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“I wish I was a derivative so I could lay tangent to your curves”

~ Oscar Wilde on making math sound dirty

“How are supposed to derive a woman with a flat chest? The tangent line would have to be vertical; proving that flat woman are actually transvestites

The derivative is a WMD that consists of two 's, and two s, so that it takes the form:

Here, either or here can equal , , or it can equal . This, of course, can lead to certain issues when people are incapable of processing the fact that can be .


The Derivative was invented by the infamous scienterrorist Gottfried Leibniz, was initially designed to be tool for launching cannonballs from tall pillars of stone so that they could fall into orbit and obliterate those individuals on his enemies list. However, he failed to realize that there were no replicators with which he could procure such a large pillar, and that launching cannonballs usually requires a cannon. Due to this failed insight, Gottfried Leibniz, who was an illicit clone of the Gottfried Leibniz, was immediately burned at the steak, along with his theories.

However, in 1945, several space gorillas managed to find Gottfried Leibniz's derivative plans in an elephant graveyard. They were immediately taken to all major public school systems in the world, where it was able to assume the role of a WMD in a different context.

Recent History[edit]

Despite the rapid spreading of the derivative to teenagers worldwide, it did not have much of an effect on them, due to the lack of widespread interactive media and the television.

This all changed in recent years, after a temporal anomaly caused a sudden increase in the amount of computer technology, causing such horrors as Star Wars, the Internet, and Ronald Reagan. Due to the lack of unstimulation in the human brain caused by several of the above items, people could no longer handle the problems caused by widespread derivative usage.

As a result, affected teenagers and/or college students began to lose their minds, a most unfortunate consequence of their mathematical centers overheating and causing the rest of their brains to vaporize. Weakened and incapable of processing information, such people fall into drunken stupors and become only capable of eating, sleeping, and having sex. This would be much less of a problem if most teenagers were not already in drunken stupors and only wanted to eat, sleep and have sex anyway.

In finance, derivatives capitalized on what happens behind hedges. Derivatives are financial instruments with values that rise and fall on the changing values of other financial instruments, called the "underlying." Derivatives were first created by white Anglo-Saxon Protestant bankers in the early 1970s (the British claim full credit, of course, although the French claim to have invented banks), firm believers in the missionary position, where the underlying is the woman and the rising and falling depends on the underlying's position and the noise it makes (in the market). It was the introduction of other ethnicities into the world of financial trading that caused new contortions on the original pound on dollar currency swap. These newer financial contortions grew in variety and degree of imagination, and the newer ones became called "exotics." In their efforts to wrest control back, the WASPs created so-called "structured instruments." It was some "sub-prime" structured instruments that started the collapse of the world financial systems and the Greater Depression, which started in late 2007. The definitive reference on derivatives is "Shake and Bake: The Kama Sutra of the Financial Markets."

Relation to the Integral[edit]

The Integral, like the derivative, was designed to inflict pain upon its targets. However, while both exist today, only the derivative is capable of afflicting total cranial dispersion because it is usually presented first in mathematics courses nationwide. This is rather fortunate, as the Integral, in its modern form, is capable of causing sufficient heat build-up to cause all nearby objects to spontaneously burst into flames, resulting in a chain reaction that will cause several industrialized nations (especially the USA) to be instantly leveled. However, it is still capable of causing great headaches to those affected by the Derivative, similar in intensity and side-effects to the hangover.

Relation to the Coordinated Action to Liquefy the CULture of the United States[edit]

As implemented by Newton's ancestor, George bin-Bush, by distributing the Derivative, along with the Integral, to the next generation of slackers, arsonists, and rabid squirrel-eating hermits, the general citizenry of the United States becomes sufficiently intelligent only to be able to operate contraptions that are based off of a circular apparatus, pedals, and at most three levers. These affected people would immediately be enslaved by those not affected by the Derivative, either people with the intelligence of small rocks, or those with the incredible ability to devise significantly less efficient WMDs.

See Also[edit]