Degrassi

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Degrassi.

Degrassi is a Canadian Religious Movement widely known as the sine qua non of teenage culture. It has its own channel on XM radio, and has been cited as both a Bastion of Morality and A Sequel To Morality. Its basic tenets involve watching variations of Degrassi to learn moral lessons and taking on unbelievably stupid nicknames that not even Canadian kids would have. Seriously, the kids of this show have even stupider nicknames than people online. Not a lot of people watch this because Canadians don't watch TV, and people in the U.S. can't afford satellite TV XM Radio, damn recession.


Plot Structure[edit]

The plots of Degrassi are like a fine wine: it gets better with age. As the characters grow older, they become more and more Xtreme. A notable exception concerns every single character. All of them were pre-natally gang-raped by Karl Rove; this perhaps explains the bizarre tendency of the Degrassi children to participate in vile activity specifically to learn lessons. This example comes from the "NextGen" pilot:

Paige: What happens if I stick this lightbulb clear up my vagina?
Marco: Paige, I'm a transexual.
Paige: Shit, shit, shit! No, shit! Wah, wha, shit!
Marco: I thought you'd understand...
Paige: No, shit, shit, help! Shit! Bad idea, Marco, shit, don't just stand there!
-Degrassi Pilot Episode

Incarnations[edit]

  • The Kids of Degrassi Street: the first show in the series, involves elementary school dropouts begging on the streets of Toronto.
  • Degrassi Junior High: in this version of the show, Spike, a Super-Saiyan, became pregnant and later vampirized, Kevin Smith began years of masturbating to images of Caitlin, and teens said "aboot" while listening to some of the Worst Music Ever. Most followers first came to Degrassi through Junior High, before graduating to harder stuff.
  • Degrassi High: in this version, the students and their teachers all graduated to high school. Wheels became an alcoholic, Buffy became the slayer, Spike got her soul back, Claude got a gravestone, the Dwayne the Bully got AIDS, and the entire female cast got abortions.
  • School's Out: the cast holed up in their school at graduation, battling off an invasion of zombies. This tv movie featured guest appearances by most of the original Brady Bunch (except for Cindy, who was killed in Africa while stalking an elephant in her pyjamas).
  • Degrassi: the Next Generation: once Spike's bratty love-child was old enough to attend school and suck off guys in the ravine, the show returned. New characters included Paige, a trendy lesbian cheerleader, and Marco, he's gay. Several original characters (O.C.'s) returned to salvage what was left of their careers.
  • Degrassi Gnoll: A 2-hour television special/crossover where the Degrassi gang travels to the past with General Grievous to kill John F. Kennedy. However, Kennedy himself has gone back in time to murder himself, therefore causing a paradox and destroying the universe. In the end, they end up deciding to put aside their differences and kill John Quincy Adams.
  • Degrassi Beach: A 2 hour crossover where the cast of Degrassi met the cast of The O.C. All that was said was: hey and eh. It scored a record 100 million viewers. It barely beat out another crossover, Family Nazi where the cast of Family Guy become nazis.
  • Degrassi: The Animated Series: An animated series with a multitude of continuity errors, Buffy, Spike, Jan, Page and Canadian stars like, William Shatner, Avril Lavigne, and Celine Dion. The gang teams up with a talking manatee and the groups solves mysteries on a weekly basis. Viewers can call win with the name of a person, a verb, or a pop-culture reference written on it, and when the balls travel down a shaft, a group of five of them form jokes for future episodes.
  • One Night in Degrassi :A whore by the name of Stephanie K, was later found to be Paris Hilton and yet still is unable to act apart from lying on her back. Also includes that stupid kid who always wears that stupid hat Joey something.

The "Degrassi: The Next Generation" universe[edit]

Basically, the "Degrassi NextGen" universe revolves around the character of Craig, or, more precisely, the character of Craig's penis, which is possibly the most active and compelling member of the cast.

When the noted dick is resting, Manny Santos often fills in. This young woman has successively:

  • Dressed like a streetwalker
  • Gotten pregnant at age 14
  • Flashed her breasts to a guy with a camera
  • Cavorted with male strippers
  • Been shocked to realize that this is not a joke, but how the character has developed.
  • Had sex with all of the Degrassi boys except Toby. Because Toby is WAY too good for her.
  • Won the coveted Slut of the Year award. Also is the youngest female to win this award. (Youngest Male winner of Slut of the Year award was won by Miley Cyrus)

When the character of Craig's penis had already done it's damage to every girl in Toronto, he decided to travel to Vancouver to see how he will fare there. He knew however that Vancouver chicks were much tougher to get into bed (especially if you're not American) so he devised a clever disguise as an emo guitar player and eventually left behind all of his friends and ex-vaginae. What happens to him in Vancouver is never really explained, instead we get to enjoy watching Manny Santos' personal struggle to keep her inner slut from coming back out...which lasts about five episodes. She succumbs once again to the same guy with a camera for some hot lesbian action with a christian girl, the pictures are posted on a password protected MySpace page, which is hacked by that black kid with an afro and his ginger sidekick. Some more stuff happens, Toby finally gets some action, and some kid dies because he suddenly got an oatmeal craving in the middle of a fucking party at 3AM. Seriously though, no one freaking cares.

