Dr. Shane the Magnificent
Dr. Shane the Magnificent, born Dr. Shane the Magnificent in the year 2078, is NOT a medical practitioner. He is a bagel-farming gnome with the ability to eat the sky.
The Birth of Dr. Shane the Magnificent
I remember it like it was yesterday, despite the fact that it happened many decades in the future. A giant toaster was rampaging on somewhere. All of a sudden, there was a bright light. And from the center of this light, came the one and only Noodle of Tweezereggs! But this is totally irrelevant.
Dr. Shane the Magnificent (aka DJ Shane), was born to Oscar Wilde in a yellow submarine. A man giving birth to a gnome was, for some reason, considered incomprehensible by the crew, so both mother and child were thrown out of the submarine. Falling from the sky at over 9000 mph (I never said the submarine was underwater, did I?) there was little chance of survival. But then, I saw it.
The child opened his mouth, and the sky itself was absorbed into the gnome. Oscar was pulled into a wormhole and sent into the distant past, where he became a famous gay writer.
The Youth of Dr. Shane the Magnificent
He was a gnome without a home, and... haha, it rhymes! I should get the Nobel Peace Prize, or something. Anyway, Dr. Shane decided to find out the truth of what he was. He discovered that he was made of: 23% Gnomeness, 12% Sideburns, 28% Canine exrement, 41% Your mom, 13% Porcelain, -10% Teeth, 40% Toasters, 80% Diabetic people, 33% Sideburns, 100% Shane, and 79% Doorknobs.
Armed with the knowledge of all 439% of his materials, he set out to farm bagels. He was raised by a tree, who regularly shaved the poor boy's barf-orange sideburns. Whenever someone picked on the gnome child, he would give them a free plane trip to Disney Land-- and then eat the sky.
Year after year of successful bagel farming led to...
The Adulthood of Dr. Shane the Magnificent
Dr. Shane touched a spoon.
Ten Years Later
Dr. Shane took a WALK!!!!!!!!!!.... through the woods, and found you. At the time, you were just an insignifigant leprechaun. Dr. Shane hated leprechauns, so he punted you over some mountain, were you rescued by a pack of gypsies, albinos, that guy, and some dude, or something like that. Upon returning, he discovered that one of the bagels had broken loose, and it was with child! And so he decided to embark through the Wasteland to discover the true meaning of toasters. He hired me to look after his bagels as he went on...
The Great Journey
For four weeks he journeyed through the scorched and blasted Wasteland, when suddenly, a man with a shotgun came after him. Running for cover, he happened to find the lost bagel. She was dead, but had given birth to a beautiful baby cow. Hearing the man approach, he grabbed the calf and was about to run for cover when an idea struck him. He turned around, and threw the poor animal into his face.
Satisfied with the sickening crunch of the the guy's bones, he fed the startled cow the deceased bagel, and continued his quest. Or rather he would have, had he not forgotten what it was. He was about to return home when, all of a sudden, he was shanghaied by the Armenian military. Being force-fed a steady diet of pretzels, Dr. Shane was unhappy with military life. He has been quoted as saying, "If there are no toenails in your other ear, then you might as well build your oil well somewhere else." Within 0.14 seconds of saying this, he was promoted to Admiral. He soon discovered that tensions between the Armenians and the Polish were rising. These tensions reached the breaking point when 17 Polish plumbers were assasinated by the Armenians in 2114, causing...
World War III
Unlike any war before, the death toll is estimated to have been over 7 billion. Admiral Dr. Shane the Magnificent, with his cunning intellect, actually managed to take over China, with just the Armenian forces at his disposal. The Polish, in turn, conquered Russia. When the British discovered this, they immediately took action, uniting many of the worlds other nations in order stop the Armenians and the Polish before their conquests became more ambitious. Hitler came back to life and started killing people and blowing stuff up.
The United States, which had not allied with Britain, was soon faced by countless threats. They decided to build the ultimate super weapon, the [*]CONFIDENTIAL[*], which could [*]CONFIDENTIALLY[*][*]CONFIDENTIALIZE[*] any enemy. However, the clever Dr. Shane built a giant crane and dropped Canada on top of the U.S, killing it. Dr. Shane allowed Canada to keep the territory, as Canada truly conquered the U.S (of course, it wasn't entirely voluntary), and the Armenians only wanted to get the Polish anyway. Hitler had succeeded in blowing up half of the world, but killed himself (accidentally this time) by getting his face caught in a door.
The War Ends
As it turned out, the plumber assasinations were carried out by their own corrupt government in an attempt to start a war in order to create the Philosopher's Stone.
The evil Polish government was crushed by the now united forces of the world, and everyone laughed. Because he had killed the U.S with Canada, the now United States of Canada allowed Dr. Shane to run for presidency. He easily won by force-feeding all voters artichokes until they voted for him. And so, he was elected...
President Admiral Dr. Shane the Magnificent
Presidential life wasn't easy for President Admiral Dr. Shane. Day after day, nothing but complaints, and he hadn't even made half of the money he spent on artichokes. He was beginning to miss his bagel farm. What about me, you ask? There's an odd fungal growth on my left eye, and my skin is getting purpler by the day, but otherwise, everything's peachy!
Anyway, one fateful day in 2120, PADS noticed that his once barf-orange sideburns were going grey! The pang of emotion was overwhelming. Memories of the kindly tree that had raised him came flooding back. The stress had gotten to him, so he packed up and left.
Upon returning to his bagel farm, he mistook me for a corpse and buried me. The creep. I am now writing an angry letter, consisting of four words: "Wish you were here."