Dirk Gently

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Dirk Gently, alias Svlad Cjelli, Dirk Cjelli and Count Dracula, is a British detective and super-wierdo.


Dirk Gently was born as Svlad Cjelli in 1957, the youngest in a family of 22. His father, Tepes Cjelli, a scrap-metal dealer and TV quizmaster from Transylvania, was known to the police and was a devout Catholic.

Cjelli grew up, which goes without saying. When going to school, he was bullied like there was no tomorrow, ending up becoming scared shitless of education. He did, however, seem to be pretty good at patching up little clues and making up a picture of what was going on. He preferred this because, as he told the Uncyclopedia:

With a jigsaw puzzle, the pieces'll only go in one way. With these, they don't fit at all, meaning that you can do whatever the hell you want with them

Entering Detective Work[edit]

Dirk Gently, holistic detective and super-wierdo. He is also a master of disguise. By swapping his usual red hat for this black one, he can make himself look exactly like television's Harry Enfield.

In an attempt to become more Anglicised, Cjelli changed his name at first to Dirk Cjelli, then briefly to Count Dracula due to his Romanian origins and finally ended with Dirk Gently.

"Dirk" has a more Scottish dagger feel to it, explained Gently. Svlad is actually Romanian for "Anus".

Following this, Dirk set up his own Agency in London, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, where he became a good friend with Douglas Adams, the famed Superhero, athlete and scientist. As time went on, Adams joined the Agency and began writing Dirk's adventures as stories.

The Solar Pons Incident[edit]

When fellow detective Solar Pons came to power, Dirk was one of several detectives affected, as his Agency was being spoofed without permission in Pons' stories.

Dirk and Douglas took the matter to court, along with Sherlock Holmes, Eddie Valiant and several other detectives who were victimized by Pons. Dirk won $100,000 in compensation, while Adams won a complimentary towel in the Lucky Dip.


Several of Dirk's cases have been recorded by Adams in his two anthology collections. The third remained incomplete after Adams' death in 2001, and Dirk decided to leave it unfinished as a mark of respect.

Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency[edit]

  • The Case of the Missing Cat
  • The Virgin Enterprises Affair
  • The Ghost of St. Cedd's Church
  • The Cambridge Robbery
  • Murder on the Royal Scot
  • Death in Pizza Hut

The Long, Dark Tea-Time of the Soul[edit]

  • The Mound of the Hound of the Baskervilles
  • Murder at Toad Hall
  • Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
  • What the Butler Saw
  • Fare-Dodging on the Orient Express