Dear shithole

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YEAR: 2007

Dear Shithole,

Today I did nothing… tomorrow I may very well do nothing again and the day after that I may do nothing yet again but in a more menial way. What is beyond menial? What is to be done with the man without a soul? Without a motivation? Without a goal? Without a decent set of headphones in his ears? His only consolation being an instrumental composed by Michael Giacchino and a box of Fox's chocolate biscuits to accompany him in his lone journey across the world. On MSN that is.

I have found nothing but sleep, except for moments when Curb Your Enthusiasm comes on, then I can break a rare smile. I would let you into my life and into my house... but this isn't fuckin' Cribs... this is real life, a world not as perfect as it should be. Yet again, swimming pools and big mansions dont talk to you on lonely nights do they?

'No they are there to live in and swim in sir... they are not living things sir... that is why they dont talk to you'. 'People, now there's something that will talk to you at night, if you can get some of them'.

'Shut up intelligent thought, I dont need you'. I must be the only person sat typing a ridiculous story at 5.43am wearing a Blackburn Rovers shirt from the year 2001 and a pair of grey Adidas tracksuit bottoms with rips in.

'Damn I love my life, I'm so uniquely dysfunctional'.

'Now your just gloating sir'...

'Yes I am conscience because I have something to gloat about'... 'I talk to myself regularly and listen to bizarre hypnotic instrumentals which send me into a deep sleep, how could your life possible compare to that? If you werent a part of me I mean'.

'You're not right in the head sir'...

'I know conscience, some may say I am a weirdo, a loner, a freak of an even freakier nature'. 'Every dysfuctionality I have, somebody else has had it before me'. 'I'm not the only one who listens to depressing psychopathic music whilst thinking of who I am going to kill'.

'You are sir?'

'Oh yes, I have a hit-list of who I want to kill before I die, its in the constitution'.

'But you're not American sir'.

'Who cares conscience, life is all relative, tell me why I shouldn't mix and match concepts around the world, why I shouldn't learn five languages or live by intelligent design?'

'I cannot argue with that sir'.

'Wow, I said something and my conscience actually just accepted it without even trying to argue back, even though my opinion was baseless, senseless, unconstructed and just downright pathetic'.

'I'm your conscience sir, I cannot argue with you... its impossible'.

'Oh yes you can'.

'Oh no I cant'.

'Oh yes you can'.

'Oh no I cant'.

'Your arguing with me now conscience!!!'

'So I am, wow I thought I was a slave to your innards, your guts and bones'.

'Your a soul and when I eat this Hollands Potato Pie, I want you to be a good little soul and digest the motherfucker so I can shit it out in a nice brown smelly lump'.

'Yes sir'. *You crackpot*

'Ha... dont think I didn't hear that conscience... you're a part of me... I have speakers set up in my stomach to eavesdrop on anything you say or even think'.


'Damn straight'.

'So sir, why do you persist on sitting in the realms of loneliness when you could be out there in the great world having a great time?'

'You know conscience, that's a very good question... One that I have never taken the time to answer............. until now!!!'

'You see, its because...'

  • Phone rings*

'Hello who is this?'

'Hiya I'm calling from Vodaphone mobiles and I'm wondering if you're interested in buy.... *interrupts*

'No I'm not... I dont wanna purchase a shitty mobile phone which the Government can monitor and eavesdrop on conversation'.

'That's a naive and negative thing to say si....... *phone slammed down*

Bastards, why do they think I'm gonna want a phone, if I did, then I would ring their arses... well not literally their arses... Well I suppose their phone companies are shitty, so its the same thing I guess.

Ok then, back to the drawing board... that is the safe sanctuary of my room with the venetian blinds on permanent lockdown, back on MSN talking to people who are away quite a lot.

I feel like I'm trapped in a Catch 22.8438438348273723273727287327378272 situation. Is there a way forrard (that's how my Dad used to say the word forward) I thought to myself? My conscience is my only friend, better to have no friends and one soul, than to never have had any at all. My existence is like being extinct, I see nobody from one day to the next and then all of a sudden I will see somebody I know and they'll do that thing where they turn around really quick and point to you and go 'Heyyyy long time man, its been ages'... and you know they are just bullshitting and just want to get away from your company. Not an actual company with Employees and paperwork I mean... but company as in your dimension, your realm, your body space, your horrible horrible B-O odour.

'I dont have BO do I conscience?'

'I dont know sir, I can only smell you on the inside'.

'I use a deordorant called Stynx, so I dont know how I could possible smell so bad'.

