Dead Donald Dewar

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Dead Donald's deadness is the secret behind his distinctive colouring

Began his career as plain old Donald Dewar, and eventually become First Minister of Scotland. Unusually, he has retained his position since his untimely death in 2000. Dewar had planned to remain First Minister as long as possible, and while at school, had worked out with everyone else what age he would be in the year 2000. He refused to be rattled by his calculator's chilling prediction that he would actually die that year (an idiosyncracy peculiar to that model), and vowed to carry on regardless.

Dying seems to have relaxed Dead Donald somewhat, and he now spends far less time banging on about independence, and far more on his beloved hobby: standing completely still at the top of Glasgow's Buchanan Street, peering at shoppers with the air of a jaded headmaster.

At one stage Neds managed to pull the glasses off Dead Donald's dead face, perhaps because he was asleep or something. This prompted the Scottish Parliament to issue its first ever fatwa. One or two newspapers suggested that Dead Donald had such a sense of humour that he would laugh the whole thing off, but he undercut this by tracking each of the vandals down and pulling their heads off. They now form his backing band, the Dead Neds.

Dead Donald recently announced his retirement from politics, and his intention to marry Dead Elaine C. Smith. When it was pointed out that Ms Smith was not yet deceased, Dewar assured listeners that he "would wait".

Elaine C. Smith has taken up aerobics.