobby Allison *
  • 1987 AJ Foyt *
  • 1988 Kyle Petty
  • 1989 Neil Bonnett
  • 1990 Brian Peppers
  • 1991 Dick Trickle
  • 1992 Bob Saget
  • 1993 Dick Trickle
  • 1994 John Andretti
  • 1995 Adam Bomb
  • 1996 Dick Trickle
  • 1997 Princess Diana
  • 1998 Kevin Lepage
  • 1999 John Andretti
  • 2000 Bobby Hamilton
  • 2001 Jeff Purvis
  • 2002 Tony Stewart **
  • 2003 Dick Trickle
  • 2004 Mark Martin
  • 2005 Bob Barker
  • 2006 Jeff Gordon
  • 2007 Kevin Harvick
  • 2008 Ryan Newman
  • 2009 Chad McCumbee
  • 2010 Chad McCumbee
  • 2011 Jimmie Johnson
  • 2012 Casey Mears

Multiple Time Ghey of the Day winners

  • Richard Petty
  • David Pearson
  • - Also won Daytona 500 another year
    • - Still won championship that year
      • - Did both

The 10 best Daytona 500s Ever[edit]

10. 2004- Dick Trickle led every lap and beat the field by over 9000 laps. Anonymous protested Dick's cousin Cole Trickle aka Tom Cruise finishing 2nd, and there was a wardrobe malfunction at the pre-race concert.

9. 2000-The race saw 100 lead changes and 5 cars came across the line inches apart

8. 1989- Huge fight contest with the beer contest being held simultaneously. 23 drivers are beaten to death and 20 more die of alcohol poisoning. Wait... Those were just hobos who snuck into the track.

7. 1945- When Adolf Hitler almost won but got beat on the last lap by rival teammates Franklin D. Roosevelt and Winston Churchill. Hitler was so humiliated he became an hero shortly afterwards.

6. 1994-When the song "Daytona USA"(aka "Let's go away"[aka "do-da-do-da-do-do-dooooo DATONAAA!"]) was perform.[1]

5. 1337 AD- Sherudo Garo won, it was also announced in l33t, and there was a wreck on the last lap and all 43 drivers had to run across the finish line.

4. 1960- Poster Child for Millwood Nursing Home Keith Richards surprised everyone by winning. In victory lane he would break his hip and would die three days later. He would then be brought back to life where he would win again in 2003

3. 2007- largest fight contest, longest beer contest, and closet race---need I say more?

2. 1979- Another close finish, as well as the origion of the fight contest, which has been dominated by Chuck Norris ever since

1. 1337 BC- The most awesome and l33t race and finish ever, with Bill Elliott, Chuck Norris, all 4 KISS members and Master Chief finishing 1-7 within 1/100th of a millimeter, in that order. The Super Bowl is held in the infield, where the Eagles beat the Patriots 9001-0. Kyle Busch finishes 42nd and Jimmie Johnson finishes 43rd. Broadcast only in leet to commemmorate the year 1337 BC.

The Daytona 500 and Corporate Sponsorship[edit]

Next to the Super Bowl, the Daytona 500 is the sporting event most capable of turning the public into product-buying zombies with its commercials. The Daytona 500 also has the third-most commercials, behind the Super Bowl and the ever-present Commercial Channel, which displays commercial 24/7/365. Also, the weekend of the Daytona 500 is the third-largest weekend for shopping, behind the weekend before Christimas and the weekend after Thanksgiving. Apparently, The weekend of the Daytona 500 is also called President's Day weekend. I don't know why because personally I consider Presidents quite useless.

People in Favor of the Daytona 500[edit]

People who think the Daytona 500 should go to hell[edit]

  • Dale Earnhardt Jr.- the race killed his f---en father. I would want it done away with if I was him.
  • Mark Martin- raced in 24 Daytona 500s, but never won it. He claims that NASCAR President Mike Helton is reponsibile, but I say that he just has the worst luck on the face of the earth.
  • Steadman Marlin - his father f---en killed Dale Earnhardt Sr. so that is why he hasn't raced a Nationwide series race in 2008.
  • Ted Bundy - killed all drivers execpt Satan in 666.