Dihydrogen monoxide

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is a deadly colorless and odorless chemical compound, also known as Dihydrogen Oxide, Hydrogen Hydroxide, Hydronium Hydroxide, Oxidane, Oxic Acid(not common), or simply Hydroxic acid. It is extremely harmful to people due to its suffocating effect in human lungs and has been known to kill thousands of people yearly. Its chemical basis is the unstable radical Hydroxide, the components of which are found in a number of caustic, explosive and poisonous compounds such as Sulfuric Acid, Nitroglycerine and Ethyl Alcohol. In addition, it contains Hydrogen, a substance well known for causing the Hindenburg to explode.

For more detailed information, including precautions, disposal procedures and storage requirements, refer to the Material Safety Data Sheet (MSDS) for Dihydrogen Monoxide.

The liquid flowing from this tap is composed largely of dihydrogen monoxide. Any macroscopic quantity is enough to cause neural damage due to lack of oxygen reaching the brain.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dihydrogen monoxide.

Should I be concerned about Dihydrogen Monoxide?[edit]

Yes, you should be concerned about DHMO! Although the U.S. Government and the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) do not classify Dihydrogen Monoxide as a toxic or carcinogenic substance (as it does with better known chemicals such as hydrochloric acid and saccharine), DHMO is a constituent of many known toxic substances, diseases and disease-causing agents, environmental hazards and can even be lethal to humans in quantities as small as a thimbleful. What is more, it has been discovered that DHMO is frequently extracted from, and is a major component of, many undesirable substances, such as sewage and urea.

Research conducted by award-winning U.S. scientist Nathan Zohner concluded that roughly 86.6474 percent of the U.S. population supports a ban on dihydrogen monoxide. Although his results are preliminary, Zohner believes people need to pay closer attention to the information presented to them regarding Dihydrogen Monoxide. He adds that if more people knew the truth about DHMO then studies like the one he conducted would not be necessary.

A similar study conducted by U.S. researchers Patrick K. McCluskey and Matthew Kulick also found that nearly 90.979 percent of U.S. citizens participating in their study were willing to sign a petition to support an outright ban on the use of Dihydrogen Monoxide in the United States.

United States Intelligence suggested prior to the second Iraq war that Saddam Hussein was harboring DHMO, and planning to poison a portion of Iraqi citizens via the river. These claims were later proved false, when several American troops sent to find DHMO in the desert came back both empty-handed and nearly dead from dehydration. It was later determined by the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) that DHMO is extremely unstable in deserts and other arid environments. Although the troops did not find anything, it is expected that both Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden used the dihydrogen monoxide to kill innocent Jews, babies, and even adorable puppies. Research has shown that dihydrogen monoxide can be used to create a certain "high" feeling when ingested while combined with a ground cannabis plant. CIA reports that both Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were under the influence of DHMO when they created the plans to attack the world trade center as DHMO causes a hallucinogenic "high" that is similar to the DMT drug.

Why haven't I heard about Dihydrogen Monoxide before?[edit]

Good question. Historically, the dangers of DHMO, for the most part, have been considered minor and manageable. While the more significant dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide are currently addressed by a number of agencies including the FDA, FEMA and CDC, public awareness of the real and daily dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide is lower than some think it should be.

Critics of government often cite the fact that many politicians and others in public office do not consider Dihydrogen Monoxide to be a "politically beneficial" cause to get behind, and so the public suffers from a lack of reliable information on just what DHMO is and why they should be concerned.

Part of the blame lies with the public and society at large. Many do not take the time to understand Dihydrogen Monoxide, and what it means to their lives and the lives of their families.

Unfortunately, the dangers of DHMO have increased as world population has increased, a fact that the raw numbers and careful research both bear out. In the past century alone, millions of gallons of liquid DHMO have poured into the ocean due to global warming. As ice caps melt, the DHMO that is locked away inside of them is slowly released and contaminates the world's oceans. Now more than ever, it is important to be aware of just what the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide are and how we can all reduce the risks faced by ourselves and our families.

