Doetinchem

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Doetinchem is believed to be a city of mythological proportions located somewhere in Holland.

The Great City of Doetinchem
The Godlike Doetinchem City skyline, seen from the south-east, 2005.
Population: 139.000.000 (metropolitan area)
Area: 1,214.4 kmĀ²
Mayor: Spiderman
Official languages Mongolian, Spanish, Frisian, German, MSN and Dutch
Motto: "Screw you.. I'm richer" and "I don't have to listen to you, you're ugly!"
Capital Doetinchem City
Religion Kittenanity
Established Eleven million years ago
Currency Turquoise carpet rolls
Exports Humus, grass, Poo, Idiots, Vomit, Concrete, fear, Monkeys
Imports Pornography, Stardust
National anthem "God Bless Ethiopia"
Natural Resources Monkeys, Uranium, Those tiny metal balls on the top of your ballpoint, weed, superheroes

General Information[edit]

Doetinchem City, unofficially named the Great Almost Mythological City of Doetinchem, is the most populous city on Earth, and the most densely populated city in the universe. The city is at the center of international finance, politics, entertainment, and culture. Doetinchem City is one of the world's major global cities (along with London, Tokyo and Terborg) and is home to a virtually unrivaled collection of world-class museums, galleries, performance venues, media outlets, international corporations, and stock exchanges. The city is also home to the United Nations, The Parliament of the United States of Europe, The World Bank and the along with all of the international missions associated with it.

Located in the province of Gelderland, Doetinchem City has a population of over eleven million monkeys, six million humans and over one hundred million people. A fourth group, the Danish, live below the streets and they only come out at night. Estimates indicate that there are about ten thousand Danish immigrants currently living in Doetinchems subway system.


The city includes large populations of immigrants from over 180 countries who help make it one of the most cosmopolitan places in the universe. Many people from all over the planet are also attracted to Doetinchem City for its culture, energy, and cosmopolitanism, and by their own hope of making it big in the "Biggest Friggin' Place on Earth!."

The Doetinchem City International Airport, 2003.

History[edit]

Doetinchem has existed for over eleven million years; therefore it's one of the oldest cities in the world. It was founded by Persians and after a short period of time claimed by Germans who where secretly working for North-Korea. The People of Doetinchem actually believe God himself walked the ground on which the city is build.

However, the existing facts about Doetinchem give us a complete different view about the founding of this metropole. Just as the Rabobank, Doetinchem was founded bij farmers, but not just farmers. They were called the Founding-farmers. After digging holes in the ground and struggeling with donkeys to flatten the mountains, they decided to wait for a miracle. One minute after the official founding of the city, the founding-famers founded a football club, even before football was invented. The fans of The Graveship (free translation of Graafschap), call themselves SUPERFARMERS, in Dutch SUPERBOERUUH. This indicates the domination of Doetinchem over Eindhoven.

Boroughs and neighbourhoods[edit]

  • Downtown ( pop. 111,564,798) is the business center of the city, and the most superlatively urban. It is the most densely populated place in the universe, and the home of most of the city's skyscrapers.
Downtown Doetinchem, 1992.
  • The Huet (pop. 1,363,198) is known as the purported birthplace of hip hop culture, as well as being the home of many famous restaurants. The borough is dominated by hundreds of residential skyscrapers.
  • Dichteren (pop. 2,472,523) is Doetinchem's newest borough, with a modern, almost science-fiction, identity. It ranges from a business district downtown to large residential tracts in the central and south-eastern areas.
  • Oosseld (pop. 2,225,486) is the most diverse borough in Doetinchem., with more immigrants than anywhere else. Geographically it is the smallest of the boroughs, and the legacy of its old constituent towns is still evident. This borough is known for it's rising crime rates and poverty.
  • Langerak (pop. 230,818) is the smallest and wealthiest neighbourhood in Doetinchem. It's known fir it's giant villa's and many golf courses. It's located on the north-side of the city and it played an important role in the Frisian war of 1989.
  • Overstegen (1,258,120) Is known for it's nightlife and cultural diversity. The skyline here is dominated by tall residential and office skyscrapers. Although many ethnic cultures live together here on a small piece of land, they've managed to make this one of the most peaceful places in Europe. And example for the rest of the world.
  • Gaanderen (pop. 891,547) is the oldest borough. It's located at the south-eastern tip of the state. The population here is marked by it's high average age and great healthcare.


Future[edit]

After the Big flood in 2017 Doetinchem will rise up to be an even more important city in, what's then officially called, the United States of Europe. Because of it's great infrastructure and still growing monkey workforce it will even host the special Olympics in 2020.

Economy[edit]

The city serves as an enormous engine for the global economy, with an estimated Gross Metropolitan Product of nearly $2500 billion, and is home to more Fortune 500 companies than any other place in the world. If it were a nation, the city would have the 4th highest gross domestic product in the world, far exceeding that of Switzerland ($377 billion) and nearly equaling that of Russia ($586 billion). Doetinchem is also known worldwide for its growing massive humus production. It's currently producing over twelve billion kilo's per month.

Leadership[edit]

The current mayor of Doetinchem is Spiderman. He won the elections for the fourth time in 2003 and is predicted to stay in office until he dies. His opponents, among them are Superman, Lex Luthor, Bill Gates, are still plotting an evil scheme against him.


Law[edit]

There is no law in Doetinchem, and therefore you really can't do much wrong. There are certain restrictions to what you can and can't wear though. For instance; it's illigal for hot women to wear anything else than a miniskirt when the temperature has risen above 20 degrees celcius.

The Frisian war[edit]

A specially trained Dutch monkey soldier, 1989.

Before 1989, no one could have dreamed about it, not even in their wildest dreams, that something as big as World War II would take place just above Doetinchem. But no we've paid the price and learned our lesson. It all began in the cold autumn of 1989 when the Dutch humus production was at its peak. The people of Langerak where feeling the hot breath of their opponents and suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant meteor can from the sky and pulverised Berlin. Fingers all over the world where pointing at Doetinchem and especially Langerak and the UN soon decided to send troops to Langerak. Doetinchem prepared for the battle of a lifetime, a war that the world has never seen before, a war so immense that even gods would be amazed. Fortunately the UN troops weren't expecting the millions of military trained Dutch monkeys that where strategically placed along the cities borderlines. Resistance was futile and the troops where completely overrun by the primates.