'Your attitude smells as well sir'.

'Ha... now I've got you... Attitudes. Do. Not. Officially. Smell'.

'You got me there sir'.

'I got you here, there and everywhere conscience'.


'That's the spirit conscience, learning a bit of Georgie I see'.

'Its Geordie sir'.

'Yes that's the stuff'.

'Never mind sir'.

'I dont mind conscience... remember when I released that song called Madman Of Highercroft?

'No sir'.

'Well I bloody nearly did though didn't I?'


'Damn why do they call you the conscience... you aint even got an inch of science inside you?... 'Oh I geddit now, you Con Science, you are a conman of Science... I see how it works now'.

'Yes correct sir I'm afraid'.

Okay back upstairs it is... get Sky Sports News back on and load up the computer.... 'Its not a life this :( Its just a bloody existance'.

'No sir, War is a bloody existance'.

'Well my situation is far worse than theirs'.

'Worse than being beheaded, hung and mutilated?'

'Well I have to put up with me Nan... she's nuts! 'Even scarier was the photoshoot she did for Nuts Magazine!!'

'Fair point sir'.

'That reminds me, she's coming over today and she's bringing a guest'.

'A Guest, Who?'

'Her false teeth........ hahahahahahahhaha... *laugh dies* 'Just my little joke there'.

'Yes the same little joke as always, and because you have such a pathetic social life, there is nobody even around to hear it'.

'Ouch that's harsh conscience.... even harsher than receding hair'.

'Yes and you would know about receding hair wouldnt you Ryan'.

'Oucchhh.. that's even harsher... when did you get so bullying conscience?'

'When I threatened to stop your lungs working'.

'Oh yes I remember now... blackmailed by my own conscience... truly despotic'.

'You are seriously deranged and in danger of becoming another reclusive waste of space, locked away in your own bedroom, achieving nothing, trying to blag your way to fame... I can tell you this for nothing. *thanks for telling it me for nothing, I was expecting to pay*... 'you expect the talent spotters to come to you, you dont want to go to them do you?'

'No and you know why I dont want to go to them?'

'Yes, because you suffer from Agoraphobia and you dont even have a decent pair of clothes... all you ever wear is that Blackburn Rovers shirt from 1921 est... you dont give a shit about your appearance, you are one scruffy looking bastard and you deserve to rot in your own cum fluids for eternity'.

'Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ouuuucchhhhhhhhh.... dayum!!! That's cold conscience, I didn't know you had it in you'.

'I do have it in me, just like you have me inside you'.

'That's confusing'.

'Not really sir... its very simple'.

'You should really go out and get a really good social life sir, really I recommend it'.

'You 'really' a lot of things dont you'.

'Well sir you just sit around tryna sound all mystical and call yourself Rek_Law... ohhh I'm scared, Rek_Law is all mythological and scary.. ohhh.... Your a pathetic excuse for a human being, your Mother probably felt more pain 'after' you were born'.

'DAMN, stop being so fucking cold man, who are you to tell me anything, you dont know me, you've never seen me'.

'If you look on the outside anything like your innards, you are one ugly motherfucker'.

'If you dont shut up immediately, I'm gonna eat another Chicken Madras curry and it'll burn you bad and disfigure you and make you look like Darkman'.

'I'm sorry.. I'll behave'.

Okay, where was I? Oh Yes, I wanted to go down Blockbusters and rent out a game didn't I? Ok then, may as well do that then.

  • For the sake of this story and time-keeping, let's just assume that Ryan got down to Blockbusters in one piece without having to describe his arduous journey there*

'Damn Blockbusters is closed!!!!'

  • For the sake of this story and time-keeping, let's just assume that Ryan got back home from Blockbusters in one piece without having to describe his arduous journey back*

'Well that was a wasted journey'.

Mum:- 'You should have phoned them first and checked what time they closed'.

'I'd sound like a dickhead doing that though... 'Hello I'm just wondering what time you close today'.

'How would you sound stupid? its only an enquiry'.

'Well I'm down there virtually every day, they'll give me grief coz they probably expect me to know the timetable by now, closing hours, opening hours and such and such'.

'So you come back here and now you'll be in the way all day again doing absolutely nothing'.

'Well I'll just bring the commy down and play it on the big telly for a bit'.

'No you wont, my programs are on!'

'Like what?'

'Deal or no Deal is on in five minutes'.

'Why watch that? You know its fixed dont you?'

'I know its fixed, but I watch just so I can keep my mind occupied with argumentative thoughts for 45 minutes'.

