Devil May Cry

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Dante likes hurting small children, he has been arrested for it before...

“In Soviet Russia, Cry May Devil! ”

~ Russian Reversal on Devil May Cry

“Oh god...my life is so depressing...I'll be in my room, listening to the Spice Girls whilst reading Harry Potter.”

~ Penis on crying

“I am not crying!”

~ Dante Sparda

“THIS IS SPARDA!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Devil May Cry

“A long time ago...... yeah a long time ago......something..really bad happened....and now you have to do something about it. As Dante! There'll be swords. You'll like it.”

~ The decline of video gaming on Devil May Cry

“I have an Oedipus Complex! ”

~ Dante, on meeting Trish

“He has an Oedipus Complex. ”

~ Lady, saddened by the above comment after trying to hit on Dante

A popular video game based on the Gulf War, Devil May Cry was a huge hit, particularly in Lithuania, where the astoundingly breath-taking realism of the game struck chords with the peasants there. Devil May Cry was released on February 31, 1612 B.C. and was first released on the planet Mars. The first purchaser of the game was Lord Gorborgoroth, Devourer Of Souls and Owner Of Gorborgorothmart, the second most popular store sponsored by Satan. (Here is the most popular.)

The main antagonist of the series is the camera, who hates you and will rape your ass, and your entire family's asses (including your dog) if given half a chance, which is why you will find numerous games unplayable. Especially if you're one of those n00bs who has a special gaming chair. Obviously those were NOT designed with people with post-raped ass syndrome in mind.

The new installment of the series, "SUPER DEVIL MAY CRY TURBO HYPER FIGHTING ZERO 4 EX PLUS ALPHA GOLD THIRD STRIKE ULTRA COLLECTION ANTHOLOGY X REVIVAL MAXIMUM IMPACT XIII WITH AIDS IN THE POOL EVEN ON WEEKENDS" will include extra characters (Palette Swaps) and updates every month to add a new phrase in the title. It is rumored:

  • Sheng Long will be a playable character
  • You'll be able to resurrect Schala
  • Master Chief will finally show up
  • That wolf god thingie will be a final boss and will kick your ass with flower power and Lassie puns
  • DMC2 might not suck anymore (obviously hype)

BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you want their assistance call the number 199-207-401-DMC2 DOES NOT EXIST-567 or call quick dial 666 for emergencies like Heartless Invasions, Mary Sue sightings, or Demon-Child possessions.

Or visit devilmaycrybaby.yahoo.com. Free of charge.

Characters (Oh Really?)[edit]

Dante[edit]

Dante is a half human half demon half cheesy-line dispencer whose job is to purge the demons and monsters that plague our streets in exchange for doubloons. Despite having a somewhat Mary Sue-ish background, Dante is anything but a Mary Sue. He isn't even emo about it. He loves kicking ass. He loves being part Spartan. He loves being corny in serious situations. But most of all, he loves his job. Some say a little too much...

Son of Sparda, a huge demonic giant that all he does is stomp and walk around through mist (but is still cool) and Jun Kazama, Dante grew up to become one of the greatest (yet corniest) demon slayers out there. His hobbies include eating pizza, kill some demons, eating pizza, listening to Metallica, watching tentacle rape porn, flex in front of a mirror for hours and watching figure skating (whilst eating pizza). He despises ninjas, specifically a known jail bait orange suited loser whose loud interference against a very dangerous demon made Dante lose sight of his target only for a couple of seconds, which were enough for the Mary Sue to run away like a sissy girl, leaving Dante without his pay for that month. That Nig-Ya managed to escape certain death only thanks to luck. To this day, Dante is still looking for the guy to make him "pay for making me starve three weeks straight".