What are some of the dangers associated with DHMO?[edit]

Each year, Dihydrogen Monoxide is a known causative component in many thousands of deaths and is a major contributor to millions upon millions of dollars in damage to property and the environment. Some of the known perils of Dihydrogen Monoxide are:

  • A slow and painful death due to accidental inhalation of DHMO in liquid form, even in small quantities.
  • Prolonged exposure to solid DHMO causes severe tissue damage.
  • Excessive ingestion produces a number of unpleasant side-effects and consumption of beyond a certain point can cause fatal cellular osmotic shift.
  • DHMO is an acid that can dissolve metals, salts, and even human skin.
  • A component of DHMO is Protium Hydroxide.
  • Also known as hydroxyl acid, DHMO is a major component of acid rain.
  • Promotes proliferation of malaria-transmitting species.
  • Gaseous DHMO can cause severe burns.
  • In crystallized form and in large quantities, a major factor in incidents of temporary to permanent blindness.
  • Contributes to soil erosion.
  • A main component in serious flash floods, blizzards, and tornados.
  • DHMO exposure often associated with severe nipple swelling
  • Leads to corrosion and oxidation of many metals.
  • Contamination of electrical systems often causes short-circuits.
  • Exposure decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes.
  • Found in biopsies of pre-cancerous and cancerous tumors and lesions.
  • A somewhat greater occurrence of shark attacks in its presence than in its absence.
  • Often associated with killer cyclones in the U.S. Midwest and elsewhere.
  • Thermal variations in DHMO are a suspected contributor to the El Ni??o weather effect.
  • A component in the bodily fluids of rapists.
  • Deduced to have played a role in incidents of dam failure.
  • DHMO is a large factor in tropical cyclones, which annually cause millions of dollars in damages, including the recently destroyed and wiped-off-the-face-of-the-earth city of New Orleans.
  • Creates greater frequency in perspiration and urination.
  • DHMO that has seeped into the ground is a major component in earthquakes today.
  • The consumption of DHMO can immediately lead to a terrible dependence. Long-term, the addicts did all pass away, but no addict has ever managed to get out of dependence.
  • A shocking fact(mind you, this is REAL!) is that dihydrogen monoxide has a 100% fatality rate. Everyone who has died did so within 24 hours of drinking it.

What are some uses of Dihydrogen Monoxide?[edit]

Despite the known dangers of DHMO, it continues to be used daily by industry, government, and even in private homes across the U.S. and worldwide. Some of the well-known uses of Dihydrogen Monoxide are:

  • in nuclear power plants,
  • by the U.S. Navy in the propulsion systems of some older vessels,
  • by the CIA for assassination, using a slow and painful death
  • by elite athletes to improve performance,
  • in the production of Styrofoam,
  • in biological and chemical weapons manufacture,
  • as a spray-on fire suppressant and retardant,
  • in abortion clinics,
  • as a major ingredient in many home-brewed bombs,
  • as a byproduct of hydrocarbon combustion in furnaces and air conditioning compressor operation,
  • in cult rituals,
  • by the Church of Scientology on their members and their members' families (although surprisingly, many members recently have contacted DHMO.org to vehemently deny such use),
  • by heroin addicts who often mix DHMO with heroin prior to injecting,
  • by the Serbian military as authorized by Slobodan Milo??evi?? in their ethnic cleansing campaign,
  • by many terrorist organizations,
  • in community swimming pools to maintain chemical balance,
  • by software engineers, including those producing DICOM software SDKs,
  • as a additive in homeopathic medicine,
  • in animal research laboratories, and
  • in pesticide production and distribution.
  • by the US military in the torture of suspected terrorists.
  • by transportation companies, which find it economical to use containers on top of a dihydrogen monoxide and sodium chloride solution to transport goods, although purer dihydrogen monoxide has also been used.

Dihydrogen Monoxide can cause unwanted temporary weight gain. Withdrawal of consumption for as little as three days has been known to cause effective weight loss results.

