Deadliest Warrior

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You fuckin nigra!

“My name's Paul, and this shit's between y'all.”

~ God

“You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up! Cause I'll come over there and jam this oar up your ass!!”

~ Oscar Wilde to unidentified Shaolin monk

“Who won? Is he mine, now?!”

Deadliest Warrior is an inherently ill-advised television show recently created and completed on Spike TV, in which not only are warriors who would never have met each other forced to fight to the death, but given that there are only two sides to each episode, the title should have been "The Deadlier Warrior."

In English grammar, this is known as the common mistake of confusing the comparative adjectives with the superlative adjectives. When there are only two choices, the deadlier one is referred to as the deadlier one, because he is deadlier than the less deadly one, hence the adjective "deadlier."

When there are three or more choices, the deadliest one is referred to as the deadliest one in order to distinguish him from one of the deadlier ones who is, however, not deadlier than the deadliest one, hence the adjective "deadliest."

Format of Show[edit]

The show is supposedly based on the mathematical computations of a team of geeky scientists who think they know fighting because they're great at Mortal Kombat. They also have a team of "experts", most of whom are actually actors and stunt men with no academic credentials, thereby making them perfect for the fake bullshit on this show. They test the most famous weapons of each fighter, like ninja stars, roundhouse kicks, hydrogen bombs, grenades, broken beer bottles, chairs, pool cues, Gerri Curl juice, spermatazoa, Astro Glide, etc. They test them on human dummies filled with Megan Fox's period blood, Kosher-killed pigs, pig brains, pig feet, athlete's pig feet, condemned pedophiles, people who just agree to the experiments (ahh, ya give 'em a couple hundred bucks for their trouble, you know). Kosher times Kosher. Kosher squared.

But they do not feed the results of this information into a computer until AFTER they have argued which one looked cooler. And guess what? Yep! Hydrogen bombs don't look as cool as a morning star buried into some poor pig's nuts. So the knight would win in a one-on-one match against a United States Air Force colonel. Also anything Asian is instantly deemed cooler than anything not, thereby making an Asian guy in pajamas with a silly sword more effective than a non-Asian with a machine gun. But at the end of the day, the final decision goes to that short fat computer nerd who still lives in his moms basement and plays with Legos all day. He see's which weapon gives him the biggest erection, masturbates, and gives edge accordingly.

Episodes[edit]

The show began with fine intentions, and quickly degenerated into a dick-measuring contest. Following are all the episodes which have been filmed but not necessarily aired, chronologically.

1. Apache vs. (Roman) Gladiator

Whereas, the show did not specify what nationality the gladiator was, they made it quite obvious they meant the Roman one. The one that fought in the Circus Maximus and the Colosseum. But then, it doesn't matter, because he got his ass kicked by the Apache. I mean it. The Apache just fucking murdered him. Fuck a gladiator. And fuck Russell Crowe, now that I think about it. Wind in his Hair, all the way.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

2. Viking vs. Samurai

The Samurai is recorded as having said, "Ho-ry fuck! Shoot him! Shoot him!! SHOOT HIM!!!"
The Samurai, indeed, shot him, but not before the Viking critically wounded him, and then slammed his own battle-axe into his (the Viking's) head, killing himself. Moral of the story? Don't eat the shrooms. Despite the Samurai not being able to even scratch the Viking's armor, he still won, because everyone knows Asians are the coolest and best. This is how real science works, kids.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

3. Spartan vs. Ninja

The ninja attempted to sneak up from behind the Spartan and stab him in the back, but the Spartan heard him coming, turned and shouted, "THIS IS NINJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" which did not have any real bearing on the situation. Nevertheless, the ninja stopped, shat out his testicles, and dropped dead like a BITCH.

""WINNER: THE NINJA'S ALTER EGO""

4. Pirate vs. Knight

Now it's just getting sad. Pirates have GUNS. Dipshit. "Oh, look at me, look at me, riding up on my beautiful, armored horse, swinging my morning star and unsheathing my sword. Stand still! So that I may..." BANG!! "FUCK!!! I'M DEAD!!"

