Diane Sawyer

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Diane "Liver Lips" Sawyer, born Alfred E. Numen III, is an American television host and president of TASFABE (The American Society for the Fine Arts of Baby Eating) and the Secretary of the Treasury for the Dildo Enthusiast Society, where she has been known to numerously volunteer to make molds.

In 1967, she won the Democratic National Seat for the President of the Moon, but ended up losing to The King of Toast. The King of Toast still rules the Moon, along with Err and Ignignokt, where there are fields of Moonijuana.

Diane can often be found lounging around garden parties sucking on a cold baby and drinking a Budweiser while she does it, along with such friends as Britney Spears, Captain Haddock, The Noyd and Master Shake. Meatwad, too, but he died of cancer back in '05. I think.

Early Life

Early Film Acting

Bid for the President of the Moon

Loosing the Presidency

Spiraling Life and Loss of Career

Gender Change

Cannibalism

The Death Star

Sex Romps

Recently


Early Life

Diane was born Alfred E. Numen III in Wichita, Kansas to Betty Crocker and Doctor Alfred "Wrigley" E. Numen II on June 6th, 2006 Diane's childhood was well off, as it's father had created the Wrigley's Gum Corporation alone with Swiss Cheese in a Can, although this last invention did not go as well as the first. Growing up, she often questioned her sexuality, often dressing up as a dude and hanging around gay bars. Urban Legend states that she was really the person who played that one dude/ette in The Crying Game, although it isn't listed in the credits. Trust me, I've looked. Urban Legend also states that if you lick your elbow, you become a chick! Dude! That would blow! That would suck and blow!! Duuuuude, have you ever been to UrbanDictionary.com? Man, you know what mung is? Oh god, it makes me puck, in a strangely aroused way....

Early Film Acting

Diane stared such silent films as Saving Ryan's Privates (1927), Flapper It's (1924) and Deep Throat (1807), just to name a few. Later in life, she became a spokes person for ABC News At Night, wherein she would try and fit as many nuts in her mouth as was possible. No, you sick fucks! Nuts as in peanuts. Gawd, you have a filthy mind-ah!!!!!1!!!1!!111!1!!!1!??!11!!1!!!LL!lL1!!!! This is not, however, concerning her sex romp tapes at all :).

Bid for the President of the Moon

Yep; she won the Democratic bid for the President of the Moon. And guys what? She-

Loosing the Presidency

As I was saying, she lost the presidency to the Toast King and the Mooninites. Oh jeh, homey; oh jeh.

Spiraling Life and Loss of Career

After losing the presidency, his life began to spiral out of control. She was known to go into horrible fits of rage, often shaving her head, dropping her baby, and breaking out car windows. Oh, and killing war veterans; don't forget the vets. As it's life began to, like, I dunno', spiral? out of control, he needed a Career Transplant, and how! Calling her friend Dr. Strangelove, he had an arosol can of Tolnaftate sprayed up his ass, and was giving a prescription of kitten huffing for the next two weeks. Hot damn, lucky! I heard the orange ones fuck you up real good.

Gender Change

After huffing kittens for to long (orange ones, I wager), she somehow stumbled into a back alleyway, and had his 'parts' removed, emerging a woman, I think. But something went wrong; they accidentally sewed a vagina (or ax wound) to her forehead...which, in retrospect, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Having to remove the vagina-spoiled face, they did a quick horse face transplant, and replaced her lips with a pig liver. Why with the liver? Because they could. A little fact about this is that no one noticed in the least bit when she emerged.

Cannibalism

Remember when you were in 9th grade health class, and they kept telling you that kittens were a gateway drug? Well, they were not shitting you that time!! Babies are the ultimate psychedelic, as they have all the properties of kittens (TLC and ABC) but also have the properties that all unspoiled babies have, DMT and TNT. But, as they are expensive, they are only used by Tony Montana and me. Oh yeah, I be the baby huffer.

The Death Star

On November 17th, 20089, Diane was one of the young punks who attacked and blew up the Death Star, putting Darth Vader in a whole lot of debt. And shit. Lots and lots of shit. They mainly did this because Luke was pissed at his dad for making him stay home on a Friday night because he has a D+ in Algebra. A D+!! That's still a passing grade! And he had that entire fuckin' night planned out! What a square his dad is. I can see now why he told him 'you're not my father!' over and over, then jumped. Darth totally deserved that.

Sex Romps

Okay, what we got left? Sex Romps? Oh yeah; she has been known to film herself fucking/getting fucked by beavers. Over and over and over and over and over and over again. Then once over. Mmm...that's one lucky beaver. It's probably the 1337 beaver of doom, cousin of the walrus of doom. I dunno'. I'm tired. I need food.

Recently

Go away! I need to cry a little.