What you may find surprising are some of the products and places where DHMO is used, but which for one reason or another, are not normally made part of public presentations on the dangers to the lives of our family members and friends. Among these startling uses are:

This is one of the many ways in which dihydrogen monoxide is innocuously packaged
  • as an additive to food products, including jarred baby food and baby formula, and even in many soups, carbonated beverages and supposedly "all-natural" fruit juices
  • in cough medicines and other liquid pharmaceuticals,
  • in spray-on oven cleaners,
  • in shampoos, shaving creams, deodorants and numerous other bathroom products,
  • in tap water in most homes.
  • in outdoor rivers and lakes.
  • commonly found in water supplies.
  • in bathtub bubble products marketed to children,
  • as a preservative in grocery store fresh produce sections,
  • in the production of beer by all the major beer distributors,
  • inside air fresheners,
  • in the coffee available at major coffee houses in the US and abroad,
  • in Formula One race cars, although its use is regulated by the Formula One Racing Commission, and
  • as a target of ongoing NASA planetary and stellar research.

One of the most surprising facts recently revealed about Dihydrogen Monoxide contamination is in its use as a food and produce "decontaminant". Studies have shown that even after careful washing, food and produce that has been contaminated by DHMO remains tainted by DHMO.

New archaeological evidence has shown that DHMO was responsible for the sinking of the Titanic.

Dihydrogen Monoxide Addiction[edit]

Dihydrogen Monoxide is highly physically addictive, second only to diatomic oxygen. It is believed that a large percentage of people are addicted to DHMO and don't even know it. In fact, some people are so addicted that they will build large reservoirs of it, fill it with DHMO (likely spiked with Dichloride, a deadly gas), and cavort in it. Animals have been observed to engage in similar behavior.

Withdrawal symptoms include weight loss, dry mouth, thirst, a shrinking of the soft tissues, lowered red blood cell production, dementia and finally death within days for 100% of all who have attempted to quit their horrible addiction. In addition, DHMO is made of some atoms that have been used to manufacture poisons, some of which are now banned from all usage.

Addicts to this industrial solvent often carry legally-obtained single "hit" containers of the substance. These containers are sold by dihydrogen monoxide pushers for up to 1000 times the cost of production of the raw industrial molecule.

What is the link between Dihydrogen Monoxide and school violence?[edit]

A recent stunning revelation is that in every single instance of violence in our country's schools, including infamous shootings in high schools in Denver and Arkansas, Dihydrogen Monoxide was involved. In fact, DHMO is often very available to students of all ages within the assumed safe confines of school buildings. None of the school administrators with which we spoke could say for certain how much of the substance is in use within their very hallways.

How does Dihydrogen Monoxide toxicity affect kidney dialysis patients?[edit]

Unfortunately, DHMO overdose is not unheard of in patients undergoing dialysis treatments for kidney failure. Dihydrogen Monoxide overdose in these patients can result in congestive heart failure, pulmonary edema and hypertension. In spite of the danger of accidental overdose and the inherent toxicity of DHMO in large quantities for this group, there is a portion of the dialysis treated population that continues to use DHMO on a regular basis.

Are there groups that oppose a ban on Dihydrogen Monoxide?[edit]

Some believe that the hazards of DHMO have been exaggerated, and that its benefits far outweigh the risks.

Many researchers worldwide have independently demonstrated DHMO to be an effective fertilizer. However, scientists have been unable to determine for sure if produce grown in the presence of and containing DHMO is any more dangerous than DHMO-free produce, as growing it is dangerous and cost-prohibitive with current technology. However, the scientific community generally agrees that substituting DHMO for chemical alternatives such as deuterium oxide poses too great of a health risk.

Members of the California-based organization The Friends of Hydrogen Hydroxide claim that hydrogen hydroxide (which they believe is a less emotionally charged and more chemically accurate term for DHMO) is beneficial, environmentally safe, benign and naturally occurring. They argue that efforts to ban DHMO are misguided. Friends of Hydrogen Hydroxide is supported by the Scorched Earth Party, a radical and loosely-organized California-based group. Sources close to the Scorched Earth Party deny any outside funding from government, industry or pro-industry PACs.

Destructive cults have been known to conduct the hazardous ritual of immersion of people in dihydrogen monoxide. For cult followers, this is supposed to be a step on the way to heaven.

Has the press ignored this web site and the Dihydrogen Monoxide problem?[edit]

For the most part, the press has not reported on the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide as much as some would like. Although many private individuals have put up web sites in a major grassroots effort to spread the word, major publications have not.

