Dog Fucker

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Dog Fucker shown here in an intense masturbation session during a concert.

“I want to sex him up.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Dog Fucker

“The boy sure wants to be black, but he ain't!”

~ Eminem on Dog Fucker

“He reminds me of myself...only younger.”

~ Elton John on Dog Fucker

Dog Fucker is a rock and roll enigma. He's so enigmatic he doesn't have a beard. He used to work with pop, but Snap and Crackle got jealous, so Dog, defeated, got the blues and had to find a new kind of music.

Dog was visited in a dream by an angel named Mikaael Jackson. Mikaael told him that women would willingly fellate him if he sang the blues. Despite having 17 vaginas, Dog Fucker decided fellatio was a suitable reward. Before he even woke up, Fucker was already listening to Elvis and began experimenting with the fellating he was promised. As there was no woman there, he decided he must achieve this himself. He now has a steel pin in his neck and will never quite walk again.

Dog Fucker's latest tell-all album.

He was speculated to be a part of the Dave Matthews Band but all claims were dismissed in a court of law, under Miss Piggy and Big Bird. Dog hit big with such singles as "Your Booty Is a Wonderland Bigger than Mine" and "Clearity". He admits his favorite song is "What Is Love" by Haddaway. He likes it better than his own music. He likes long walks in the park and committing perversions of nature.

Life on Earth to This Point[edit]

Dog Fucker in his backyard.

Dog was created in a lab in Connectthedots where he spent most of his days watching Saved by the Bell from his school dungeon until he realized he needed a life. He put away his porno mags, and stopped fantasizing about Nicole Kidman and started fantasizing about Tom Cruise.

He was granted magical advice from the ghost of Stevie Wonder and picked up a guitar, his weapon of choice. It was an amazing guitar. None could imagine how amazing it was. Guess what came next...he stank. So he took a bath, but played guitar pretty well. After his bath Dog got to work on a new invention he called the cotton bowl but he later named the Cotton Gin however the patent interfeared with the release of his album so the pattent was given to Madonna for safekeeping.

After inventing the Cotton Gin, Dog decided to get back to music writing the hit song 'Your Booty Is A Wonderland' one night while on an acid trip. Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Australia was babysitting Dog and overheard the beautiful medley and decided to pursuade Fucker that he was Stevie Wonder and that the song belonged to him.

He always has the wrong pickup on. This causes his drummer JJ Jackson to get pissed that he has to lay down his phat beats twice in a row. God damnit, Dog Fucker.

Dogs most famous song to date, 'Your Booty Is My Wonderland', which is loved by all of his adoring female fans, was actually written for a guy. He is also the proud founder of his own unique 'F*cking/Slapping' guitar technique of which he his the only person in the known universe who can use it. It is thought that nobody can or will ever learn this technique as Dog Fucker has the added advantage of being born with two separate hands at the end of his right arm.

Dog spent many days with his school chums watching girls pass by and playing acoustic lullabies for them. Once he got laid (by a 60 year old man) and he became a much happier lad. When he got laid by a 90 year old woman, he was happier still!

He once had sex with 14 girls onstage, who were all 14 years old.

At one point in time circa 6 AD. He dated Jessica Simpson. They had a child together named Bart Simpson. Everyone knew them as the Simpsons.

He wishes he was Eric Clapton, but doesn't realise that Eric Clapton is old, useless and wears glasses.

Dog spends most of his nights recording teenage girls, turning those tapes into hit songs and crying himself to sleep on his large pile of money.

