Dog the Bounty Hunter

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Dog the Bounty Hunter.

He and his companions deck criminals, have been known to have busted many, many, villians. He even has the ability to fit in amongst the African American crowd, uttering such phrases as: "high five" "yo" "bra" and the slang version of the word "man". You may wonder,"where can one get such awesome skills?" the power is in his outfit. Everything such as feathers, beads, and tattoos harnesses special powers from adventures he has survived with people such as Indiana Jones and Penis. He is said to be fathered by the critically acclaimed and top-selling ska/punk band, Choking Victim, who are best known for their top 10 hits like "Beat It", "Smooth Criminal", and "Thriller". (Michael Jackson is in fact just a fictional character created by our fascist government which soon hopes to take over the entire world and make it a giant water park.)

Dog's Ultimate dream is to be the new Chuck Norris. He once said, "Chuck Norris is a wussy piece of shit, He only has one move for christ's sake! Roundhouse kick? And he doesn't even have cool glasses! Take my word for it, I will be his new image!"

The Equipment[edit]

Dog's equipment includes, Kevlar vest, Bear mace.

The Tattoos[edit]

Now we will learn the powers that the tattoos hold. The tattoos were another gift that all(except for the panda bear on his ass) came from a mystical man from Brazil. Dog recently captured the man's wife because she was a prostitute who shot a wigger because he said he wanted to have proof of being shot by an uzi 9 times. But when the cops and Dog came and started questioning, she said that he requested being shot, but then he denied ever meeting this quote "biatch"(asswhole).

So the old Brazilian said that if you let her go i will give you tattoos that will give you the power to give bad guys a "persuasive stern talking to". And since Dog is a nice gay, he accepted. So now instead of blowing everyone he caught and saying,"stop doing that dumbass!", now he can take em' in without having them take out $50 out of his check for unnecessary violence. And the criminal can now learn a lesson with the comforting feeling of being dog's "fellow bra" as dog likes to say.

Dog's Wife[edit]

Sure, she may seem worthless. But she is as useful as say, a potbellied pig with razor sharp teeth and a strap-on dildo. She can track down an unlucky all-you-can-eat buffet with the radar like she is some kind of...radar...thing...Don't forget about those tata's either, if anyone was to ever find themselve caught under one of those babies...well it wouldn't be pretty. And nothing gets our gay hero more pumped in the morning than her wonderful waffles and bacon with a side of 12inch strap-on butt plug.


Leland...the son of the dog. Fearless, quick, but still has a lot to learn when it comes to bounty hunting. He most of the time looks forward to getting something that can power him someday just like his dad and all of his special items. He'll help his dad when enemies get rough. But usually get's his ass kicked. "It seems like Leland is still just a pup. And just yesterday came out of the vagina of his furry cold nosed bitch mom.", said Dog when Leland broke his leg when they were hunting down Mufasa when he escaped from the zoo. Leland showing off his new body


Tim is Dog the Bounty Hunter's [1]]"Brother from another Mother" (Quote from Dog, when he is trying to be cool using slang language.) Lets face it Dog is a 70 year old man, he could never be cool.

Tim is currently not in the recent series of Dog the Bounty Hunter due to him being arrested for first degree "terroristic threatening". This incident happened in Honolulu. He was also charged for indecent exposure when he was having a quick wank in the back of his car. Police say they recognized him from the show when they had a report of man fucking his hand in a car. Police said the guard told Tim to put his clothes back on, to come out of the car. The security guard was also reported to have sad that he wasn't peeping. Tim got to the wheel and accelarated towards the security guard who still had his hand over his eyes. "There were gaps where the security guard was looking" said Tim at the police station. He then mounted the curb and went straight for the security guard who managed just to move out the way. He was arrested for second degree attempted murder.

His lawyer said there was a misunderstanding and that Tim and spilt 'squash' down his lap and went into the back to change his trousers. He moved to the back of the car where there were black tinted windows to change is trousers when me started yelling at him. "He had no intent of terrorizing or threatening anyone. It was simply a man who wet his pants with orange juice inadvertently and was changing them, doing nothing wrong at all and believing he had sufficient privacy to do it" said his lawyer.

In that very car today where he was wanking is a picture of Gary Chapman, which still today has stains on which Tim's wife still doesn't know what those stains are and where they came from. Dirty Bugger.