'I'll just go and hide in a dark cupboard for a few hours then'.

'Why do you put yourself down so much?

'Because if I dont put myself down, someone else will and its less painful putting yourself down rather than letting someone else do it'.

'Strange lad'.

'Very strange and I came out of your body... you must be ever so proud'.

'Well I am proud even if you are a wee bit strange'.

'Stranger than you talking Scottish?'

  • She sighs*

'I may as well go back upstairs then and use up a few more hours of my life, I feel like a battery sometimes... 'Oh you know what I did yesterday?'


'I put my details in a thing called the Death Clock on the Internet and its supposed to tell you when your gonna die'.

'What did it say for you?'

'It said I am never going to die because sad people exist forever and then I put my speakers on and I swear I heard a laugh at my expense'.

'Do you think someone programmed the laughter in?'

'Probably, there are geeks out there who can program anything. 'I bet they love people like me, sad losers who cannot get a girlfriend'.

'Oh I dont know... geeks love people like themselves and you fit that very bill'.

'I aint go geek Ma... I cannot program in JAVA and C++ or hack into the Pentagon computer and I have never needed glasses'.

'This conversation must now die. Deal or no Deal has began'.

  • Ryan runs his arse upstairs and hopes that his small window has turned into an orange colour signifying a new MSN response. Sadly it was still a dull grey when he entered the bedroom*

'Dammit, nobody ever speaks on MSN... It shouldn't be called a chatroom, it should be called 'The Room Of Deathly Silence And Misery For Losers Who Cant Spell'.

'I know, there must be something on Freeview'.

  • Flips through Freeview channels*

'Quiz show... quiz show... quiz show... Deal or no Deal quiz show... quiz show... quiz show... quiz show... quiz show... quiz show... quiz show... quiz show'.

'O... K... Nothing but Quiz Crap, may as well watch Deal or no Deal'.

  • Noel Smarmy Edmunds comes on*

'Ok Jeanne I want you to remain positive, let's get some positive energy in here people'. 'Positivity is my favourite word Jeanne, did you know that?'

'Um no Noel, I wasn't really paying much attention'.

'Oh Jeanne its really important you take this game seriously, the banker has been humiliating his opponents this week and he sees you merely as his latest conquest'.

'Well Noel you seem to think your a ladies man, and you'd love to see me as a conquest too I bet'.

'Hahahaha... good one woman... you really shown him there, look at him he doesn't know what to say... hahahahah'

'Well Jeanne let's open this first box, which number do you want to choose... I hope its not the 250,000'.

'Um... number 17'.

'Ok Clive open Box 17 and let's hope its a small blue one'.

  • Clive keeps the lid pressed down with one arm so that the rigged box remains intact and with the other hand carefully opens the lid*

'Ohhhhhh... 250,000 we didn't want that one Jeanne'.

'I bet Noel is pissing himself laughing underneath now, I bet he was taking his revenge on that poor woman'.

'Sod this, I cannot be arsed watching anymore, I got better things to do with my life than sit here and eat Cheese & Onion Walkers Crisps'.

  • Sadly I couldnt think of those better things to do with my life*

'I feel like I'm gonna hang myself'.

'You cannot sir'.

'Why the hell not?'

'Well just because you want to die, doesn't mean I do'.

'Well its my body, I call the shots'.

'You should be 'drinking' the shots and enjoying a magnificent social life'.

'Why should I drink? Its not really healthy is it?'

'Technically no... but why let somebody saying 'technically no' scare the living shit outta ya'.

'Fair point'.

'Scientists love to scare-monger sir'.

'Yeah but if I drink for the next ten years, will I not look like a darts player?'

'Yes, but that's the price you pay for 'aving (aving - some kind of London slang) a great social life'.

'What if I dont want a great social life?'

'Then you continue as you are, having social panic attacks, hiding away like Darkman in a warehouse creating false skins and pushing a trolley around... only you wont have the bandages on your face'.

'You're not helping me conscience, you're just giving advice and expecting me to help myself... what I need is some kind of scientific machine where somebody popular and loved can enter into my body and control my actions and personality and all will be well'.

'That sounds like a bloody great idea sir'.

'Is it possible though?'

'Absolutely. Not'.

'So why the hell did you say it was a great idea then and get my hopes built up!?!?' (Question marks and exclamation marks mixed together is a geeky term used on chatrooms and forums).

'Well I was trying to instill some confidence in you'.

'Well surely it was more damaging for confidence in the long run when you tell me its not possible!!!'