Controversy[edit]

The most persistent criticisms of Mayer have been over the quality of his music, the general consensus being that it is, as one critic put it, "insipid at best", as well as concern that Mayer, not being content with a career as a mediocre musician, will continue to seek out new activities at which to suck, such as comedy and writing. While his dozens of fans will often become teary-eyed or "pissy" over such accusations, Mayer himself has generally chosen not to respond to such criticisms. A notable exception was when he granted a rare and wide-ranging interview to former MTV and current NBC milquetoast Carson Daly. Though normally starstruck and sycophantic, Daly was uncharacteristically aggressive in the 2009 interview to be aired later on what ever the hell his show is called (it's on at like 1:35 AM, I don't know). Pressing Mayer about his abrupt and insultingly shallow transition into blues music, Daly asked, "Do you think an upper middle class white boy from Connecticut can really appreciate what blues music means to people, what it is really about?" Mayer responded that he understood the passion of blues fans and the scrutiny he was now under, but added, "I'm out there doing my best and, white or not, I'm out there to become the next Muddy Rivers." A visibly disturbed Daly then queried, "Do you mean Muddy Waters?" Mayer only shrugged, but added later that not everyone likes good music, anyway. At this point, Daly was overcome by noxious fumes and the studio had to be evacuated. Witnesses described an overpowering stench, likened by many to vinegar or vinegar mixed with water, the source of which remains unknown, though it is reported that the smell began to dissipate soon after Mayer left.

More Controversy[edit]

More recently, Mayer came under fire for comments he made in an interview appearing in the moribund skin magazine Playboy. In it, Mayer likened former girlfriend and vacuous piece of ass Jessica Simpson to "sexual napalm" and noted that sex with her was something akin to crack cocaine, Mayer having learned what crack cocaine was from an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit he watched the night before. Simpson's response to these statements was unintelligible, but she looked good. Mayer then continued to "name drop" women that he has been linked to in the past, though many observers noted his greater reticence regarding Jennifer Aniston, about whom he offered only that she had "the pokiest nipples ever", something that anyone who has ever watched Friends would already know.

Most of the criticism stemming from the Playboy interview, however, concerned statements made by Mayer that many perceived as being racist or at least racially insensitive. Having already compared his penis to white supremicist David Duke (in that Mayer was not attracted sexually to black women), Mayer then reiterated this by saying that his penis "no rikee brack radies" in a voice described by the interviewer as a "sickening" stereotype of Asian speech made even worse by Mayer stretching out the skin at the corners of his eyes with his fingers while repeatedly saying things like "ah so" and "so solly". These statements, as well as the use by Mayer of the relatively obscure term "jigaboo", were roundly and almost universally condemned, though some thought that too much was being made of Mayer's comments and that, though certainly insensitive, they were merely the product of a man of no discernable talent or ability who was somehow under the impression that he was clever, that no real malice existed. Mayer also received support from a rather unlikely source in the form of Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan. In the Nation of Islam's bimonthly journal 400 Years And Counting: Documenting The White Man's Lies, Farrakhan noted that Mayer, though a "white devil", should not be excoriated for finding black women sexually unattractive because, Farrakhan says, black women do not meet the somatic norm image that a "honky" would normally have. Farrakhan also adds that he is completely unattracted to white women, though he understands why they are drawn to black men "like moths to a flame".

Even More Controversy![edit]

If that wasn't enough, recently Dog Fucker has come under fire for his comments to time magazine. They asked him "how do you get through hard times?" Dog Fucker responded short and honestly... "I just fuck dogs" surprisingly many people did not appreciate this bitter honesty. But Dog Fucker was true to his name. PITA however deafened Dog Fucker and said "If Gays can have sex and get married, Then why the Fuck can't people fuck and marry dogs?"

Tree-Oh[edit]

Dog formed a trio with some Chinese black guy named John Legend and a reject from The Who. Their work was destroyed in the WTC Attacks on September 11th, 2001. Once they got laid, they all were happier lads with AIDS. He also loves fisticuffs.

Music Albums He's Made Sometime Ago[edit]

  • Whats Inside Your Pants
  • Room For Triangles
  • Heavier Stuff (Dogs attempt at metal)
  • Livin' with Your Mom
  • Sexy Man Continuum
  • I Have a Vagina
  • Asshole Studies
  • Unborn and Unleashed

See Also[edit]