Death Race 2000
|Death Race part 2000|
So maybe I'll race Apollo, maybe I won't.
|Directed by||Allan Allcock|
|Produced by||Ron Jeremy|
|Starring||Sylvester Stallone, Tim Curry, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Token Black Guy, and a bunch of chicks who get naked.|
|Music by||Toiletry Sounds|
|Cinematography||Down the Toilet Inc|
|Editing by||Unknown Drunk|
|Distributed by||Your Mom|
|Running time||84 minutes|
|Language||English, Australian, American, Canadian, Jewish|
|Budget||$30, plus pizza|
Death Race part 2000 is considered to be one the best movie sequels of all time... would you believe it? Of all time!! Well, how about one of the only movies to be better then the original? Wait, stop their, Don Adams lawyers are informing us not to continue on with this "would you believe" gag, and we hear at uncyclopedia are already 35 cents in debt from the copyright infringement of mentioning Lars Ulrich name on various pages. So with that said, lets continue on with more information of an article filled with sex, drugs, violence, rock n roll & no mention of Metallica to piss off the lawyers.
In the 20th century, it was looking highly doubtful that a sequel could ever out-do the very first movie of a series. It was a shock to all when after 1,999 attempts to out-do "Death Race 1, it was when Alan Allcock created the 2000th installment of Death Race, that someone had finally managed to achieve this feat of creating a sequel greater then the original. Since Alan was brought on board during the making of Death Race part 729, Alan finally manged to create a sequel even better then the original! After an astonishing 361 failed attempts (3 less then Michael Bay's career), the unthinkable was done! Alans formula for this sequel was to analyze the movies structure and try to re-gain viewer interest, instead of just blowing shit up and popping in a boob or two with crossed fingers. Alan first started to look into the words "Death" & "Race" and move away from it's original storyline of a bunch of drunken college KKK members attempting to rid the world completely of Niggers that stole their bikes, and instead actually involve some kind of racing event where death is waiting around every turn.
The main plot of the movie goes like this: in the year 2050, cures have been found for major diseases like AIDS, cancer, leukemia and interests in Harry Potter films, but nothing has been found as a solution for the starving children in Africa. The powers that be at the United Nations come to agree that in order to cure the increasing population of starving children in Africa, they should just be put to death. So, with the internet at it's highest peak in popularity, the U.N. (who is really just the United States of America, no surprise there) allow a television network to set-up a live broadcasted car-race across the African desert where drivers are awarded bonus points for downing little starving African children. They get 50 points for taking down a child, 75 for taking down any AIDS infested women and 125 points if the victim is a fan of Micheal Flatly.
The main character is named Mad Max(played by Sylvester Stallone) who embarks on an African cross-country journey to find his true inner-gay-self by driving at excess speeds of 340mph in his souped-up Speed Racer as well as running over as many starving Ethiopians as he can in order to ease the suffering of starving children. This motive shows that he is a bad-ass on the outside, but he really does have a heart of gold on the inside and just wants to help the African children with their pain and suffering.
His journey also involves his beautifully big breasted female navigator/co-pilot named Penelope Tittdrop who is really only cast in the movie so that the homophobic audiences are guaranteed to not be overly nauseated by the main faggotorian actor as he struggles to pretend he is interested in the opposite sex (Much like the love scenes in Twilight). Well, that as well as the fact that she repeats every line Stallone says so that the rest of the audience will be able to interpret what the fuck Stallone just said.
The other main contender and co-star to the movie is Max's arch rival, Frankenfarter (played by Tim Curry). This character's back-story continues on from his first introduction in a movie titled The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He has flown his spaceship back to Earth and is 100% focused on killing Max due to Frankinfarter lending Max his Blockbuster Video card and refusing to pay the 75 cent late fee for his overdue return.
Frankenfarters' co-pilot is a yellow dog named Mutley who provides a little comic relief by rubbing his butt along the tire marks on the road while saying his famous quote, "Skid marks on skid marks, tee hee hee hee,". Together, Frankenfarter and Mutley drive a rather odd looking hot-rod and during the whole race Frankenfarter and Mutley are doing all they can to sabotage Max from finishing the race. This determination to do so and for what purpose is unknown to many, but it managed to massively influence comic book artists to portray this in one notable strip within 2000 AD.
The rest of the characters and vehicles are not really the main focus of the movie. They are reserved mainly for cameo appearances, such as Stallone's ex wife, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who makes a cameo guest appearance midway through the movie as a starving Ethiopian child that Stallone's character mauls down in a scene that has been deemed even more gruesome then when Paris Hilton jumped at the chance to be fingered by the main characters inthe 2013 porno film Freddy vs. Eddy
. Many people did not even notice Arnie was the guest star in that scene where Max runs down the child and stops to use the exposed intestines as a skipping rope in a tribute to his Rocky Balboa character's training montages.
In it's opening week, Death Race part 2000 made a total gross of twenty-five bucks. It wasn't until Siskel & Bert gave the film the thumbs down that audiences raced to see how well the 1999th installment was for themselves. Critics dismissed the movie as nothing but a no-brainier action flick with lots of noise and explosions, but once word got out that the movie didn't star Matt Damon or Ben Stiller and showed a lot of un-needed titty drops, audiences flocked in high numbers to view the film.
The most average review for this movie is found to be along the lines of: "Well, it's really shit. But it's better then the first one that was really, really shit... so you can't deny it's the best sequel of all time. Especially since parts 2 to 1,999 were really, really, REALLY shit!"
To help promote more interest in revenue for films or we should say, to help scam dumb fucks like <insert name here>, movie companies releasing big blockbuster action films will always look to make even more money off the movie by releasing rights to video game companies so that they can make a game based on the movie. When it was announced at the 26thE-3P0 expo just before the movies release that Rockstar Games had received the rights to make the video game based on the movie, hopes where high that this game would combine the awesome racing and carnage that their previous titles like "Grand Theft Auto" had utilized and combine it with a more bloody "battle to the death" race atmosphere.
Unfortunately, what resulted was a game in the tradition of a NES version of games based on movies that had nothing to do with anything from the movie whatsoever. The object of this Nintendo DS-only release was an objective to blow into the DS blow hole and have Penelope Tittdrop preform fellatio on Mad Max before he gets angry and punches her. The alternative object of the game is to get Penelope pregnant and keep Max happy for 12 months till her baby is born by avoiding letting Max punch her in the stomach or get too playful with a coat-hanger. Once she has two black eyes, Max has already told her twice and a 3rd will result simply in game over.
The game was rejected by the public as one of the worst movie adaption video games of all time, but the small graphic of Penelope's Anime pink panties was enough to insure the game went to #1 in Japan.