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

5. Mafia vs. Yakuza

What the fuck? The Italian mafia, btw. There are lots of mafiae. The Dagos won, because, well,
Chuck Norris disapproves of people looking at him through 3-D glasses.
they got a long history of being Dagos. Wops. Guineas. Poor, dirt-starving street urchins, who grew up fighting, killing, stealing to live. They all have Chicago Typewriters. And baseball bats. They whooped the living Jesus outta the Yakuza. Eye of the Tiger.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

6. Green Beret vs. Spetsnaz

But the show swore that the Spetsnaz, who are Russian, btw, would win 519 to 481, very close, because they have a knife on a spring that they use to shoot you. Unfortunately, that's still bringing a knife to a gunfight. And the Green Beret sure as hell knows that the Spetsnaz has a spring knife. No surprise in store for him. The Spetsnaz strategy of rolling around on the fuckin' floor, completely vulnerable proved to be completely useless, therfore automatically giving the win to Stalinsnaz.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

That Spetsnaz better not come any closer. I'll slit him from crotch to eyeball with a dull deer antler.

Know what ya never hear about on this show? Buncha Jews gettin' hit by a tornado.

7. Shaolin Monk vs. Maori Tribesman

Are you shittin' me?! Shaolin cut the Maori to shit the Maori's weapons were cool but couldnt beat 2 steel giant hooks that cut the Maori up.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

8. William Walrus vs. Shaka Zulu

The Black man was no match for pure English killing, blue face, for giant sword wielding Scottish man is unstoppable.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

9. IRA vs. Taliban

Taliban got crushed like the roaches they are the IRA blew the shit out of them proving the AK-47 sucks

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

SEASON 2[edit]

1. SWAT vs GSG-9

Despite the GSG-9 are better the SWAT won with cooler weapons and using a taser.

2. Alexander the Great vs. Attila the Hun

Attila won due to Alexander using a giant ballista that got like almost no kills

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

. Jesse Jame's Gang vs Al Capone's Gang

Despite Al Capone having the Tommy gun Jesse James Winchester, Revolvers, and Bowie knife won it with his awsome Cowboy, Western, Outlaw ness.

WINNER: Bruce Lee, he wanted a win

12. Aztec Jaguar vs Zande Warrior

The Aztec despite having the coolest weapons and being awsome the Black Man cheated by using steel weapons with DICKS ON THEM so if you want to kill a black man bring in William Wallace.

WINNER: JEWISH CHUCK NORRIS

13. Nazi SS vs Viet Cong

Despite the Viet beating our Asses the Nazi shot them up and won even when Viet used traps the bad guys both died but Nazi finsihed what we started.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

14. Roman Centurion vs Rajput

Once again they fucked up and the Indian loser won due to having a big sword to take away attention from his small Dick and Rome got taken over by small Dick Indians.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

15. Somali Pirates vs Medellin Cartel

The Columbians were cooler,better,Awsomer, but the Black Crap won with the stupid shit AK-47. Bring in William Wallace to chop of their heads.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

16. Persian Immortal vs Celt

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

17. KGB vs CIA

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

18. Vlad the Impaler vs Sun Tzu

WINNER: CHUCK MOTHERFUCKIN' NORRIS!!!

19. Ming Warrior vs Musketeer

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

20. Comanche vs Mongol

20. Navy Seal vs Israeli Commandos

LOL JEW VS PURE AWSOME GOT TO BE KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!

20. Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T

This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.
"Plainview! Thou stolest Fizzy Lifting Drinks! Prepare thyself for HELL, SIR!!!"
Special weaponry is being kept top secret, but may well include blunt-force, planetary castration, galactic forest fires, and entropy.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

21. Christian Bale vs. Heath Ledger

Christian "The Bastard" Bale first used his Intimidating Shouts attack to bring down Ledger's morale. However, Ledger countered using Emo Whining, proving that his morale could not be any lower. Seeing his weak spot, Bale then forced a large amount of sleeping pills down Ledger's throat. Extra points are awarded for making it look like a suicide!

