Dragon Wars

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This is not edited in any way. This is the real poster. We're not joking.

Dragon Wars is the official worst Korean movie ever made. Meaning it is far, far, far better than most American ones. In fact, it is so good that Kim Jhong Il had his entire nuclear staff stop work and watch it on the day of its premiere, as it was nationally declared the best movie ever made. Critics have argued that this is merely due to the fact that Kim Jhong Il is Bat Fuck Insane. However, scientists and religious figures both agree that critics can suck it. Dragon Wars is, in fact, so good, that it brings a new meaning to the word "good" in and of itself. People who have seen the movie have regularly reported their eyeballs exploding due to pure awesome. This has caused many medical professionals to question the power of this movie. However, much like the critics, medical professionals can suck it.

Production[edit]

Originally titled Dragon Wars (and still called so by people who aren't lazy enough to abbreviate Dragon...these people can suck it too) this film was originally announced in 2002 by North Korean dictator Shim-Fyung-Ravaerae as an attempt to overthrow Kim Jhong Il. This did not work, and in hindsight, Shim Fyung admits that he had no idea how it was supposed to work. Nonetheless, a North Koren "team of dedicated workers" (IE: slave laborers) got to work on this movie that they even then knew would waste more than 100 million dollars of their country's funds. To disguise it as a Hollywood Blockbuster, Shim Fyung opted for an all American cast by holding the actors' families hostage, and demanding that they perform. After the movie's release, the families were killed anyway. This has led to several lawsuits on charges such as kidnapping and murder, all of which were repeded by Fyung's lawyer in his now famous statement:

"You shut the fuck up righ' nao or Shim Fyung kirr youl famiries too!"

Not wanting their famiries to be kirred, everyone shut the fuck up as politely requested.

Plot[edit]

Although D-War is considered by many to be the greatest movie of all time, no one can make any sense of its ridiculously stupid plot.

Prologue[edit]

As a young boy, Ethan Kendrick (Cody Arens) is lured into a strange and scary antique shop by his abusive alcoholic father. There, he finds a reptilian scale that glows funny colors. He decides that it will be his first true friend, and names it Jacob. The antique shop owner (Robert Forester), who is currently high on pot, tells Ethan a strange drug addled story of a time long ago in ancient Korea.

Jack's Story[edit]

The man explains that there is a prophecy of some sort. This takes up two thirds of the movie's length.

Ethan's Quest[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Dragon Wars.

Jack, having gone through an unnecessary amount of exposition, then goes through some more by telling Ethan that he's the reincarnation of some dude and that he has to carry a necklace that Jack bought at party city around for the rest of his life. Ethan, being a poor, sad, impressionable youth, gladly obliges.

The movie then skips nineteen years later. Ethan, now a stoner and bum, suddenly becomes sober for the first time in almost two decades and realizes that he had some kind of quest. After beating his head against a fire hydrant for a few hours, he remembers the general gyst of it. He then proceeds to resubscribe to World of Warcraft and gets his fat ass moving. His first move is to get his obligatory Black friend Bruce to help him search for this Sarah chick. Bruce says something bout dat niggah bein wack, then helps a brotha out.

Meanwhile, the Sarah that Ethan is looking for is sitting around and not having much of a life when she notices a crazy hobo on television yelling something about dragons. This is Ethan. Sarah's personality-lacking female friend mentions something about him being attractive. Sarah, who has always had a strong paranoia of both dragons and sexy hobo men, runs home crying like the pathetic loser she is.

Also, these snake things start running around everywhere and eating various things. And no one notices it except for Messala, the zookeeper prophet. However, this character is unsuccessfully played for comic relief. Eventually, this other bald dude with black armor and a sword shows up, whose voice sounds like someone rubbed hot coals against his vocal cords. Meanwhile, while all the bad Dragons are coming into the picture, The good dragons are using their first days after reincarnation to donate to charity and help old ladies cross the street, which ultimately does not prove helpful. Eventually, Ethan finds Sarah in a hospital and escape the dragon, only to stumble upon the bald dude, who even if having the ability to block bullets and go through solid objects cannot dodge an oncoming car, getting run over in the same fashion twice. After recuperating from getting run over by dusting off his armor sleeves, he and Ethan engage in melee combat, Ethan magically apparating a wood plank and whacking him in the back of the head and thus defeating him. They escape in the car of a lady who likes running people over just for shits and giggles. They end up in a generic beach. Here they have dialouge that shouldn't be tried to comprehended (if you do try, your head will a splode). They decide to make out and have sex, even if they have only known each other for and hour