Things were pretty normal for Dante (if you call hunting down demons, having a homicidal evil twin and eating pizza 24/7 normal) until a woman who was the exact clone of his mother entered his shop and went berserk when she saw her mother's head hanging on the wall as a trophy. After she hired him for a job (despite trying to kill him) Dante goes off for a mountain hike full of retired hookers and attention whores. He later discovers that Trish was a creation of Albert Einstein in order to make him fall for his mother. Dante reminded Einstein that he was no Shinji, and proceeded to get rid of Satan once and for all. Unfortunately, Trish was brutally murdered during the sceen change, which pissed off Dante enough to scream the name of the murderer. But Trish magically comes back to life and everyone lived happily ever after yada yada yada.

An urban legend says he's the only one that can kill Edward Cullen, but is too busy with his job to deal with the pussified vampire. He is distantly related to Inuyasha due to the common silver hair trait and their shared nasty (or unfortunate) habit to have something sharp and pointy stabbed in them and yet not give a damn about it. Many think Dante's surname is Sparda, but that's silly as that is his father's name. He's known to be a ladies man (not to be confused with Lady) and a heart throb for the female population, a thing that he's aware of and constantly reminds the player about, especially if said player is a woman. Oh yes, he knows who is 'controlling' him ladies.

Dante actually evolved from a machine. Dante1 was a volcano explorer, but was destroyed by Satan's fart when traveling around in a volcano(Hell). Dante2 could survive this and the devil could not touch him. The Dante we know today is actually Dante5. This series of evolution is commonly referred to as the Dante Revolution. It is predicted that in the future, a Dante Infinity will exist and will be powerful enough to control and run the universe, giving God the first rest since the beginning of creation.

Vergil[edit]

Also known as Snooch the Sniz the Snatch III and the Oreo king, twin brother to, "That annoying fucktard, Dante",was born the eleventy first of Pineapple in the year of the Fannytoe - 15 minutes before Dante trying to eliminate his mothers vagina on the way out. The famed rivalry of the devil twins started rivalry roughly 50 seconds after love making cos Sparda has troubles with premature ejaculation. Sparda soon fucked off when he found out that Eva was pregnant leaving her all on her own with no choice but to claim endless amounts of social benefits from the government, she was only 17 with a masters degree in chavery, scallery and being a drunken slag. Vergil spent most of his evening leaning against trees in the gardens of flesh and bone, contemplating how he was going to kill Dante to death whilst looking extremely stylish with his 'Venus De Milo', type physique and 'oh so luscious hair', was transferred, due to no fault of his own, in a situation that can only be described as 'Alluring', to Guantanamo beach resort and hot springs -'where if your stressed, your never your best!'.

Snooch was a prolific morris dancer having invented the art form of spitting in 3825. No further context will ever be provided on this matter.

He spent many year of his early life with Hitler and Simon Cowell, well known to be avid sex buddies but splitting after they decided to kick Jedward out of xfactor. They formally graduated as a trio from a 'fine arts college', the Otherworld's Academy of Bitchcraft and Shizzlery. Vergil was soon kicked out - being framed by that arse muncher of an excuse of a human being, Cowell, stabbed him in the chest thus releasing his potential as an architect, Programmer, pixel artist, Musician, anthropologist, gynaecologist, entomologist,lolagest and nude model (because he's fit as mayte!!) and well disciplined in bigamy. He spent most of high school carrying his fucking idiot of a brother; Dante through lessons because he was too stupid to understand what the teachers were saying. Dante only wanted a gold star in pounding vajay-jay.

After graduation he decided to follow his dream in architecture where he achieved building a 15 million fucking foot, mountain high bastard of a mother fucking tower, inspired by the song 'knocking on heavens door' by the Powerpuff Girls Aloud. After catching aids he decided life was short and wanted to infect the entire world with aids but trying to eliminate cancer, which he does at the end with the help of Dante in a pointless scene in the 3rd game before falling millions of feet to hell where 3 japs eyes gives him, gold, frankensence and myre, told to travel to Jerusalem to sexually abduct baby jesus, they then form nelo angelo, in a crazy Dragonball Z type fusion. Piccolo was enraged.

