Do Not Read

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Nuvola apps important.svg It is a violation of federal, state, and/or international law to view this article.
Thus, YOU MAY NOT VIEW THIS ARTICLE. Violators will be punished with instant decapitation and a $20,000 fine.
Nuvola apps important.svg
Zeichen 101.png DANGER!!   Viewing or reading this page can be deadly ... or worse.
1,362 users are currently castrated, paralyzed, infected with Herpes, and/or disfigured for daring to see this page.
If you just got here and are feeling dizzy due to losing a pint of blood from the stump where your arm
used to be, please stumble away and call for help, then lay down in the gutter and pass out.


Danger
THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS ONE OR MORE WORDS OR PHRASES KNOWN TO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA
TO CAUSE CANCER, BIRTH DEFECTS AND OTHER REPRODUCTIVE HARM.
Take these warning seriously!
Vampire Jim will fucking bite you for reading this article!

“The superior man does not read this article.”

~ Confucius on Do Not Read

“He who does not read this article will be victorious.”

~ Sun Tzu on Do Not Read

Do not read this article. YOU "<insert name here>" MUST NOT READ IT! Please discontinue reading this article. For every sentence in this article that you read, God kills a kitten. Why are you still reading this? Stop! Do you truly believe that it is worth your valuable time? Do you think it will have any interesting content? If that is what you believe, then you may be an idiot. Thus, stop reading this article that is completely devoid of content and do something else. Why are you still reading? You must be very bored. Stop reading this and do something more productive!

The Consequences[edit]

The Curse[edit]

This article is cursed. If you continue to read it, you may turn into a werejesus or werehamster. You will also experience terrible luck for the rest of your life. Thus you should click the "X" on the top right-hand corner of your screen or visit another page. You will also be destined to die a slow and painful death if you continue reading this article. You must leave now.

Misfortunes[edit]

If you still continue to read this article, despite all of the good advice given to you, then you will suffer horrible misfortunes. First of all, you are likely to be eaten by a grue. Use extreme sarcasm and go to another page. You may also be eaten by spork-wielding squirrels who wear pickelhaubes. Save yourself, exit now! In addition, you and everyone you care about will be infected with ebola and die of massive internal bleeding. The continued reading of this article may result in the destruction of the human species. Is it really worth it to be so stubborn and cause such calamitous events? Is being defiant your only purpose of life? Stop reading this article now.

How to stop reading[edit]

Perhaps you are unsure or unaware of how to stop reading this article? Then this section is for you.

There are many safe and easy ways to stop reading. You could simply close the page. Or you could walk away from computer and get a glass of orange juice, or maybe a cookie. Or you could click on a link on the page. Or you can watch porn.

Clicking on links is fun and easy. Here are some links to help you:

Angelina Jolie
Batman
The Justice League of Jesus
Eye Beams
History of Asian labor
Hot chicks
The Boring Years of American History
Oscar Wilde
Erectile dysfunction
Salvia
Pedophile

(please note that mixing the last 3 on this list is a BAD idea!)

Don't they look interesting? You know you want to click them!

Haven't clicked away yet? Ok... How about this link? Where does it go? You'll have to click it to find out!

...

...

...

...

...

...

Did you leave yet? Go away!

More Harmful Effects[edit]

Short-term[edit]

If you continue to read this article, you may experience loss of coordination, loss of sight, loss of sanity, headaches, diarrhea, mutilation, heartburn, indigestion, weight gain, coma, hunger, stroke, heart attacks, paralysis, seizures, fever, vomiting, anal seepage, penial seepage, and suddenly pass out and wake up only to see that your mom has cheated on you with my Great Aunt Wilma. Surely, you will go read some other article now.

Infection[edit]

If you still choose to continue reading, you will be infected by flesh-eating streptococcus bacteria. They will slowly devour your face, like a million tiny caterpillars consuming a tomato. Your flesh will slowly rot away and your face will acquire the characteristics of a large piece of ground beef. Eventually your eyeballs will fall out and your skeleton will be exposed. Is that the fate you want to suffer?

I cannot believe that you are still reading this hideous article. If you still continue, you will be infected with HIV, syphillis, crabs, flying monkey syndrome, all kinds of cancer, hepatitis, encephalitis, Marburg virus, salmonellensis, avian flu, SARS, 1918 Spanish Flu, smallpox, bigpox, chickenpox, monkeypox, cowpox (basically every kind of pox there is), and the common cold.

Miscellaneous[edit]

Side effects include: birth defects, dementia, loss of appetite, weight loss, weight gain, fatigue, insomnia, schizophrenia, and psychosis. For every word that you read, it will decrease your life span by one week. You still may have an opportunity to survive. Read something else.

The End...[edit]

The end is here.

 __  __    ___   __     __   __     ______  _____     __    _____   __
| |  | |  / _ \  | |    \ \  / /   /  ____| | __ \   /__\   | __ \  | |
| |__| | / / \ \ | |     \ \/ /    | |      | |_| | / |_|\  | |_| | | |
|  __  | | | | | | |      \  /     | |      |   _/  | __  | | ___/  |_|
| |  | | \ \_/ / | |___   / /      | |____  | . \   | | | | | |      _
|_|  |_|  \___/  |_____| /_/       \______| | |\_\  |_| |_| |_|     |_|

Abandon all hope, all who read this.

If you have made it this far, your ignornace and arrogance have doomed not only you, but also the entire human race, the earth, and the universe. Thanks a lot, asshole.

There is no hope left for you. Why did you read this article, which has done nothing but try to convince you not to read it? You will have brain damage and be dead shortly. Not that you'll care much when you're wiped out of existence along with the rest of the universe. In addition, this was a COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. WTF DID YOU READ THIS?!??!!!!????

To Skippers[edit]

If you skipped ahead to see how it ended... TGIF.

What??? just becuz i censored this section does not mean you did not read it,wow,you are actually reading this,if you are,then you must be a total noob,get a life who cares if i dont use punctuation.

See also[edit]