Recently, attention has been paid to the subject thanks to an incident in Aliso Viejo, California. This so-called Aliso Viejo Incident was widely reported in the media, although the director of DHMO.org, Dr. Tom Way, was called a "prankster". Once the Associated Press started circulating the story, it became fact, and the valuable information being provided by the DHMO.org website was deemed to be "rubbish" rather than an honest and unbiased recounting of facts about a dangerous, life-endangering chemical compound.

Is it true that using DHMO improves athletic performance?[edit]

Absolutely! With the numerous allegations of amateur and professional athletes using anabolic steroids and/or blood doping to enhance performance, virtually no attention has been paid to the performance enhancing properties of Dihydrogen Monoxide. It is perhaps the sporting world's dirtiest of dirty little secrets that athletes regularly ingest large quantities of DHMO in an effort to gain a competitive edge over an opponent.

One technique commonly used by endurance athletes in sports such as distance running and cycling is to take a large amount of DHMO immediately prior to a race. This is known within racing circles to dramatically improve performance.

Sports-medicine physicians warn that ingesting too much Dihydrogen Monoxide can lead to complications and unwanted side-effects, but do acknowledge the link to improved performance. DHMO is not currently considered a banned substance, so post-race urine tests do not detect elevated or abnormal levels of DHMO.

Can using Dihydrogen Monoxide improve my sex life?[edit]

This is a popular myth, but one which is also actually supported by a number of scientific facts. Dihydrogen Monoxide plays an instrumental role in the centers of the brain associated with increased ego and orgasm. So, much as with endurance athletes, moderate intake of DHMO prior to engaging in sexual activity may enhance performance, although the same caveats apply. Also DHMO base lubricants are available for sexual activates.

What are the symptoms of accidental Dihydrogen Monoxide overdose?[edit]

You may not always recognize that you have been a victim of accidental DHMO overdose, so here are some signs and symptoms to look for. If you suspect Dihydrogen Monoxide overdose, or if you exhibit any of these symptoms, you should consult with your physician or medical practitioner. The data presented here is provided for informational purposes only, and should in no way be construed as medical advice of any sort.

Excessive exposure to dihydrogen monoxide has been known to slightly alter the appearance of those who use it.

Watch for these symptoms:

  • Excessive sweating
  • Excessive urination
  • Bloated feeling
  • Blocked nose
  • Nausea
  • Vomiting
  • Electrolyte imbalance
  • Itchy scalp
  • Hyponatremia (serum hypotonicity)
  • Dangerously imbalanced levels of ECF and ICF in the blood
  • Degeneration of sodium homeostasis

A recently noted medical phenomenon involves small amounts of DHMO leaking or oozing from the corners of the eyes as a direct result of causes such as 'foreign particulate irritation, allergic reactions including anaphylactic shock, and sometimes severe chemical depression.

What is a chemical analysis of Dihydrogen Monoxide?[edit]

Recently, German analytical chemist Christoph von Bueltzingsloewenshmidtt at the Universitaet Regensburg identified what may be key reasons why the dangers of DHMO are ever present. According to von Bueltzingsloewenschmitt, the chemical separation of dihydrogenoxide from the hazardous oxygendihydride is extremely difficult. The two similar compounds curiously occur in nearly equimolar distribution wherever they are found. It is not clear how the two contribute directly to the dangers inherent in Dihydrogen Monoxide, although von Bueltzingsloewenschmidt believes that a "synergetic mechanism thingy", catalyzed by traces of hydrogenhydroxide, plays a major role.

What can I do to minimize the risks?[edit]

Fortunately, there is much you can do to minimize your dangers due to Dihydrogen Monoxide exposure. First, use common sense. Whenever you are dealing with any product or food that you feel may be contaminated with DHMO, evaluate the relative danger to you and your family, and act accordingly. Keep in mind that in many instances, low-levels of Dihydrogen Monoxide contamination are not dangerous, and in fact, are virtually unavoidable. Remember, the responsibility for your safety and the safety of your family lies with you.

