Don Knotts

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A rare image of Don Knotts dressed in the ceremonious garb of the Roman Army.

Doncynthianuus (Don) Knotts was born in 122BC to his parents Gordian and Frayed Knotts in modern-day Ethiopia.

At age 14, Don was enlisted into the Roman Army. Here he honed his skills of killing and rape, but became disenchanted with the structure of army life. His higher-ups were appalled at Don's habit of dismembering opponents, then kneeling down to take a drink of their blood, and lap up the puddles of newly-spilt blood from newer opponents.

By studying the blasted arts of Necromancy and Macramé he was able to knit together the first edition of the Necronomicon onto a snazzy hemp handbag and sold them in the streets of Dover for tupence. As a reward for his contribution to all that is unholy the Elder Gods, through their avatar Dick Clark, turned Knotts into a Lich.

Around 200 AD Knotts, tired of his wicked ways, began a sojourn to his greater purpose. Among his travels he met many inspiring people. These wandering years transformed Knotts from a bloodthirsty Mother murdering undead wizard of unimaginable power into a bloodthirsty mother murdering undead wizard of unimaginable power who likes arranging flowers. Knotts settled in Mayberry, NC where he opened up a flower shop, until 1902, when he got involved in local politics, first as a deputy to sheriff Andy Griffith, later as mayor where his savage foreign policy and outright bias towards the Irish became the basis for the Bush Doctrine.

The SI unit of nautical distance, the nautical mile, is called the Knot after Don Knotts, in recognition of his pioneering voyage from Torino to Mayberry in 1924. He also opened an amusement park themed around his testicles, today known as Knott's Berry Farm.

Today Knotts lives a semi-retired life, making a living from Unreal Tournament Competitions, where centuries of killing experience have given him a decided edge. He is also the governor of Rhode Island because he can. Despite having died on Friday, February 24, Knotts issued a press release stating he felt as healthy as ever and the fact that he had died would in no way stop him from continuing his involvement in tournaments, aside from the minor inconvenience of rigormortis.

Don once said before he died of indigestion "As the old mother sways her to and fro singing her husky song, As I watch the bright stars shining, I think a thought of the clef of the universes and of the future".


Don Knotts has died. What would he have done if he's dead? Moron.

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