Director of Human Racehorses

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New Human Racehorse on left, HR Directors on right.

Director of human racehorses[edit]

The Director of Human Racehorses (DHR) is in charge of the Human Racehorses (HR) Department of his/her company. Most companies with more than 20 or so employees have an HR dept. (in the smaller companies the DHR also has additional jobs). DHRs are responsible for the care, watering and feeding of (and where required by law, paying a salary to) the Human Racehorse(s), the DHR often handles this for regular employee's as well . A company's HR dept. competes with other companies HR departments for pride, money and government grants.

The Stables[edit]

The company will have 1 or more (normally fairly useless) employees in its stable (cubicles, warehouses, etc.) to use in competitions. As there are a wide variety of competitions (see below) most companies will have several human racehorses in their stables for different challenges. Some companies will stack the deck, load the dice, cork the bat, mark the cards (choose your metaphor) by bringing in a ringer (usually a college athlete that didn't quite make pro, or a pro that has been kicked out of sports) to increase their chances of winning.

The Competitions[edit]

The competitions are (secretly) sponsored by industrial (and semi-industrial) countries. Secret plans are in the works for an Olympic like event. Here is a partial list of competitions :

Timed Events[edit]

  • Find the break room - applies to Human Racehorses visiting a building for the 1st time.
  • Find the rest room - applies to Human Racehorses visiting a building for the 1st time.
  • Find the location - Human Racehorses are given an address and must get there quickly (usually entered by saleshorses, servicehorses and deliveryhorses).
  • Get a Government permit (local, regional and national events) - the Human Racehorse must do all paperwork, travel to correct government office, get thru underlings and red tape (offer correct bribes where required, bonus points for getting by with lower bribes) and schmooze the correct Government official to get permit.
  • Get a Visa - time starts when the Human Racehorse told where he/she is going, clock stops when Visa is in there hand.
  • Musical Parking spaces - this event will normally be held in a Government parking lot (Post Office, City Hall, Court house, etc.).
  • Load that truck - the forklift is broken, load the semi trailer by hand. Bonus points if the Human Racehorse is working with a handicap (illness, injury, take you kid to work day, hangover, etc.).
  • Go green - the Human Racehorse must replace all lights in the building with florescent bulbs.
  • Watercooler (Coffee Pot/Tea Pot) - the Human Racehorse stands around Watercooler (Coffee Pot/Tea Pot) for as long as possible without getting yelled at.

Untimed events[edit]

  • Man the front desk - the Human Racehorse is forced to man the front desk and switch board. 1 point awarded for each time a call or visitor handled correctly, -30 points for each flub (mistake). Only the 1st time at the front desk counts.
  • The boss doesn't have time to go out and by an anniversary gift for his/her spouse - the Human Racehorse is forced to do his shopping. Points awarded for originality, quality and appropriateness. Bonus points if the gift makes the boss look silly/stupid without him/her realizing it (no points at all if boss isn't fooled).
  • Make new entries in the uncyclopedia - points based on time wasted and quality of stupidity of entry (no points if caught by superior).
  • Office Party - the Human Racehorse must plan, cater (or arrange catering), get permits (see above) and/or reservations, get all required beverages and ice, decorate and send out announcements. 1 point for every compliment on party, -15 points for every complaint.