|Dennis "WTF" Miller|
|We can't get the picture up. This was the biggest failure since William Jennings Bryan.|
|Height:||Taller than Napoleon Bonaparte, shorter than Abraham Lincoln
|Catchphrase:||"I haven't seen anything like that since Macchiavelli and Voltaire read the Monroe Doctrine in Armenian!"
|Geisenheim Factor:||Geisenheim? Worst thing in Germany since Kaiser Wilhelm!
|Hitlerism Percentage:||Depends. Are we comparing him to the "Kingfish", Huey Long?
|Favorite Dish:||Anything that can be served with a nice '44 Pino Noir. That came out back when MacArthur was fighting on the beaches of Normandy.
|Hobbies:||Verbal pugilism, studying obscure historical refrences, pretending to be a Republican|
|Kingdom||The Magic Kingdom|
|Class||Class of '71|
|Order||A combo number 6 with a medium Sprite|
|Family||The DeMedici family|
|Doesn't need one, needs only one name, just like Charlemagne|
|Primary armament||Weapons similar to the one we dropped on Hiroshima (only not nuclear)|
|Secondary armament||Being named Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" at least thirteen times|
|Health||What does HP stand for, "Harry Potter"? If we only read the works of Upton Sinclair as much as we read books about wizards. We'd be more aware of where the hell our tainted meat is coming from.|
|Weight||Does it really matter?|
|Length||Taller than Napoleon Bonaparte, shorter than Abraham Lincoln|
|Special attack||Able to confuse Bill O'Reilly while comparing the fall of the Mayan Empire to the fall of Reaganism|
|You mean conservatism, something he believes in more than Southerners believed in the Missouri Compromise.|
The Dennis Miller is a rare breed of comedian who can be found in many different niches, such as Fox News and reruns of Comedy Central standup specials. Miller often rants about topics such as healthcare, the auto industry, and the literary works of Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky. Like the Great Compromiser Henry Clay, Miller was once a well known figure, but he has since "gone over to the dark side" and slipped into obscurity.
Miller was born in Pittsburgh in 1953, the very same years that the Red Scare and Bill Haley and his Comets dominated American life. From a young age, Miller was very interested in politics, similar to John Calhoun before resigning from the vice presidency. He also enjoyed comedy, much like Shakespeare when he wrote "Twelth Night". This, like when Don Quixote spent his childhood reading books of knight errantry, made Miller believe that he would make a good political comedian. In the late 1980s, the years that the Democrats claim hairspray destroyed the ozone layer, Miller got his big break by joining the cast of Saturday Night Live. This show, similarly to the Greek comedies of Sophocles, Aristophanes, and Testiclēs, proved to be quite popular with the masses. Similarly to the book of Job, Miller was rewarded by the omnipotent Lorne Michaels (a Canadian double agent working to subvert American culture by manipulating television comedy) for his obedience by anchoring the Weekend Update segment, where he read broadsides much like the populace in the early 19th century. He took the world by storm, much like Machiavelli had plans of doing. Miller then decided to cross over to standup comedy, which he believed would be the most successful crossover since Hannibal crossed the Alps with his elephants. However, much like Icharus when his wax wings were melted by the sun, Miller began his slow road to obscurity, like a cloaked Klingon Bird of Prey trailing the Enterprise to Khitomer.
Many people do not understand what Miller has to say, especially those who speak only Spanish, and radio listeners who live out of range of his network affiliates. Then again, these are probably the same people who believe a thesaurus is a type of dinosaur. Whenever he mentions a reference to Shakespeare, all of those people are awestruck by what they believe is a reference to Shakey's Pizza.
Current Life (post-1993)
Miller served as a sideline reporter on Monday Night Football on ABC. The last time football was so exciting, a young Marshall Goldberg was still playing for Pitt. Miller also frequently appears as a guest on the popular Fox News show "The O Rly Factor", while commenting on political issues in a manner resembling the British Parliament. He has also hosted the NBC show "Amne$ia". Here, he gave his two cents about his eccentric contestants in a dry manner that almost resembled Oscar Wilde. The name "Amne$ia" is appropriate, because it only lasted a few weeks and nobody actually remembers or cares about it, just like the presidential term of William Henry Harrison.
“His cock tastes better than Rupert's.”
“Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.”
“I haven't seen anything like him since Robespierre and Disraeli read the Magna Carta in Latin.”
“This reminds me of Sonnet 30 by Shakespeare. Why didn't we savor this man's work back when The Great Reagan lived on Pennsylvania Avenue? These people are crying like Niobe.”
“The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.”
- Bill O'Reilly (Miller serves as Horatio to O'Reilly's Hamlet)
- John Steinbeck (captured life in the 1930s like Dali captured surrealism)
- Keith Olbermann (archnemesis, like Andrew Jackson was to John Calhoun)
- James Buchanan (biggest failure this side of James Polk)
- James Polk (biggest failure this side of James Buchanan)
- Fox News (employs Miller like the Roman Senate employed Publius)
- Socrates (about as knowledgable as Dennis Miller)
- Rant (that thing Miller does all the time on Fox News)
- Christopher Columbus (discovered America like record producers discovered The Eagles singing backup to Linda Rondstadt. Yes, Miller knows about music that doesn't involve lyres and mandolins.)
Well, that's my article, and I am outta here!