After managing to reach his goal of nailing every orifice in Vancouver, Craig returns to Degrassi with a cocaine addiction. Another one of his clever schemes, this time to get inside the only girl he never got to penetrate vaginally, Ellie. Hoping by now some other boys have loosened the tightness a bit, which is shame unfortunately, but such is the curse of having been blessed with such a huge penis. He manages to get rid of that cockblocker Manny, but not before getting her high on cocaine and ending the high point of her interestedness. However, before he finally gets a chance to get at Ellie, he becomes the victim of his own clever scheme, and in a cocaine high completely ruins his chances with Ellie. His only chance at redemption completely fails when he gets a nosebleed as a result of the cocaine during his big break at a club, because only geeks get nosebleeds. He decides to go on another one of his sex travels, this time his goal to have sex with EVERY girl in Canada, including Elisha Cuthbert and that girl from Scrubs. He finally does get Ellie...I think, I stopped watching once my initial attraction for that jb Indian girl subsided.

Season 7[edit]

After managing to extend the life of some of the characters by making an entire school year span two seasons instead of one. The writers were in some deep shit because every major character was going to graduate Degrassi by the end of the season. They sat in their meeting room which consisted of toilets, where they took shit after shit trying to come up with ideas to save the show. They couldn't do a college version of Degrassi because some fangirls had already come up with that idea, and they didn't want to risk a lawsuit, which proves the theory that fan-people kill shows. After everyone was all shitted-out, and produced no ideas, one of the writers suddenly felt a deep rumble in his intestines, and released the biggest shit in Canadian history. He had an idea! Introduce new characters to eventually replace the old ones. The writers were amazed by his genius and made comparisons to Einstein, Carl Jung, and the sort. That massive shit is on display on the Degrassi filming lot, located in who knows where. Fans have spent years searching for the lot in Google Earth, but they mostly give up trying to find where the country of Canada is on the map. Because not even Google knows where the hell Canada is. Seeing as though the characters take multiple trips to the beach throughout the series, we assume it is somewhere near the Equator, perhaps near Australia? How the hell should I know? I'm American.

Here are the new characters created for Season 7:

Sav Muhammad Bhandari

Sav is a sand nigger Indian(you can't say that on Uncyclopedia) sand nigger(oh yeah?) Indian(yeah) guy who was the first person in his race to discover showering, and as a result induces anal fantasies in females between the ages of 2-125. Because all Indians really need is a bath for them to become the most sexually desired race in the world.

Holly Sinclair

Holly is an exact copy of Paige before she got "raped"(she was asking for it) and developed feelings. She is a super-bitch in perpetual menstruation who has not discovered masturbation. Holly is the sister of Heather "Invisible Woman" Sinclair. She wants to take it in the ass from Sav.

Anya McDonald

Daughter of Ronald McDonald. A soft-spoken girl with braces, and most likely the prettiest girl in Degrassi if only due to the fact that she's the only virgin in the entire school. She provides 34% of the male Degrassi audience, who tune in eager to watch the episode where she finally takes those damn braces off and claims her rightful place as the Queen of Degrassi. She wants to take it in the ass from Sav.

Mia "Mamma Mia" Valieri Yorke Jones

Mia is the reason they introduced sex-ed to grade school kids in Canada. When she was 9 she had a baby and the baby daddy left her, typical. When she came to Degrassi she established a relationship with another baby daddy who has a fondness for oatmeal, who got stabbed on the way to his car to get some (oatmeal that is). She actually made her first appearance in Season 6, but I didn't notice her because she was always moving a baby carriage around, and my mind has this thing that blocks off any women with baby carriages. She wants to take it in the ass from Sav.

Jane Vaughn

Jane was written in as a replacement for Ellie after she lost her virginity. She is ugly because all the female fans of Degrassi say so, who are the be end and end all of opinions on female beauty. She wants to take it in the ass from Sav.

