Do Gooders are evil people that have a wicked intention to make normal people feel really bad about themselves. This is achieved mainly by performing acts of unconditional kindness, then acting really humble about it – loudly. This has the effect on their victim of highlighting a complete disregard in their day-to-day life of the needy plights of weak members of the human race. Expert do-gooders have occasionally been known to perfect their art to such a degree that they bring about depression, mental derangement and even suicide in their victims.
Do Gooders League
The Do Gooders League was created in 100AD by a little old lady, Doris Kettlebottom, who saw an opportunity to live out her evil intentions by capitalising on the genuine good deeds of a man named Jesus a century before. Doris became adept at Doing Good and unleashing her furious humbleness on her neighbours, successfully driving half of her village mad and causing over 80 suicides. Before she died, Doris established the Leage Of Do Gooders, revealing her secrets of success to a close circle of friends. As part of the establishment of this secret society, she codified the Code of A Do Gooder, wrote the book How to Do Good and Institutionalise People, and form the Do Gooders Trust to fund promising young Do Gooders through the necessary education.
Since the second century AD, the Do Gooders League have had a powerful and destructive effect on the last two millennia of mankind’s history. Just how extensive this harm has been is difficult to measure due to the secretive nature of the League. Only through the brave and dangerous work of researchers such as David Icke, Frank Bruno and Kermit the Frog, has the League’s sinister intentions and activities been uncovered.
Do Gooder Front Groups
One method that the League of Do Gooders has protected its identity has been through Do Gooder Front Groups. Some researchers estimate that up to 60% of charities and local church organisations are controlled by the League. Some of the more well-known front groups and their actual agendas are as follows.
Salvation Army: Started the late 1880s by High Do Gooder, Barry Manilow, the Salvation Army tortures people with shit music that is “all in a good cause.” Victims are lured to performances by claims of charity and help given by the Salvation Army. They are then made to endure disharmonious brass bands for hours on end, often causing serious auditory malfunction. The most frail and kindly looking female members of the Salvation Army will often guard the doors to accost any members of the audience attempting to escape. They will look with sad disappointment and the desperate look of the needy in their eyes towards those attempting to flee and ask “Are you just going to the toilet, dear?” Highly trained Do Gooders will also be able to produce tears at will that trickle slowly down their wrinkly cheeks as they plead with escapees to stay.
Scouts and Guides: The Boy Scout movement was established in the early 1900s as a recruiting ground for would-be Do Gooders. Scout leaders were set the task of spotting potential Do-Gooders by looking out for tell tale signs during the scouting activities such as capturing insects and pulling their wings or legs off, beating up the younger “Cub Scouts” or inventing cruel nicknames for their weaker fellow Scouts. Such evil tendencies were then harnessed as they were gradually initiated into the subtle art of “Doing Good”.
Local Church and Society Groups: The vast majority of seemingly innocent local groups are actually festering hives of evil, where vicious pensioners and disabled people get their revenge upon society. These groups spend weeks hatching plans for local mayhem in the form of “a fundraiser for the church roof”, “family fun day to raise money for orphans” or other such benevolent sounding schemes. During these activities, crowds will often be subjected to one-on-one harassment. One daring Uncylcopedia researcher recently braved his local village church annual “fundraiser for cripples”. After his recovery, he reported that he was “approached by one really nice-looking old lady. I thought that we had got it all wrong – she was really sweet. She patted me on the arm and told me what a handsom young man I was. She then said ‘have you met little Carl?’. She then wheeled out a dribbling, twitching stub of a body. It didn’t have any arms and only had one leg. Half of its head was missing and it had no ball-bag. ‘This is little Carl. We want to send him to Disney Land.’” Unfortunately our researcher then broke down into uncontrollable weeping and slipped into a coma. His family report that his bank account is completely cleared out and he sold the majority of his possessions on the day of the fundraiser before his hysteria set in. We at Uncyclopedia wish him a speedy recovery.
Samaritans: The Samaritans is actually a record-keeping arm of the League. In addition to keeping valuable statistical information about suicidal callers and depressed Do Gooder victims, the Samaritans also record all calls and send the best recordings to the League. These calls constitute success stories for the League and are widely distributed amongst the members for their entertainment value.
Street charity workers: On the high streets of busy town and city centers, Do Gooders can often be seen in full frontal attacks on innocent shoppers. Young, enthusiastic Do Gooders will leap in front of people, beaming a huge smile and with some witty greeting will arrest the attention of their victim. They then proceed to point out just how little you are doing for the greater good of humanity or the plight of some made-up unfortunate cause and, through hypnotism and trickery, will proceed to set up a mountain of Direct Debits that drain your bank account dry.
Do Gooders League Table
A recently discovered aspect to the Do Gooders League is their League Table. Do Gooders earn points for their efforts based on the following system:
Signs of embarrassment: 5 points
Crying: 20 points
Phone call to Samaritans: 500 points
Recruiting a new Do Gooder: 1000 points
Attempted suicide: 10,000 points
Actual suicide: 100,000 points
Getting a person to part with cash on behalf of one of the Do Gooder made-up causes is £1 for 1 point. In America, due to the exchange rate this is $2 for 1 point.
The League Table is published once a month. This gives newcomers the opportunity to make significant monthly points, which then build their lifetime points score over time.
The prestigious Do Gooder Noob of the Month Award is presented to high-earning Do Gooders in the first month after their initiation. Considered god-like within Do Gooder circles is Sir Bob Geldof, who achieved what most consider to be the most unbeatable score ever recorded for a Noob of the Month in 1984 with his Band Aid scam. Using sophisticated studio sets and actors, Sir Bob set up scenes of hungry Africans and recruited well-known celebrities to perform on Live TV, extracting millions of pounds from victims. His score of over 20,000,000 points is considered to be never again achievable for a Noob of the Month.
Attempts to Infiltrate the League
All that we know about the League has been obtained by various fearless investigators over the course of many years, as mentioned above. These brave souls are to be commended for breaking the walls of secrecy, often at the cost of their own sanity. Uncyclopedia would like to commend these people for their hard work and dedication.