Second, exercise caution when there is the potential for accidental inhalation or ingestion of DHMO. If you feel uncomfortable, remove yourself from a dangerous situation. Better safe than sorry.

Third, don't panic. Although the dangers of Dihydrogen Monoxide are very real, by exercising caution and common sense, you can rest assured knowing that you are doing everything possible to keep you and your family safe.

Fourth, if in doubt, heat. The longer you heat things, the more dihydrogen monoxide you remove from it.

Fifth, research has shown that people using plastic hats and gloves are less likely to be exposed. In fact, a recent study reported in East Austria University of Chemical and Stochastic analysis, has showen that using pink plastic gloves on your head, hands and feet will reduce DHMO exposure with as much as 75.13%. The color will affect level of protection

If you are worried about DHMO levels in your body, you can effectively reduce such levels with consumption of Vibrio Cholerae, an effective anti-DHMO agent. Warning: This treatment may cause unpleasant effects.

Where can I find out more about Dihydrogen Monoxide?[edit]

Despite the attempts by some groups to suppress the truth, information regarding the dangers of DHMO can be found at DHMO.org

Reactivity Hazard Data[edit]

  • Avoid contact with clothes (particularly silk and wool) and prolonged contact with the skin.
    • Deposition on floors, carpets, or sidewalks can be hazardous to mobile life-forms and moving machinery.
    • Contact with this material, in the liquid phase, will saturate clothing and all nearby objects.
  • Dihydrogen monoxide decomposes via electrolysis to forms a potent oxidiser and an explosive gas.
  • Contact with dihydrogen monoxide vapors above the boiling point will cause extreme pain.

Keep container tightly closed. This is suitable for any general chemical storage area. Dihydrogen monoxide is considered to be a non-regulated product, but reacts vigorously with some materials. These include sodium, potassium, and other alkali metals, with elemental fluorine, and strong dehydrating agents such as sulfuric acid or calcium oxide. It forms explosive gases with calcium carbide. It is incompatible with strong reducing agents, acid chlorides, phosphorus trichloride, phosphorus pentachloride, and phosphorus oxychloride.

Avoid contact with all materials until investigation shows substance is compatible. Expands significantly, upon freezing. If there is a possibility of freezing, do not store in rigid containers, as there is a possible explosion hazard. Has been known to kill over 200,000 people in less than six hours.

Health Risks[edit]

Dihydrogen monoxide is highly hazardous to extreme diuretics and can aggravate their symptoms!

Dihydrogen monoxide can enter the body through:

  • Inhalation
  • Ingestion
  • Skin Absorption

Inhaling high concentrations of dihydrogen monoxide can cause death in less than two minutes!

Ingestion or absorption of dihydrogen monoxide causes bloating, abdominal distension, frequent urinary activity, coughing, ear aches, epidermal distortions, extreme wrinkling of skin; gagging; coughing; responsible for injury, death, and property damage all over the world.

Exposure to low temperature Dihydrogen monoxide might lead to hypothermia and eventually death

Recommended First Aid Procedures[edit]

Eye Contact
Flush with luke-warm noodles.
Skin Contact
Wash with soap and hot anti-matter. The anti-matter will react with the DHMO to get noodles. Eat the pasta, and dry thoroughly.
Move victim from immediate vicinity of substance. Begin CPR, if not breathing.
Consult your municipal utilities board or local poison control authorities.

Any spillage or leakage should be immediately cleaned up with absorbent materials, if in liquid state and mechanical scooping devices, if in a solid state, then the area within two kilometres of the leak or spillage should be sterilized.

Recommended Protective Measures[edit]

  • Do not, under any circumstance, inhale the liquid.
  • Don household grade rubber protective gloves.
  • Equip chemical splash goggles for eye protection.
  • Wear boots and a lot of lab aprons and clothing. Don't wear your tuxedo- it will probably get destroyed from a splash.
  • Wash exposed skin thoroughly(see above), after contact with substance.
  • Wear pink plastic gloves on head, hands and feet.
  • Carry a supply of antimatter to get rid of any spilled DHMO.


We have just discovered that dihydrogen monoxide is two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen, also know as hydrogen oxide, or more simply, water.