'I never thought of that sir'.

'You never think, that's your problem and a conscience is meant to do nothing but think'.

Mum:- 'Who the hell are you talking to in here?'


'I thought I heard voices'.

'Yeah they are all in your head'. 'Ow my filling just hurt'.

'You should get to a dentist Ryan, you never brush your teeth from one day to the next, he'd have a right go at you'.

'The dentist said I had great teeth last time I went'.

'Yes, but that was seven years ago!!!'

'Point taken'.

'You should try and get the same dentist as me, he's called Mr DangerMouth'.

'Eww, why's he called that?'

'No reason, admittedly the name doesn't help him'. 'But its not the name that counts, its the skill in his work what matters'.

'Do they still give you that really nice blue mouthwash down there?'


'I think I'll go... I wasn't going to, but the mouthwash thing has just tempted me'.

  • On my way down to the dentist I saw a cat sitting on a wall... but this was no ordinary cat... It was a dog, I was looking at it wrong*

'Funny how the mind can play tricks'.

'Well the conscience is good at playing tricks too sir'.

'Funny how everything inside the body can play tricks'.

'Like what?'

'Well the heart sometimes likes to play dead, what kind of sick trick is that? 'Stopping on purpose and making you think you are dead, its just really sick'.

'Sick as a parrot?'

'Sicker than the average parrot'.

'Sicker than Pea Soup and a Meat Pie Floater?'

'Since when did I say you could read Terry Pratchett books?'

'Since you started reading them, I'm your conscience remember, we do things together... we eat together, read together and go to the toilet together'.


'Dont worry I aint seen ya knob or anything'.


'That's probably because it was microscopic'.

'You son of a bitch, I'll kill ya!!!!!!'

'Haha how? A) I'm not a physical entity and B) If you try and kill me you will probably only succeed in killing you'.

'Arrrggghhhhh... such an annoying clever one!'

'Calm down, dont do anything stupid'

'What? like swallow this rusty nail on the floor'.

'Dont do it, you'll be overwhelmed by rustiness, not to mention the horrific pain it will cause to your throat'.

'That's the whole point conscience, maybe I'm ready to die right now and take you with me'.

'I'm not a suitcase... a nutcase maybe... but just think this through'.

'Ok I've thought it through, I've left the working out on my lungs... take a read if you want'.

  • Conscience picks up the note*

'Dear conscience, I have thought through this long and hard and I have come to the decision that I should kill myself, but don't worry I have left you my X-Box 360, Bizarre Magazines est 1921 and treasured Blackburn Rovers Home Shirt from 2001 as part of my will'.

'But if you kill yourself sir, then I have to die too'

'Hahaha... that's part of the joke, you dont get my will... just my chance of getting sweet revenge'.

Three rainy days had passed, nothing worthwhile had happened, Groundhog Day was upon us yet again. A lot of the time during the winter, Jack didn't like to talk, his conscience used this as the perfect time to hibernate, free from the constant bickering over which biscuits to eat. Jammie Dodgers or Chocolate Digestives.

Jack had been pondering leaving the house, but decided that there might be 'physical people' out there, he didn't really want to have to 'physically' touch them or 'communicate' with them. He would spend hours drawing maps starting with a picture of 'my house' and then filling out the correct sequence of directions all the way to the shops. He felt like somebody in the army strategically deciding which route was best for his men to take. But Jack was simply looking for the best possible route from A to B where he would see or converse with the least number of 'physical people' possible. It was always a challenge and unpredictable, you never knew when 'physical people' were going to come out of their garden gate and say 'hi', this was too risky for Jack. Going when it was dark was a sure of seeing less people, although he may encounter drunks, and if one of them had given him grief, he just might well panic himself to death on the spot. Jack was also worried about cars, he knew that they were dangerous, always waiting until he was in the middle of the road before revving their engines and humiliating him by either signalling for him to walk forward or give the look of disgust for being such an idiot. Yes, with agoraphobia there was never a dull moment... Actually there were dull moments, most of them spent indoors playing hide and seek against the entire world.

'How can I change conscience?'

'You could start by putting some different clothes on sir'.

'I mean 'physically' change conscience?' 'I'm sick of bouncing back and forth like a tennis ball, I wanna know what its like to be picked up by a ballboy or ballgirl and discarded from the Truman Show world I currently exist within'.

'YOU, seriously about changing?'

'Yes... YOU'RE serious about giving me some great advice conscience?'

'Yes... YOU Serious about taking me seriously?'