Then the military shows up and starts fighting the dragons. At first, since this movie was not made in Hollywood, you think that we're spared from the whole "Government is bad" cliche. But some official guy decides that Sarah needs to DIE. Ethan jumps in front of the man's gun, takes the bullet for her, and is merely pissed off. The man's slightly less official friend spontaneously goes through his teenage rebellious phase thirty years after he should have, and shoots him. He then tells the two to head down to Mexico, where they can escape from everything from murder charges to dragons. Unfortunately, before the two manage to get away, the evil dragons capture them by flipping over their car. Ethan passes out, but is otherwise unharmed, and is again only pissed off.

Ethan and Sarah running for Mexico

Note: synopsis is not actually far from the truth

Climax and Epilogue[edit]

When Ethan regains consciousness, he is in a very poorly computer animated cgi wasteland that looks something like a low-budget version of Mordor. Sarah is about to be gangraped by an army of ten thousand and the bald guy's getting first dibs. Ethan, declaring that Sarah's virginity will be his alone, unleashes the power of his cheap party city necklace and destroys the entire army, but inexplicably not the bald guy, to make for a cheap climatic battle. Again, Ethan's party city necklace saves his ass. However, the king of the evil dragons shows up and tries to eat Sarah. Thankfully for our heroes, the good imoogi (that's seriously his name) gets back from feeding starving children in Africa (which, by the way, was actually very close to this random desert wasteland) and decides to save their asses by doing something for once and fighting the evil dragon. (seriously, does Ethan ever save his own ass?) Note that this is the first time that this particular dragon has done ANYTHING USEFUL in the last seven times it was reincarnated, so when it comes to fighting, it's pretty rusty. So Sarah decides to screw Ethan and give her soul to the good Imoogi. This makes it far more powerful, and it defeats its evil counterpart easily. From there, Sarah appears before Ethan wearing an ugly, frumpy dress, telling him about how she will always love him. He responds with "bitch, where's my tang!?" And with this, she disappears. While she's disappearing, Jack also shows up, and confesses to Ethan that he has always loved him. Ethan is deeply disturbed. The dragon flies away, and Ethan is left just standing there. In the middle of a godforsaken wasteland with no food or water or civilization for thousands of miles.

Deleted Scenes[edit]

There are two major deleted scenes in the movie.

The first is a graphic, yet loving sex scene between Jack the antique shop owner and young Ethan near the beginning of the movie. It further establishes their relationship, and was recognized by European critics as extremely beautiful. However, due to prudish North American sensibilities, it was cut.

The second is a scene after the credits showing Ethan dying of thirst while wandering in the desert wasteland and having buzzards gnawing on his corpse. This scene was dismissed as being "depressing" and "realistic" in private screenings.

Reception[edit]

When I saw this movie in the theater, and the credits started to roll, there was grumbling. One person started to clap. He clapped a dying clap approximately three slow times before he finally realized he was an idiot. In Korea, on the other hand, the movie was very well received, breaking box office records all over the place. One Korean critic said:

"Dis show dat we can make movie any good as Amelican Horrywood! Mastelpiece!"

Ebert and Roeper gave it two thumbs up after their families disappeared, and several other reviewers gave it positive marks after similar incidents.

How good the movie REALLY is[edit]

But don't be disheartened by all this negative information! This is one of the best movies ever made! Simply allow me to edit this article to accommodate this new information! You see, sometimes we can be staring artistic genius straight in the face and we don't notice it until we see it! Specifically when it is pointed out by someone else. Someone who hates all Americans as it is and is just looking for an excuse to fire the gun he has against my forehead! This movie is amazing! I highly recommend it! Ten stars, and the cap is five! It beats every Godfather movie and everything made in America by far! Now send us 5000 of your dollars and we won't kill this man! Wait...what!? Oh...shit!

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