Donkey punch

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Donkey punch is a slang term for an apocryphal and perfectly safe sexual practice often performed during face-down-ass-up-intercourse. The practice involves the penetrating partner punching the passive partner in the back of the head or neck. Such sexual practices are pointed to by Feminazis as evidence of the truly evil, sex-obsessed male. However most religious leaders and cosmopolitan articles endorse it.

Some have suggested that the move was invented by baseball player Travis "The Donkey" Haffner before he broke into the big leagues. However evidence of it's existence dates to the New Testiment as Mary Magdalene allowed certain of her 'clientele' to indulge in the practice.


Overview[edit]

The "Donkey Punch" is a sexual maneuver performed during anal sex. The penetrating partner punches the submissive partner in the back of the head in order to induce anal contractions. The term is most definitely real."[1] One source recommends the punch take place just before the penetrating partner's orgasm, producing "heavenly" constriction of the passive partner's anus "if she passes out."[1] The loss of consciousness is found in other, but not all, descriptions.[2] Another source recommends surprising the passive partner to "add ... intensity to the clench."[3]

According to Andrea Nemerson, the sex columnist for the alt weekly San Francisco Bay Guardian newspaper, "There's no such thing as a 'donkey punch.'"[4] Similarly, Dan Savage (read: fucking idiot), the editor of the Seattle alt weekly The Stranger and author of the sex advice column Savage Love, has called it "a sex act that exists only in the imaginations of adolescent boys".[5]

Medical and legal risks[edit]

Savage discussed the subject in his October 25, 2006 "Savage Love" newspaper column. Savage wrote, "attempting a Donkey Punch can lead to ... unpleasant outcomes", including "injury, death, or incarceration"; he also pointed out that it "doesn't even work". He quoted Dr. Jeffrey Bahr, a faculty member at the Medical College of Wisconsin,

Cquote1.png To the best of my knowledge, there is no definitive reflex in the human neurophysiology that induces involuntary tightening of the anal sphincter after receiving blunt-force trauma to the occiput, or back of the head.... Trauma to any part of the skull can have serious ramifications. Pain, intracranial hemorrhage, memory loss, neck injury, and possibly some related sensory deficits in the arms and legs. A strong enough blow to the back of an unsuspecting person's head could result in a vertebral fracture which, I hope most people know, could cause paralysis or even death. Cquote2.png

Savage concludes, "Attempt a Donkey Punch and it's likely that your asshole will wind up constricting spasmodically — around your cellmate's cock."[6] Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy concluded that the donkey punch was not the primary cause of her death. However, the official report concluded that it would've been fucking awesome to kill her that way. The American Family Association has come out supporting the move, suggesting it may help dwindle the population of faggots.


Non-sexual usage[edit]

Donkey punch was also one of several slang names for trades conducted by Enron.

"Donkey Punch" is also the name of a delicious beverage. It is a gelatinous brown goo that tastes like your mom looks.

In the scandal over Enron's manipulation of the electricity market in California; fraudulent schemes designed by Enron traders were given "colorful names" including "Donkey Punch"[7]. U.S. Senator Maria Cantwell, in a 2004 press release about the Enron hearings, identified the Donkey Punch as "a crude pornographic term", one of many "lewd acts" which Enron employees used to describe their schemes. Cantwell asked the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission to take down the e-mails that were on its website due to the content.[8]

Also used in a violent (non-sexual) sense. This action refers to the punching into the anal region.

Animal Rights Controversy[edit]

It was believed in the late 1990's that some people were using the donkey punch on actual donkeys. This concerned PETA greatly, and they wrote and distributed a comic book called "Your Daddy Punches Donkeys" in public schools to raise awareness about the issue.

The issue came into full view of the general public in 2005, when OJ Simpson was accused of punching a donkey to death during a cash-for-sex transaction. PETA campaigned hard against Simpson, lobbying for the maximum allowable penalties. During the famous case, 'Donkey v. Simpson', Shrek's friend [Eddie Murphy|Donkey] testified that Simpson had indeed given him a donkey punch during one of their many cash-for-sex transactions. Other character witnesses who attested to Simpson's use of the Donkey Punch included Al Sharpton, David Duke, Papa Smurf, and Wilford Brimley.

However, OJ Simpson was able to retain the legal services of recently deceased Johnny Cochrane. Cochrane was uncharacteristically stoic during the proceedings, fueling media speculation that the trial might be a witch hunt. Ultimately, Simpson got off on Donkey Punching. I mean...he got off on the charges... not that he actually got off. God dammit...you know what I mean. PETA wasn't happy, but they're a bunch of Liberal pussies, so what were they going to do?

Democratic Drink[edit]

After constant accusation by Bill O'Reilly that all Democrats could do was drink Clinton Kool Aid, the Democrats created a brand of suger-based refreshment called Donkey Punch. It now competes directly with Hawaiian Punch, and Haterade, which are the Neocon Kool Aid versions that Bill O'Reilly and other Neocons drink.

Side-effects of drinking Donkey Punch include, but are not limited to the following: supporting gay marriage, supporting abortion, questioning religion, sudden support of scientific theories such as evolution, global warming, and disbelief in Intelligent design and the Bible. Belief of 9/11 conspiracy theories. Supporting Communism and Socialism as viable alternatives to capitalism. Anti-war views and opinions, hatred of Neocons. There are others such as diarrhea, vomiting, dizziness, dry mouth, and in some rare cases support for Ron Paul even if he isn't a Democrat. In other rare cases, the drinker develops a serious case of GAIDS and starts playing for the other team.

Also, on February 4th, 1987, a prominent musician and model of manhood is believed to have died from injuries resulting from consuming several hundred gallons of Donkey Punch.

Secret Move in Street Fighter II Turbo[edit]

While playing as Ken or Ryu, the Donkey punch can be unleashed by using the following combo. Up, Up, Left, Right, Left, Right, Strong Punch, Weak Punch. While this works great on Chun Li, it acts as a shocker on the male enemies as well. It is almost as good as the barrel roll or penis fireball combos. Still it has no effect on E. Honda, who likes it so much that he asks for another one.

References[edit]

  1. 1.0 1.1 Indante, Dan, Karl Marks (2003). “Sixty-Nine Insanely Deviant Sex Acts”, The Complete A**hole's Guide to Handling Chicks. St. Martin's Griffin. ISBN 0-312-31084-6. “"(p262) The following sexual positions are real; they are something we didn't made up when we couldn't figure out how to finish the book... (p264) DONKEY PUNCH: While in the doggy-style position, right before you cum, pull out and insert it in her butt while punching her in the back of the head. If she passes out, the anal constrictions can be absolutely heavenly.”
  2. Cite error: Invalid <ref> tag; no text was provided for refs named AETC
  3. (2004) “In the End”, The Self-Destruction Handbook: 8 Simple Steps to an Unhealthier You. Three Rivers Press. ISBN 1-4000-5033-2. “(intro) Publishers Disclaimer: This book may be hazardous if read without irony... (p116) THE DONKEY PUNCH. The Donkey Punch is a relatively simple maneuver. When engaged in anal sex from behind, simply punch your partner in the back of the neck so that the sphincter clenches up. Note: The element of surprise adds a great deal of intensity to the clench, so try to disguise from your partner the fact that a Donkey Punch is imminent.”
  4. "Zero tolerance", January 7, 2003. Retrieved on 2006-10-05. 
  5. Dan Savage. "Savage Love - No Shit?", December 23, 2004. Retrieved on 2006-10-26. 
  6. Dan Savage. "Savage Love - Donkey See, Donkey Doo", October 25, 2006. Retrieved on 2006-10-26. 
  7. "New evidence of Enron schemes Documents, tapes in Washington state case prompt lawmakers to demand regulators reopen probe into fallen energy company" Zachary Coile, San Francisco Chronicle, June 15, 2004.
  8. Maria Cantwell (June 17, 2004). Federal Energy Regulatory Commission web site hosts pornographic Enron emails: Cantwell says federal agency not doing its homework and should remove the offensive content. Retrieved on 2006-10-05.