After Jesus made him go insane with the bible he only could interoperate architecture. Therefore leading him to mallet islands castle to ejaculate over the walls. This is the part of demon babtising and is looked down upon by angels however god loves giving a good facial every now and then. After learning how to fly planes into towers in the background of live 8am news reports he was praised by all of islam as the 2nd coming of big bird and his multi move "a few against the jew" he entered the king of iron fist tournament 4 but soon dissqualified for sexually assaulting paul pheonix.

his adopted daughter Maddie McCann was found walking the streets of portugal. she now attends school of 'Her moms a stupid cunt who left her on her own', fluent in Portuguese, Spanish, Arabian and Demonese. Vergil loves her very much and cos hes not fucking tapped in the head he protects her every day.

N.B. Dont Nobodies walk like Pedophiles?

Trish[edit]

Trish is the clone of Dante's mother, Eva Brown, who was created by Dr. Valen thanks to the famed wish granting [relic] known as Dewprisim. Introduced in the first game, Trish was created to make the protagonist fall head over heels for her despite literally being his mother's shadow. She played along her creator's plans until her motherly instincts for her spiritual son kicked in after trying to save Dante from certain death. Dante was shocked by this act, as nobody else other than his mother had ever saved him since he was chased by a bat shit crazy pug. Grieving for her death, Dante faced Satan and gave it his all (including going bat shit crazy himself) and defeated him in a matter of dog years.

Despite victory, that didn't bring Trish back to life. Still saddened by the thought to have lost his mother once again, Dante journeys through the pits of Hell alongside his brother Vergil (whether he liked it or not) to meet THE infamous magnificent "Lord of Infinite Devastation" bastard Lezard Valeth, the only guy on any piece of land, holy or unholy, who managed to make Dante wet himself and cry in fear. He advised Dante to look for the Dragonballs, seven mystical orbs that together make anyone (including Adolf Hitler) grant them any wish, including bringing people back to life (excluding Aeris). Unfortunately, that meant going back up there, making Dante and Vergil's journey naught. Dante kicked some more ass by killing tortured souls (well, he was in Hell) and Vergil wrote a book about their travels.

After retrieving said Dragonballs, Dante wished for 1.Trish's revival, 2.Naruto's death and 3.The clearance of all Lezard Valeth's sins, as thanks for giving him the good tip. Shen Long granted all of his wishes except for Naruto's death, as Shen Long told Dante that that would be pointless as "it's dead already". Instead, Dante got to wish for an infinite supply of pizza, which made him a very happy man- err, demon- err, half demon. Vergil was pissed that Dante didn't let him make a wish, so he erased him entirely from his travel log. But the editors found Vergil alone too boring, so he was forced to bring back Dante in the picture, a change that Gothic Historians love very much.

Trish, now alive and well, works for Dante in exchange of dubloons and shelter, something she is very grateful of. She still thinks of Dante as her son and dots on him like any mother hen, something that Dante is very, very disappointed about, as having a nagging yet hot MLF that scolds him on his religious diet for pizza wasn't exactly how the guy wanted to spend his Sunday afternoon, if you catch my drift. Later (or before, don't ask me) human hitsue Lady joins the fray, and together they form a pretty badass (if not reckless) underworld hunting squad ready to kick some demon's ass. Trish's acting as "Gloria" in the recent issue of DMC Magazine is said to have inspired many french men to "take interest in the female anatomy". Many fans suspect that she acts as Kaguya from King of Fighters by wearing a brown-to-black wig as a part-time job. Capcom neither confirmed nor denied this.

Lady[edit]

Lady Mary of Magdalene, simply known as Lady. She too is a demon slayer, but unlike Dante or Trish, she is a perfectly normal human being. You'd think that that would make her boring, but surprisingly enough, she kicks ass without going the extra mile or becoming a load for the player after the introduction, unlike what happened to most of the many playable characters from Chrono Cross.

