Deerfield

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“Deerfield?, I thought you said 'Beer Field'”

~ Oscar Wilde on Deerfield

“ I am not a freshmen.”

~ Joe Sullivan
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Deerfield.

Deerfield is a village in Lake Spooky, Illinois, United States. A portion of the village is in somewhere up north. The population was 18,420 at the 2000 census.

Deerfield is home to the headquarters of Walgreens, Baxter Healthcare, APAC Customer Services, Fortune Brands, Takeda Pharmaceuticals, and Così, and was at one time the headquarters of the Sara Lee Corporation. Deerfield High School is one of the top public schools in the state.[Just kidding!] Trinity International University, an evangelical Christian university, is located in Deerfield.[look it up yourself]

Deerfield is represented by the 10th Congressional District of Illinois, 29th District of the Illinois Senate, and the 58th District of the Illinois House of Representatives.[Actually it's run by Jews.]

Overview and early history[edit]

Bucky: The loyal Medicine Man of Deerfield

Deerfield is a blissful paradise for all large mammals between 100-250 pounds. In 1971 the French explorer Jo Jo discovered the cure for Cancer by talking to the native Deer Medicine man, Bucky in this very town. Also, Deefield is the only known safe place to go when WalMart closes down. The main export from Deerfield is obviously Steel replicas of Famous blades of grass. Coming in a close 6366th place is Venison, The local favorite form of meat.

During Times of War, the deer, and their allies to the north the lemming, enjoy watching Professional eaters such as Deerfield's own Bambi duke it out in order to set the record for most slices of pizza enjoyed in one sitting. The air around Deerfield is made of a mix between Mentos and Diet Coke which causes frequent simultaneous combustion among visitors from high altitude locations.

Townsfolk[edit]

The citizens of Deerfield urge everyone to come see the

The great Deerfield Diamond

annual running of the Deer From "the Diamond City" (DFDC) to Deerfield on May 23rd. Each year 48% of the crowd dies. Starting in 2001 Deerfield Citizens have held their very snack time festival. Each year over 20 people come to the eat there very own snacks. These range from common airline pretzels to your more advanced and expensive oreo cookie.

Famous people who live in this bitchy town are Carlos Zambrano, Lou Pinella, and George (War Starting) Bush

Weather and Climate[edit]

Deerfield is of course Northern part of the Southern half of the northern half of the eastern part of the great state of Illinois. It has a climate that ranges from long snowy summers to Hot rainy winters. Each year Deerfield receives 2 Chuck Norris' in snow which is 72 feet. Deerfield is famous for the Chicago Stink river that flows through. The great Tom Sawyer floated down this very river before he and Huck Finn committed Scicide. It was also the very same river that was stained red on June the 14th 1863 when 200 Trillion Injuns were slaughtered. Deerfield is known for its frequent Meteor attacks which destroy all humanity at least 3 times a week. One of the best parts of Deerfields Climate is every fall, when earthquakes continually shake the ground for 3 months without stopping, causing some very fun rollercoaster riding type feelings.

Government[edit]

The mayor of Deerfield is the legendary Madame Defarge, of such novels as "A Tale of Two Cities" and "Unicorn Paradise". In the year 2159, she will cellebrate her 400th birthday by opening the time capsule created in her memory by her BFFs, Zeus, and Ghandi.

Education[edit]

Deerfield Boasts one of the top underwater sewing learning schools in the nation. Each year hundreds of Millions of eager youngsters pass through the halls of this school. The town also has an excellent public school system, where children are taught how to spit on communists and eat defenceless panda Bears. For those who are smarter then the rest they all are sent to work mining coal, since higher education is frowned upon in Deerfield.

The Legend of Deer the Deer[edit]

The following is all true:

The Great one named Deer

On a cold Sunday Morning of June the 15th 1862 the leader of the buffalo choose to move his great buffalo herd to a sunny spot in Deerfield. He planned to attack and kill all the deer and rename the spot buffalo-field. The Deer had a spy who found out about the planned buffalo attack and they were able to prepare. A bloody battle started between the two Species. The Deer were losing ground fast. But, then a young Deer named Deer, because no Deer have names stupid, charged into the pack of Buffalo and fed them all pancake breakfast. It is a widely known fact that Buffalo are alergic to Pancakes and the Deer won the battle. The Buffalo retreated and had to settle for a differant setting which they named Buffalo Grove. To honor the brave Deer named Deer, the Deer of Deerfield errected a mound of dirt in his honor. This mound of dirt still is here today at the address of 5356 Hazelhurst road. And this is the Legend of Deer the Deer.












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