Digital Television

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Digital Television.

Digital Television was first proposed in 1978 as a means of reducing the quality of PAL SECAM television signals to rival the appalling quality of the NTSC system used in the United States. At the time, it was assumed that mere digital technology would give way to the posited 'trigital' system, until it was realised that 'trigital' wouldn't actually work.

American physicist Simon Anstis discovered the disparity between European and American tv systems during a trip scriptwriting 'National Lampoon's European Vacation' in 1976. He wrote in his diary:

"Upon turning on my hotel television, I discover the Europeans have compensated for their lack of music television and 'The Price is Right' by actually having a watchable picture. I do not feel the nausea normally associated with watching television at home. It seems there may be more than six-and-a-half lines of data on these European sets."

Utilising the distinctly american logic, Anstis began work immediately on a system to downgrade European systems rather than upgrade the american system.


In NTSC sets, trained monkeys are given bananas if they can seriously deteriorate the quality of video signals, often by applying huge electromagnets to broadcast dishes, or by routing transfer cable through holes cut in microwave ovens. In recent years, a new technique, of cutting transmission cables and running them in parallel through a plate of brine jelly, has deteriorated the signal to a tremendous degree; NTSC technology can finally be said to have come of age.

PAL Secam works by passing a modulated signal through an all-conductive system, not using any plastic cable-ends, and not requiring the signal to be subjected to massive deliberate interference. In addition, excess voltages are not applied to any part of the system, and it is not necessary to route a PAL Secam signal through the vault of angry monkeys or electron bombardment which gives NTSC its particular quality. In essence, Digital television is the application of new semiconductor technologies to the task of destroying a perfectly good video signal.

Unfortunately, Dr. Anstis gave up physics to make Chevy Chase films. His work in downgrading video signals therefore continues.


The latest technology on the market for the downgrading of video signals is the OK-2005 videoprocessor, from Okinarishi Industries. This processor is one of the most effective blitting processors ever produced, and is based on the NVidia NV-54 chip. It supercedes the OK-2000 chip, which was actually a blob of lemon curd inside a piece of plastic, soldered on where the video chip should be in a receiver system, based on the Brine Jelly model. The OK-2005 is capable of making the NASDAQ sign in New York entirely illegible, and transferring an actual High Definition signal of a static goldfish to look like the opening credits of 'Everybody Loves Raymond'. All these calculations may be done on the fly.

Types of Digital Television[edit]

There are several types of Digital Television:

DVB: Digital Video (Bad) is the best quality possible with the system, and the parent format. Each frame is reduced from an HDTV stream to 100x80 pixels, then has a special 'add noise' filter, before being broadcast within a tiny waveband to the thirteen set-top boxes which receive the signal in Europe. This can be done at more than 1,000 frames per second. The effect is similar to watching a television through a waterfall, but with less likelihood of electrocution.

DVBS: Digital Video Bad (Satellite) is broadcast at 9048x6056 pixel resolution, through geo-synchronous orbit satellites, then beamed in ultra-wide band to set-top boxes, where the OK-2005 chip downgrades the signal to appear as if broadcast from the underworld, possibly by ghosts.

DVBT: Digital Video Bad (Terrible) is designed to be received (more properly 'misreceived') by standard UHF aerials. Its broadcast format takes account of the breadth of waveband frequency it occupies (109.93632MHz - 109.936325Mhz) and the need for a synchronous channel for malfunctioning sets to contact search and rescue services.

DVBOMFG: Digital Video Bad (Oh My Fucking God) is DVBT with a synchronous Chatzilla client, with an automatic [email protected] translator for all detected subtitles on screen.

DVBHD: Digital Video Bad (High Definition) is used to turn all sports broadcasts into Tron or Pong displays.

DVBTITS: Digital Video Bad (TITS) superimposes tits onto any character in the foreground.