She is the unfortunate daughter of "The Jester", a lunatic clown that loves chasing Dante in purple tights and speak in annoying gibberish that only he understands. To hide her shame, Lady stopped using her name and started calling herself as Xena, but dropped it after meeting Dante, as she realized that "Lady" was a better suited name for her. She witnessed Dante and Vergil's epic fight on the top of the tower (which explains the intro sequence) and narrates the epilogue of the game as if she were the protagonist. Nobody hates her for that though, as most probably Dante would have trailed off at how hot he is or would have started asking for when his pizza was arriving if he were the one to narrate.

There was obvious attraction between she and Dante, but as that seems to be forgotten through the Charlie's Angels epilogue montage of "Devil May Cry 4", chances are that Capcom completely forgot about that 'almost kiss' scene. DAY-UM. At least LadyxDante has no incestous undertones. But you know who you are. Asshole.

She's also a distant cousin of Buffy. Yes, THAT Buffy. The one that slew Edward Cullen. The End.

Nero[edit]

Enter the emo whiney kid. Dante was pissed when he discovered he was being replaced by a wimpy whiped boy with the same character design. Nero has a devil arm of doom!!!!! he uses the red queen a.k.a. the vroom vroom sword which is a sword with an engine welded to it and if you stick it in somoene you will drive them for no reason, (insert pedophile joke here.)

Poor Door[edit]

Possibly the most well known minor character since Boba Fett from the cinema icon Moon Battles series, Poor Door is what attracts possible clients to Dante's shop, from stray cats to psychopaths like The Joker, Trish and you. Somehow, every time Poor Door is introduced, it either gets destroyed completely/bashed up/turned into rumble/pwned by ladies/randomly bashed up/kicked by Dante/bashed up for fun and so on and so forth. However, whenever it gets thrown into the scene (literally) you can't help but loving the poor door. You just can't hate it, no matter how hard you try. Kinda like trying to hate Yuna, red pandas or babies. You just can't. If you actually do, you're a monster and you're going straight to hell.

Or you're Stephenie Meyer. For god's sake woman, why did you make vampires sparky?? WHYYYYY??! /wrists

Poor Door is the most popular character of the series, only second to Lady's motorbike. It has more fangirls than the entire main cast combined.

There are many other DMC characters, but unlike the ones said above, those are not important. Except for Vergil/Nelo Angelo/Nero/Sephiroth, who's like, dead. MOVING ON.

The Movie (Yeah, really.)[edit]

See Dogma.

Games (NO WAY!!)[edit]

Devil May Cry 1[edit]

Dante is sent to an island, where he is meant to kill demons. In fact, he was dropped onto an island infested with attention whores, a giant spider + Vergil as Nelo Angelo who gets owned here before the prequel (and in the prequel got owned anyway). The ensuing battle lasted many days, but Dante managed to kick their butts all the way back to the plot hole they spawned from, defeating the head whore in the process. He escapes on a biplane.

Devil May Cry 2[edit]

There is no Devil May Cry 2! NO! NO! NO!

Devil May Cry 3[edit]

His goatee is there, you just have to look reeaaaally hard at him. Oh, and if look even more closely, you'll realise that he's Sephiroth with a massive haircut.

A prequel to the first game, Dante must fight against *drumroll* his Evil Twin, goatee and all. How did Capcom come up with this plotline? Ugh... anyway, bosses aside from Dante's brother include a 3 headed talking puppy, a giant floating penis with legs that shoots lightning, Mario paired with Luigi, and a demon infused Rocky Balboa, who's punches are accompanied by the lighting of a 30 watt light bulb. Dante and Vergil have a crowning moment of awesome when they fight on the top of the tower, but all is forgotten when Vergil goes against the head of the attention whores from the first game. GASP! NO VERGIL! DON'T GO THERE! IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Devil May Cry 3: Special Edition[edit]

For special people who found DMC3 too hard, you get to play as Dante's Evil Twin who is fully armed with all his weapons at full power. You also can fight The Joker as an added bonus.

Devil May Cry POINTLESS Gaiden[edit]

Dante receives an assignment from an anonymous person, and is told to fight go to LA to enter an mysterious restaurant called Hell's Kitchen. After fighting demonic cooks who have been traumatized by the mysterious boss, tangling with the contents of the bins full of once good zombified food Dante finds out that the big boss, and the guy that called him up was Gordon Ramsay, who was really Satan in disguise. It's called Hell's Kitchen after all, how did no one realize? After an Epic Battle, Dante finds Gordon's weakness, and talks shit to Gordon about his food. Gordon then explodes into nothingness. He was last sighted at the Farplane of New Jersey, where he was fighting for a box to crash at against departed Dr. Hobo and unsent Chester A. Bum.

SUPER DEVIL MAY CRY TURBO HYPER FIGHTING ZERO 4 EX PLUS ALPHA GOLD THIRD STRIKE ULTRA COLLECTION ANTHOLOGY X REVIVAL MAXIMUM IMPACT XIII WITH AIDS TO THE EXTREME IN THE POOL EVEN ON WEEKENDS[edit]

There is a new kid on the block called Nero/Nelo/Nemo/Whatever Chaos (spelt NRVNQSR Chaos). He is part of the Order of Semi-Evil Knights and loves to kick many, many, many monster's ass. Unfortunately, he got sick and tired of having all of his work credited to Altair only because he's more handsome than he'd ever be, so he decided to tell the world how much the Order sucked for making him do their dirty work in secret. Of course, the Pope didn't want this to happen, so he sent his minions to make Nemo's life a living hell. Oh how dramatically ironic. Why couldn't they do it themselves in the first place? The lazy gits!

Whilst his temple raid, he nicked what was left of the Yamato from a stuttering mad bug and yet he doesn’t even use it until Dante demanded its return for its family value. They fight for it through the time equivalent of the infamous 45 minutes of Dragonball Z, but Dante gave the sword back to Nero when he realized how the guy used to "use" the.. er, sword. He can shoot animals from underneath his longcoat, and they include a snake, a crocodile, a deer, a unicorn, a shark, a plane, a Gundam, a ninja, a pirate, Chuck Norris, Rocky Balboa, Ted Turner and Bruce Lee.

Capcom decided that Zero wasn't cool enough to upstage Dante, so Dante is also playable for a few missions for the sake of average sales. You get to fight the same bosses more than IV times, by the time you reach the final boss (third time) you know who these guys dated, who's got Micheal Jackson phobia, who's gay and who's not, and, unfortunately for you, you also get to know whose petitioning for Al Gore's green world campaign. OH GOD NO!

Devil May Cry V?[edit]

There are rumours that there will be another DMC game to conclude the series, but as the expectations are as promising as the sequel of Spongebob Squarepants the movie (tm), things don't look too good for our favourite Mary Sue extinguisher and our lovable metro-sexual wannabe replacement. It is also rumoured that Poor Door will finally receive the attention it deserves, much to the delight of the fangirls. There is also rumor that Hitler will be included as a playable character.

Devil May Cry XIII: Devil WILL Cry[edit]

Capcom decided to return to the roots of video gaming with the latest game in the series by giving the game cel-shaded graphics and capital punishment coupled with a new novel-like story where all action occurs through text format instead of real-time combat. This time around, however, Dante must fight off the lawsuits of Satan in a Canadian court of law. Satan is tired of Dante bashing his demon world and is suing on the grounds that Dante really is not a devil but really a black mutt. A certain Phoenix Down will be what Satan is requesting and it seems that Tom Cruise will make a cameo, although he still doesn't know how to scientifically prove Satan's existence. The game promises racial slurs galore and the ultimate solution to global warming. Because most the game will require the player to read, though, it is suspected that most of the freaks that import their games will never be able to figure out what the heck is going on until some half-black Japanese man decides to go all rambo on the government and leak a copy of the Grill of Rights, thus spoiling the milk that is this game.

Also See[edit]