Dog Ear Addiction

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'Time for some rubbing?'

Dog Ear Addiction is an uncontrolable urge or obsessive-compulsive disorder which causes the sufferer to become completely dependent upon massaging the outer auricular cartilage or ear flap of a canine or similar mammal. Typical actions of a dog ear addict will often include repetitively embracing the ear flap between the digitals, most often the Digitus Annula'ris and the Digitus Mi'nimus Ma'nus or ring finger and pinky. The addiction can become debilitating in advanced stages, causing suffers to be forced to remain at home or near places where there are dogs or to bring their own dogs with them when they attend to their various life tasks. For sufferers who themselves do not have dogs, buying ear on the streets from dog owners may be the only option. Hence, a substantial, multi billion dollar ear market has developed in the US, Europe and many Latin American countries where ear addiction sufferers may pay between fifty or one hundred dollars to massage one ear. Law enforcement in larger cities have during the recent economic slowdown been forced to deal with a marked increase in the number of dog owners selling ear in parks and even in public places, an activity which has been outlawed and is classified as a form of narcotics trafficing.

An entire nomenclature has developed in connection with these ear markets including pricing based upon various factors, such as dog race, ear temperature and other characteristics seen as affecting the ear quality. For instance, the derogatory term for cat ears according to dog ear addict jargon is danties, referring to their small size and inadequacy is as concerns taking them between the usual two digits. Boxer, Jack Russel Terrier and French Bulldog ear tend to be the most expensive, while Rottweiler or German Shepherd ear will be less expensive on the ear market.

Old or New Phenomenon[edit]

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Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Dog Ear Addiction. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.

Researchers of dog ear addiction are uncertain whether the disorder should be classified as a modern medical phenomenon. While many obsessive-compulsive orders exist in today's society, recent studies have shown that dogs have evolved to manipulate humans and thus secure their own food supplies and well-being. One study showed that dogs were indeed capable of regulating the temperature of the ear flap by contracting blood vessels leading to that tissue and thus lowering the temperature of the ear. This was observed when several dogs saw a human carrying food items or when they competed for the attention of the person carrying the food. These results would tend to indicate that ear addiction may be the down side of a control factor in the symbiosis between humans and canines.

More Difficult to Quit Than Heroin[edit]

Modern experience would indicate that whatever the cause, dog ear addiction may be one of the most difficult habits to break. Medical personnel have described patients as experiencing withdrawals, often resulting in the frantic and repetitive pinching together of the two digitals often employed in dog ear massaging. The withdrawals may lead to mood swings and violent behaviour even more difficult and bizarre than that experienced by heroin addicts. Current studies place the rate at recovery at a dismal ten to fifteen percent. Ear addicts will often find it difficult if not impossible to live in an urban, suburban or even rural environment where dog ownership and encounters with dog owners is commonplace.

Attempted Rehabilitation[edit]

Attempts have been made to produce synthetic dog ears which are a collectino of material resembling earflaps usually strapped to a holding stick for convenience. These may be refridgerated until use in order to simulate the effect of a cold dog ear. A stick of earflaps can be conveniently and discretly carried in a purse or portfolio with the objective of allowing the recovering addict to attend to their daily tasks and travel as needed.