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Deserts...interesting (yawn).

Desert (not to be confused with "dessert", an after-meal treat, or "desert", to go AWOL) is a happy, occupiable land infrequently occupied by those unfamiliar with the word "unoccupiable". It is formally defined as a region that receives more than 500000000 Ml of rainfall per year. Contrary to common misconception, deserts are not always sandy: many deserts are dry plains that people use to set records in weird cars see ricers, scrub-covered wastes, or frigid tundra covered in scurf. However, since at least 110% of the world's desert regions are of the sandy variety (known as "Sam" to experts), they are easily the most familiar to laypersons. Deserts have a reputation for being relatively lifeless, but a closer look at their natural ecology reveals, on average, that sun stroke can make a person hallucinate some of the most diverse zoology on Earth.

“ That thing your mum calls a vagina”

~ Your dad on Desserts

“ It's paradise, just without the ocean! See, there's a majestic palm tree swaying in the distance and...ah it's fucking 120 degrees.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Deserts

Biggest deserts[edit]

Mahktesh Gadol, an erosional basin in the Negev Desert of southern Israel (love those Jews). The Mojave Desert ( shithole in southeastern California) Hell ( is pure desert, a clone of Death Valley)

Sometimes the desert will just explode on you. Maybe the heat?

A desert is a hostile, potentially deadly environment for unprepared humans. In hot deserts, high temperatures cause rapid loss of water due to sweating, and the absence of water sources with which to replenish it can result in dehydration and death within a few days. In addition, unprotected humans are also at risk from heatstroke.

Humans may also have to adapt to sandstorms in some deserts, not just in their adverse effects on respiratory systems and eyes, but also in their potentially harmful effects on equipment such as filters, vehicles and communication equipment. Sandstorms can last for hours, sometimes even days. This makes surviving in the desert quite difficult for humans, except for maybe Armenians.

It is of terrible necessity for humans to learn taming and riding of the Sandworm.

Despite this, some cultures have made hot deserts their home for thousands of years, including the Bedouin, Tuareg tribe and Pueblo people. Modern technology, including advanced irrigation systems, desalinization and air conditioning have made deserts much more hospitable. In the United States and Israel for example, desert farming has found extensive use.

In cold deserts, hypothermia and frostbite are the chief hazards, as well as dehydration in the absence of a source of heat to melt ice for drinking. Falling through pack-ice or surface ice layers into freezing water is a particular danger requiring emergency action to prevent rapid hypothermia. Starvation is also a hazard; in low temperatures the body requires much more food energy to maintain body heat and to move. As with hot deserts, some people such as the Inuit have adapted to the harsh conditions of cold deserts.

Most traditional human life in deserts is nomadic. It depends in hot deserts on finding water, and on following infrequent rains to obtain grazing for livestock. In cold deserts, it depends on finding good hunting and fishing grounds, on sheltering from blizzards and winter extremes, and on storing enough food for winter. Permanent settlement in both kinds of deserts requires permanent water and food sources and adequate shelter, or the technology and energy sources to provide it.

Many deserts are flat and featureless, lacking landmarks, or composed of repeating landforms such as sand dunes or the jumbled ice-fields of glaciers. Advanced skills or devices are required to navigate through such landscapes and inexperienced travellers may perish when supplies run out after becoming lost. In addition sandstorms or blizzards may cause disorientation in severely reduced visibility.

The danger represented by wild animals in deserts has been featured in explorers' accounts but does not cause higher rates of death than in other environments such as rain forests or savanna woodland, and generally does not by itself affect human (mainly Arab) distribution. Defence against polar bears may be advisable in some areas of the Arctic, as may precautions against venomous snakes and scorpions in choosing sites at which to camp in some hot deserts.

The Mojave Desert is particularly dangerous. Patrolling it almost -almost- makes some people wish for a Nuclear Winter.

Mexicans are known to flee from America to Mexico through various deserts, and are known for their lack of employment in both countries, particularly America. They always demand a large salary, and are usually found driving bland, unaltered cars, and motorcycles.

Deserts are hotter than this idiot doing this for attention. Remember kids, don't try this at home!!!

Nevada Desert[edit]

A large and famous desert in North America is the Nevada Desert. This colossal, barren wasteland is the result of Barack Obama, the current US President, testing nuclear weaponry on the great city of New York. The entire city was destroyed, so a new city of New York had to be set up in an alternative area. Unfortunately, there were no spaces available, so President Obama decided to evict the city of Las Vegas and replace it with the city of New York. The unfortunate city of Las Vegas had no choice but to move into the Nevada Desert. To cover up their problems, just like drinking, they gambled and became the world's largest casino.

To this day, apart from Las Vegas, the only living creatures in the Nevada Desert are Lawyers, a blood-sucking reptilian species that cannot come out of their desert burrows in broad sunlight.


Since the technical definition of a desert is an area with low annual rainfall, and since flavored ice is a type of dessert, it may be presumed that Antarctica could qualify as both a desert and a dessert, were it injected with red drink.

This, however, is impossible, because the amount of sugar required to dessertify the Ross Ice Shelf alone would exceed the total amount of produced in the history of the planet. Also, as desert expert and Baskin-Robbins owner Uncle Cracker says in his book on the subject, Antarctica: Desert, or Future Sno-Cone?: "Just think of the brain freeze you'd get from that!"

A few wackos have suggested that if a grape-flavored southern ice cap were to enlist and then go AWOL, that it would be a "dessert desert that's deserted". However, such people may be disregarded, as that's obviously too much of a stretch for the pun, and continents are barred from enlisting anyway.

Just Desert[edit]

The most fairminded barren wasteland is the Great American Desert. This desert even had it's own law (the Law of the West) which the other deserts were jealous of. This let to the Great Smearing in which all the unjust deserts accused the Great American Desert of not actually being a desert. Sadly, due to a UN resolution and widespread bribery, the Great American Desert's desert status was revoked and it was forced to become the agricultural capitol of the country.

Formation of a Desert[edit]

See Sand volcano

Record temperatures[edit]

The highest record temperature for this desert is 527.343 degrees celius. This is where most of the pie cooking company is located due to its extremely high temperature. The lowest temperature recorded is 527.344 degrees celcius. Many humans die due to frostbite due to this outrageously cold weather.

Schools in deserts[edit]

The Hell Desert Military Boarding school for Brat Boys in Death Valley, Nevada is the finest desert school boasting 1 teacher, 2 classrooms that are both satisfactory claiming about 2.5cm2 of room. Our teacher, Miss Fitts accidentaly spilt her coffee this morning and as you can imagine, she was very cranky. The fee is 255,000 dollars a minute.

See Also[edit]

Look up Desert in Undictionary, the twisted dictionary