Don't Mess With Texas

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Do not even fucking think about messing with Texas. I know you, think you're all big and bad, probably from Oklahoma or some shit, think you can just mess with whatever you want to mess with, but I'm warning you, asshole, don't mess with Texas. Maybe you can mess with Indiana, probably you can mess with Iowa, and almost certainly you can mess with New York, but you goddamn can't mess with Texas.

"But, Mister" I hear you saying "Texas is just a state like any other!." Wrong, asshole. Texas is a religion, a way of life, a God! And the 1st Amendment to Our Constitution says "Don't mess with God." Now I can already anticipate your response, that the Constitution doesn't say that. Now maybe YOUR Constitution doesn't say that, but who the fuck cares about your Constitution? Texas' Constitution DOES say that, so piss off. You know you can't even hold public office in Texas unless you believe in a God? Stick that in your tail pipe Hindoo Savages! Texas is the state God intended the rest of the world to be, until people not from Texas popped into existence. Leading scientists from the University of Texas (theologians) now think that non-Texans came from Antarctica, which pretty much means they're all fucking Kangaroos or something. But what do you expect from people who aren't from Texas?

People Who Messed With Texas[edit]

Nobody. At least nobody who lived to tell about it. Some people tried to mess with Texas, like the Mexicans, but then ole' Sammy Houston and Stevie Austin showed them a thing or two or about Texas, and that thing or two was don't fucking mess with it.

The list of other people who messed with Texas and lived (or died) to regret it includes, but is not limited to, these people: Kaiser Wilhelm

Okay, I'm having a tough time coming up with a list, but I assure you, the list, if it were to exist, which it does, would be formidable, which it is. For-mid-a-bull. Formidable. F. O. R. A. M. Fuck it. Formidable.

Cases in Which It Might Be Acceptable to Mess With Texas[edit]

There are none. Millions of dollars (Texas Issued, naturally) have been poured into researching whether there are in fact cases where, at least in theory, it might be possible or acceptable to mess with Texas. To this day, no such case has been found. Even in cases where someone from Texas steals your girl (likely), steals your bear (likelier) or rustles you cattle (likeliest), messing with Texas is not an acceptable solution to the problem. Leading theories now suggest messing with a weaker state so as to make Texas laugh at the humorous spectacle of its pitiful state, and thus give you your bounty back as reward for appeasement, or to engage in a complex system of barter with Texas to get back your desired good. But beware, Texas is a shrew bargainer. Texas has been known to take up 7 cattle in return for an ugly girlfriend and a case of Coors Light. I mean come on, light beer? It may as well be cow piss, which it is by the time Texas returns it to you.

Can people from Texas mess with Texas, as a joke, simply to prove the impossibility of messing with Texas?[edit]

No. This is a purely sophomoric mental exercise similar to those insipid questions of what would happen when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. Texas is that unstoppable force, and people from Texas (since they comprise Texas) are that immovable object. As we've already established, there are no possible cases in which it might be acceptable to mess with Texas, and any attempt to do so by a Texan would, by the transitive property, be an act of messing with ones own Texanhood, ones self. Since messing with ones self is clearly a logical absurdity, this method of messing with Texas is something like lifting oneself up by the bootstraps which, interestingly enough, most Texans can do.

Is it possible to mess with aspects of Texas?[edit]

Lookit, attempt to mess with Texas will fail. They will always fail. They must fail. If they didn't fail, if it were possible to mess with Texas, then what the fuck would it be possible not to mess with? If it were possible to mess with Texas, then people would be walking around messing with sexual attitudes, the occult, and cocaine. So are you some kind of devil-worshiping dead-chicken fucking cokehead? Shame on you, you goddamned hippy. I ought to rip you apart for even trying to mess with Texas!

Mr. President, do you think this topic of conversation is really suitable for a White House Press Conference while this nation is at war?[edit]

Shit boys, the jig is up! Load up the Bronco, we're high-tailing it back to Crawford!