Johnny "Why Does He Always Wear a Hat?" DiMarco

This guy was one of the people in the gang who beat up Toby in the previous season. Which is really nothing big because that happens to Toby in every episode, he's like the Kenny of getting beat up. But as a result of this beat up session Toby earns a pity kiss on the cheek from Manny, which gives him 8,300 different types of STIs. WHICH MEANS JOHNNY MUST DIE! He wants to take it in the ass from Sav.

There is also a black person introduced in this season.

Season 8[edit]

The writers then wrote in 1,258 new characters into the series to prevent another post-Season 6 shit-fest. However only 112 survived because they looked the guy with a camera (Jamie Johnston) in the eye. All the characters who had started from Season 1 had already graduated, and there was no need for them anymore. The writers thought the actors will get the message and not show up for the first day of Season 8 filming. However, they didn't and became butthurt when they noticed their designated parking spaces had different names on them. No one was more butthurt than Jimmy "Drake" Brooks, and he decided to kill all the new characters by singing out words that rhymed. Everyone died except 13 of them, and Canada had experienced their first taste of gangsta rape rap. Luckily (for them), it was their last, because Drake decided to use the portal out of Canada and traveled to the U.S. There Drake and his Blackberry had a successful career in the hip-hop industry, he sold 17 albums, and broke the record for most hip-hop albums sold ever.

Season 8 introduced the most compelling characters ever, including the new ninth graders who will no doubt make the alumni proud by introducing more drama into their school:

Clare "Little Edwards" Edwards

Clare is the little sister of that christian girl who got "raped"(she was asking for it) in Season 7. In the beginning she wears her old school's uniform because no school was as great as that one. She attempts to wear different clothes 69 different times throughout the season, but stops because she always changed for the wrong reasons. In the end she finds the perfect reason to change, to cause boners throughout the entire Degrassi student body, especially that kid named after a popular chocolate and peanut butter snack.

Alliah "Sav's Little Sister" "Manny Santos Jr." "Backwoods" Bhandari

The tales of Manny Santos' escapades reached the ears of millions, inspiring women everywhere. But no one more than Alli, Sav's little sister. Her first victim? Johnny DiMarco. She tries to get Johnny into bed, which shouldn't be too hard, right? But for some reason, Johnny wants to take it slow because he actually has feelings for Alli. Alli, being a female, always wants the opposite of what a male wants, but she finally succeeds in getting Johnny into bed. Alli suddenly discovers that being like Manny Santos is hard, because that requires being the biggest whore since Marilyn Monroe.

Connor "Connor" Connorson

Connor is the next Einstein. Which can only mean one thing, he has Asperger's. Which symptoms include not knowing when a girl only wants to be friends, and not knowing when a girl wants to have sex with you. Although everyone knows his fate lies in marrying Clare, the writers (who DO NOT have Asperger's) do not want you to know this until Season 38. He likes playing Risk, but who doesn't like Risk? Risk is like, the best game ever!

K.C. "Bipolar" Guthrie

K.C. is the first male in the world to be diagnosed with bipolarism. He lost his virginity to his 16 year old babysitter when he was only 3 months old. He discovered that getting regular girls into bed was way too easy, so he dedicated himself to improving his grades just so he can get into the Degrassi gifted class and get the nerdy sweet girls into bed. He didn't however, anticipate meeting Connor, his old buddy from group therapy. This increases his difficulty of getting the gifted girls into bed from Medium, to "Dante Must Die!". He has been blessed with no parents. He meets the girl of his dreams and future wife in Season 9.

Controversy[edit]

Many believe that Degrassi: The Next Generation is far inferior to Degrassi: The Original Series mostly due to the absence of William Shatner as principal in TNG. Some however prefer Patrick Stewart as principle. Whatever the case, both sides agree that Wil Wheaton is the most annoying school janitor the franchise has ever seen.

Degrassi's main purpose is to make as many pre-teens and teens as emo as possible so that the anti-depressant drug companies can make boatload upon boatload of money. The show has dealt with many issues familiar to teenagers, such as body image, drug dealing, drug use and abuse, teen drinking, grades, college, stress, suicide, menstruation, rape, child abuse, incest, Barbara Streisand, dating, teen pregnancy, abortion, adoption and childbirth, premature birth, sexuality, hate crimes, homophobia, puberty, cutting, death, rumors, domestic violence, infidelity, cancer, eating disorders (anorexia), school shootings, theft, mental illness, gambling, penis size, STDs, terrorism, race relations, nocturnal emissions, ###########, #############, pedophilia, plastic surgery, visible erections, sex, ########, ########, necrophilia, necromancy, same-sex marriage, religion and especially emonism .