Most Famous Criminals He Has Captured and The Reason Why[edit]

  • 1.Chuck Norris- After Chuck consumed several beers and roundhouse kicked an innocent child.
  • 2.Santa Claus- When he put anthrax in kid's presents due to the fact that Mrs. Claus left him.
  • 3.Some jerk- Who stole his collection of Cowboy Bebop dvds.
  • 4.Frankenstein- For masturbating in a public area.
  • 5.Hawthorne Heights- For starting a riot using molotov cocktails and Dog's Cowboy Bebop dvds. There were many casualties.
  • 6.Jeff Foxworthy- For simply being an unfunny Zanzibar(it's a law there)
  • 7.Jimbo Wales- For claiming Uncyclopedia is a parody of Wikipedia. (Wikipedia is actually a parody of Uncyclopedia)

The Dark Side[edit]

Dog may seem like some kind of "hero". But he has a dark side. Just look at all the people he has killed instead of taken in out of anger.
The man who invented "uncoolness"
A dude who made an Uncyclopedia article about him
Cat the Serial Rapist
The chick who refused to smack his butt and say,"bad doggie".
The dude who put peanut butter on his penis and said,"come here, Fido!" when Dog visited his neighborhood.
A guy who recorded him saying the word nigger, over and over again
yeah, that's right, he's not so much of a nice guy sometimes. But maybe someday he can have some goddamn self control. But who knows when that day will come...

Arch enemies[edit]

  • 1.Chuck Norris
  • 2.Rap music
  • 3.Bob Dole
  • 4.BadInfluenceman
  • 5.Crack heads
  • 6.Hippo
  • 7.Cell phone recording of him saying the word nigger, over and over again

Spy? Suspicion Grows[edit]

That's right, there is a possible spy amongst Dog. And that is Tim, A somewhat worthy adversary that has been in the business for a long time. Dog suspects him as a Chuck Norris agent, sometimes it just feels like Dog can sense his preying eyes. Watching all of Dog's rolls and jumps...all of those sweet moves. He probably IS actually working for Chuck Norris, since Chuck Norris sees Dog as a possible threat. Chuck doesn't want his title of "Corniest Guy Who Is Supreme Sarcastic Comedy Gold" taken away from him.

Dog's Weaknesses[edit]

  • Ice --- Dog's Kryptonite
  • Not being awesome
  • Sleeping pills
  • A haircut
  • Having to wear a shirt with sleeves
  • Cell phone recording of him saying the word nigger, over and over again

How To Escape The Jaws Of Justice[edit]

Yes, it IS possible. But think of these methods as temporary because eventually they will be corrected with more tech shit.

  • The locked on device only works through his glasses. so if you stay in the corner of his eye where the glasses don't meet the side of his head. you may have some kind of "chance"
  • Travel at the speed of light
  • Distract his attention with a "Now hiring - Rocket Power voice acter for a "totally rad dude" character.(Totally rad lingo required) $50 worth of SoBe an hour"
  • .....cell phone recording of him saying the word nigger, over and over again.

Death Threats[edit]

Being the most likely new Chuck Norris, Dog gets a lot of death threats. This is another thing that weakens him. He sometimes get's scared to leave his house without his kevlar vest and always watches his back. Now LELAND is getting death threats.When Dog found this dead crack head after he chased him for an hour, the crack head was shot and had THIS stapled to his back...

Fortunately the people left their indent on the plastic card, as you can plainly see. Now Dog spends his time trying to find the secret factory kown as "Mightee Fine Creations". It has such a good cover name. Naming itself something so seemingly innocent...

The Untimely Demise of Dog[edit]

Even after pleading his case on Hannity and Colmes (See: N-Word, Michael Richards), Dog's act of contrition proved to be in vain. The Reverend Sith Lord Darth Sharpton issued a galactic fatwa against the Big Bad himself. Bounty Hunters far and wide swarmed after their hobbled colleague to reap the substantial reward laid upon his head. On November 11, 2007, a dramatic shootout took place at the Waikiki Beach 7-11 between Dog and rival bounty hunter Boba Fett. Fett took down the rogue N-Word dropper with his backpack mounted cruise missile. Fett had Dog's mullet frozen in carbonite and shipped to Darth Sharpton, who later placed it up for bid on EBay. The carbonite mullet is now on display in the throne room of Hannity the Hutt's palace.


Dog please don't rim our ass. Chuck Norris forced us to do it.