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Elrond Hubbard's book about Mr. Volcano and his little friend Xenu, spurred the religion of Scientology.

Dianetics is a huge volcano located in the heart of Mordor. According to it, opposites are inseparable and thus form a unity. The volcano was originally an eye exploding off the top of a pyramid, amazed at the gayness that ensued.

The story subsequently came into use as part of a common SF convention party game and is popularly known as "the worst science fiction story ever written".


Dianetics came in to being at the dawn of Middle Earth. It was propounded by German philosopher GWF Hegel, although it is arguably the creation of ancient Chinese philosopher Loud Soup. Liquid hot magma oozes constantly from it (often receiving a NC-17 rating due to sexual content). It was on this volcano that Sauron forged the One Ring from Elton John's Sphincter, and changed Middle Earth forever.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Dianetics.

Elrond Hubbard, with his army of Elves, joined together with the armies of Men, and Smurfs, fought Sauron, eventually cutting off his middle finger when he flipped the bird at them. Elrond, looking up at the hideous mountain, decided to write a book about it.

This book became the basis for the religion of Scientology, a religion followed by scientists. In its pages are passages regarding the geology of Mt. Dianetics, as well as the chemical processes that keep it erupting constantly.

It also refers to people who suffer from dianetes which is the unfortunate disease of anyone who has spent time with anyone from the Cult of Scientology.

How to[edit]

This guide accurately explains how to Dianetics in the comfort of your own home. Please be advised any brainwashing or belief in Xenu is merely a coincidence.

1) The Phishing Have you a garbage bin? If yes then do the following, If no then you have no ability to Dianetics D: Once located your garbage bin, open and obtain all of your empty tins of baked beans for the E-Meater. You need ONE(1) Per E-Meater. This in effect is known as Phishing.

2) The E-Meater Connect the descibed materials to your microwave and proceed to apply with any necessary force. This force can involve hammers.

3) The Auditing To Audit you need TWO(2) people. One is called the brain-washer (or auditor) and the other the victim (or Moron). Once you have kidnapped the victim by using necessary chloroform you will need only one more thing, Rope! There is a saying in Scientology "Too much rope is for pissants who deserve to be shot". Apply Rope to sleeping victim and proceed to wake with safety pins. This will arouse the Victim to a level of 2.

4) The Thetans Thetans are you(Victim) and me. Effectively the concept is similar to the ending movie of Neon Genesis Evangellion. You need to force the Thetans out of the peehole or urethra as this is it's only exit. Punching the bladder sometimes works but the method we will discuss today is reminding the Victim of Dead. Say this: "Remember everyone how had died in your life? This will be you". Continue this until the Victim smiles and is happy. Once this happens stab the Victim with the safety pin/s and recite "This didn't happen!!"

5) The bait and switch By now (2 weeks) the Victim is a scientologist and is on some plane to assist Haiti survivors by punching their backs. Scientology wins again!


Dianecticists believe that opposites are inseparable. High engenders low. Wide engenders narrow. However, opposites are also indistinguishable from one another. Thus they form a unity. This knowledge is also shared by Time Cube.

The Impact[edit]


It is hard to say what the impact of Dianetics is. All that is known is that the great leader of men, John Travolta, has studied this book and become a scientist himself, forever changing the cast of Welcome Back, Kotter.

Dianectical Materialism[edit]

German revolutionary Groucho Marx used Dianetics to flesh out the master-slave dianetic and create a communist revolution.

Follow-on Work[edit]

Later thinkers developed an antidote to the volcano theory, publishing their work in a large tome, Diuretics. The principal tenet of the later theory was that a sufficient quantity of urine, expelled simultaneously from several billion alcoholics clustered around the volcano, could create an amount of steam sufficient to blind the great Xenu and prevent him from exploding his hydrogen bombs. That the several billion passengers on the Great Interstellar DC-10 would be alcoholics long before they ever reached the volcano has never been in dispute by serious scholars, but Elrond has preferred to remain dry. Why this theory does not mention the Zorange, an 8-ft. cockroach that rhymes with orange and stalks in the night, is unclear.

Followers of the DIYnetics have not done it themselves yet, and are as such considered virgins within the limits of Thetanology. But in the year 2525, they will reinvent Dianetics, renaming it Dildotronics which will coincide with J K Rowling releasing the 69th Harry Potter book "Dildotronics and the art of the Rampant Rabbit Vibrator.

See also:[edit]

Tomcruiseanimated.gif This article forms part of the series on Scientology
Beliefs Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous
Concepts The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)
Practices Kitten Huffing
People L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy
Enemies You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous