Dr. Claw

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

β€œHe's escaped from me numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?”

~ Inspector Gadget on Dr. Claw

β€œI'll get you, Gadget! I'LL GET YOOOOU!”

~ Dr. Claw on Inspector Gadget, after the death of Mad Cat
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dr. Claw.
Here, Dr. Claw relaxes with some nice pornography on his TV, and some pussy on the side.

Dr. Claw (Real Name: Joe Kraw) is the notorious leader of the crime syndicate known as MAD. He is also a pimpin' madman and has many ho's under his employment. It is important to note that he is not related to Santa Claus, or his evil twin brother Santa Claws, who cuts nice children with razor sharp talons. While his name is Dr. Claw, he does not seem to have any claw of the sort on his person... unless you count his toenails, which he has not cut in over 30 years. He is also by no means a doctor, nor does he have a degree in any science or will prescribe you medicine or do check ups. The "Dr." on his name is purely a title, because attaching something like "Mr." or "Dr." or "Mrs." or "Esquire" or "Dominatrix" to a vicious sounding name makes it flashier, which is a general rule of thumb among villains.

Early Life[edit]

Joe Kraw was born on Oct. 5, 1935 in Hell, Michigan. He was born into a nice family who sold apricots for a living. He lived a good, clean, simple life until the day he started kitten huffing. That would be when his life would change forever.

After huffing many kittens, Kraw was never quite the same. No longer wanting anything to do with the magical apricot business, he was heard screaming things about signposts, trees and ruling the world and plotting stuff in his room. Realizing himself his evil potential, he would work to get an education, the finest made, and worked in the most evil of all places to get the money for it--a Jack In The Box.

Learning of the evil lurking within the restaurant, his darkness would be fuelled to a further degree as he made lots of money from his Madburgers. These burgers would be the inspiration for his future crime syndicate: MAD.

The Birth of MAD[edit]

Dr. Claw in the 70s.

It was then that after many months of hard work and studying, Kraw had accumulated much wealth. With a hardy laugh, he ran over to the nearest person and punched him for no good reason. Demanding to know where he could start an establishment of evil of his own, he forced the dude through violence and the use of a deadly Jack In The Box cheeseburger as a weapon to tell him just where he can legally start his goal. After the person willingly told him this, Kraw smiled just before snapping the poor man's arm in two, because he felt like it. Then he left.

Within 5 months, Kraw had changed his name. Donning metal gauntlets adorned with the finest pimp jewellery made, he had become Dr. Claw, though he was also considering calling himself "Hiela Huponte" or "Bad Guy" before settling on the name he is known by now. He chose "Dr. Claw" as his new moniker simply because he was drunk and he thought it sounded funny. The name he was going to pick prior to the alcoholic consumption was "Dr. Evil" but realized that that name had already been officially taken by the man of the same name. Mad Cat, a well educated fellow, soon joined him in his quest and within moments the pair became a tag team of evil... winning 7 championships.

After this, a game of Twister, and playing with matches, they resumed the MAD empire. With maddening madness, they built their empire, and soon, MAD was finished... Dr. Claw would now be an impending force of terror that would sweep the nations. Mad Cat, unfortunately, would soon become a victim of his constant kitten huffing. He also seemed to take a strange liking to a red lamp which he had shining on him all the time in whichever hideout he went to.

It was soon afterwards that he would make an arch-enemy out of Inspector Gadget, but it happened on accident. Details are currently unclear, but it was suspected that it happened while he was looking for ho's to pimp and kittens to huff. He regularly attempts to kill Gadget on a daily basis but it never works out as much as he hopes. He usually can be heard screaming, after each attempt, "I'll get you, Gadget... I'LL GET YOU!!" Following this would be either laughter, or violence, or a nap. He also said this quote when his beloved pet Mad Cat died of heart failure in 2006.

Claw's Identity[edit]

A photo taken of Dr. Claw on vacation. Can you find him?

Since his new identity, Dr. Claw's face has become a mystery. No one has seen what it looks like. Those who have do not live to tell about it. Or he just uses his "Amnesia Ray" and shoots them with it, making people forget. Those who didn't meet either demise were forced to work for MAD as to not let it slip out. He also uses impostors to hide his cover whenever it appears he has been caught, but is really not. However, he has been known to go out from time to time for a little fun.

He has apparently hidden almost all information of his person...however, people suspect he may look like Mark Hamill or perhaps Gary Coleman. But this has not been proven. Inspector Gadget himself seems to always forget what he looks like, so asking him was pretty fruitless, you know?

Some say he looks like an old man, kind of like Obi Wan Kenobi or something, but no one is really sure and Dr. Claw's not going to show his face anyways, so we can only make dumb guesses like these.


Dick Cheney, pledging his loyalty to MAD with pride.

MAD, his organisation, is really really big. Being a bigwig crime syndicate, they extend as far as even going around the world to commit crimes, usually lots of mischief like pantsing people when they aren't looking and throwing firecrackers into zoo cages, stealing jewellery, littering, running 4chan, and aiding in the shipment of Microsoft Windows. So far, Burger King and their leader have become willing members of MAD's extended family, which explains their own evil in their burgers. Also working for him are Bill Gates, Envy, Cap'n Crunch, Bugs Bunny, Steve Ballmer, Spongebob Squarepants, Jack Thompson, the Yakuza, and possibly Oscar Wilde.

Reports have shown that all of his henchmen tend to look like the same several people. This is because Dr. Claw clones them. That makes him more evil, see, cause he employs clones to do his dirty work. The Metro City Police have arrested 28 copies of these same cloned henchmen before in the past decades and yet he doesn't bother to bail them out or help them escape. Thus, it can be surmised that Dr. Claw probably believes in recycling his underlings through this method.

MAD's most persistent rival in crime is McDonald's, led by Ronald McDonald. Disney may also be a possible rival against MAD, as Disney did once build a copy of Inspector Gadget that ran amok. Claw blew up one of their major factories and have been butting heads ever since.

MAD has also been rumored to have aided in the development of the Playstation 3, but they have kept such information hush-hush.

At one point, MAD got so big, that it just could not be contained by Dr. Claw himself, so it divided, and this second organization became "Shadaloo" (AKA Wal Mart), run by General Major Bison.

See Also[edit]