Deicide (partially defined as the flogging of a supreme supernatural being) is a crime that has been constantly on the rise since its initial occurrences in the 19th century. It was both invented and first committed in 1883 by well known German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche when he proudly stated in the streets "God is dead." However, he fervently denied responsibility for this crime, simply stating to the press: "Zarathustra did it." Nietzsche, who was released on false accusations, gave up on Zarathustra. Zarathustra was then put to death because of this crime.
Deicide increased steadily following the incident, but it was not until the first decades of the twentieth century that deities began to respond to the growing threat to their existance. Some, such as the Norse gods, fortified their defenses in order to withstand hostile forces. Sadly, this strategy was shown to be completely inneffective, as the Norse pantheon was wiped out in the Ragnarok of 1927. Many more prudent gods chose instead to give up their supernatural abilities and live among humans. For example, the Egyption cat goddess Bast migrated to suburban New York, where she was a staple of the retirement community. The Hawaiian volcano goddess Pele became a graphic artist in a highly recognized Japanese toy company. Most impressively, the sun god Zoroaster adopted several hundred different identities, all of which were musicians. Among these were Buddy Holly, Elvis Presley, John Lennon, Sting, Bono, and Clay Aiken, although the true number is unknown.
The Olympian Reaction
The Olympian gods of Greece took a similar approach. After seeing the steady increase of deicide for several decades, they decided enough was enough, and packed their bags. After much deliberation, they decided on an apartment located in midtown Manhattan, where they were all to reside. However, several of the notable Olympians did not move in due to extenuating circumstances. Ares and Hephestus were arrested in a drunken brawl over the love of Aphrodite which destroyed several small villages in France, and thus currently serving several life sentances (approximately 200 years). Apollo and Artemis were barred from entering the United States under one of the many immigration quotas put into place in the early 20th century, the Anti-Alliterration Act. And Dionysus, showing a complete lack of foresight, adopted the identity of a young writer named Ernest Hemingway. He has been sorely missed. Still, a great number of the original Olympians did make it to New York City. As is often the case with immigrants, they quickly adopted many of the customs of modern American society. The assimillation of the Olympians into American culture is a triumph of our society-we must take action in order to protect our deities from harm, so that they contribute more to the culture and inner workings of American society. Call your congressman.
Recorded Victims of Deicide
- That Guy
- The Radio Star
- certainly not Your mom
- Richard Simmons
- The American theater
- The Most Awesome Page Ever
- Berlusconi - he resurrected 3 seconds after