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

22. Bill "the Butcher" Cutting vs. Daniel Plainview

Season finale. We at Uncyclopedia expect a tactical draw out of this one. Cutting definitely has the short-range advantage, but Plainview has a revolver, and his special weapon is kick-ass: oil derrick fire! Their middle-range weapons are the same and perfectly matched: howling their faces red at each other.
The producers prepared the living hell out of this episode, and that's why it took so long. Rumors abound that Jesus Himself may join the fight, since no Earthly region can contain this amount of method acting. Yet, the side He chooses, or how He might lend His Assistance, no one can say.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

Back by popular demand! We at Uncyclopedia have precious little information, but still more than anyone else, on what's going down. Go ahead, read the New York Times, if you want, they get lucky sometimes.

SWAT vs. GSG9

The American SWAT team versus the German Polizei SWAT-like team. Lots and lots of shotguns, rifles, you know, shit goes BOOM! Very evenly matched, and thus, an idiotic match-up. Kinda like Jesus versus Gandhi. But the opposite end of the spectrum. Special weapons were SAMUEL L JACKSON!!! versus Christoph Waltz: TACTICAL DRAW, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

WINNER: Keanu Allen

GnySgt. R. Lee Ermey vs. the Cloverfield Monster

Fought in the rubble of Port-au-Prince, since it couldn't get any worse.

WINNER: Keanu Allen

Jesus vs. Gandhi

Special weapons were the hummingbird versus the dorset naga chili pepper. Hottest pepper in the world. But hummingbirds just eat 'em like popcorn. Both sides wielded force lightning and tickle torture. Gandhi called down a monsoon. Jesus walked on it. Gandhi hurled Rikki-Tikki Tavi at him. Jesus responded by throwing down his wizard's staff, which turned into a cobra. Much better than viewers expected!

WINNER: Keanu Allen

Perez Hilton vs. Fred Phelps

Close-range weaponry: limp wrists versus chicken-gizzard neck. Mid-range weaponry: Cowboy hat versus pink-swirl haircut. Long-range weaponry: Twitter versus Godhatesfagsandjews.com . Special weaponry: rainbows versus hail and fire mixed with blood. None of these weapons were employed before both factions were obliterated by a single roundhouse kick.

WINNER: Keanu Allen

Mel Gibson versus Steven Spielberg

Close-range weaponry: Claymore broadword versus Great white shark.
Mid-range weaponry: Drunk driving versus Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Long-range weaponry: Hardcore 80s and 90s action fare versus All of WWII.
Special weaponry: Masochism versus the Ark of the Covenant.

WINNER: Keanu Allen

Al Pacino versus Robert de Niro

Smoke-burnished tirade of a voice versus Mohican, cab-driving rage.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

Russell Crowe versus Kevin Costner

Hurled telephone versus British accent.

WINNER: Bruce Campbell

Brian Griffin versus Glenn Quagmire

Close-range weaponry: Atheism versus sex addiction.
Mid-range weaponry: Pistol versus Chin.
Long-range weaponry: Toyota Prius versus 747.
Special weaponry: Extreme physical toughness versus Extreme hatred.

WINNER: Keanu Allen

Star Wars Nuts versus Trekkies

Close-range weaponry: Fake lightsaber versus Klingon mantelpiece knife.
Mid-range weaponry: Fake thermal detonator versus Make-believe holodeck.
Long-range weaponry: Stormtrooper blaster versus Phaser.
Special weaponry: Zit-faced virginity versus Anti-social virginity.

WINNER: Not Keanu Allen

4chan versus internet

Close-range weaponry: Camwhores versus 12 year olds
Mid-range weaponry: Raids versus facebook profiles
Long-range weaponry: Fake Justin Biebers death successfully versus crying 12 year old girls
Special weaponry: Meme versus newfags

"WINNER: Keanu Allen"