Drew Barrymore

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Don't let Drew Barrymore's innocent looks fool you...
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~ Everybody on Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore is an American actress, film producer, director, Academy Award winner, breast flasher, supervillain, hypnotist, coke whore, drug addict, former child star, secret agent, alien ambassador, and cyborg. Born in February 22nd, 1975, she's been acting since she came out the womb. Her first ever role was playing the baby that was being born in the 1975 film titled 'Some Woman Having a Baby'.

Early Life[edit]

Drew Barrymore was born somewhere in some labratory in 1482 by Leonardo Da Vinci. she was the very first cyborg until terminator stole her spotlight. Her Great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents invented acting. Thus, Drew Barrymore had to become an actress to follow in the family profession, as well. Also, her great aunt married Winston Churchill. Her godfather is Steven Spielberg. She once met ET. And Drew Barrymore also was genetically engineered to have superpowers from birth, with the side-effect that she was the tubbiest tub of lard in preschool although they gave her a liposuction when she was seven.

Drew Barrymore's breakout role came in ET, when she was just a baby. Apparently, ET taught her how to speak his language and she went on to use this talent to takeover Hollywood by use of alien subliminal messages (Ever see "The Wedding Singer?").

Adolescent Years[edit]

Because her father was a Fame Whore, Drew Barrymore grew up rapidly. By the Third Grade, she was the tallest and largest-breasted student in school. Eventually, Drew decided that school was for no-talent losers who didn't have the gift of nepotism in Hollywood, so she dropped out and started hanging around grown men in the famed "Studio 54" nightclub. By age age eight she weighed 190 pounds, until she got stuck in a door and had another liposuction, this time keeping her former fat in a closet. By age nine, she was smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, and by age ten, she had upgraded to marijuana, and finally, by age thirteen, she started snorting cocaine. Drew Barrymore was the official Lindsay Lohan of the 80's and 90's, but unlike that trashy ho, Drew started before birth. In 1990, she wrote an autobiography that detailed her wild pre-teen parties and told a cautionary tale about doing blow before the 7th Grade. Her book, however, doubled as a cocaine tray.

Adult Years[edit]

At age 17, Drew Barrymore finally left rehab. Seeing her body fully develop, after ten long years, she used her new found boobage to become a Professional Whore, like today's Lindsay Lohan. Drew posed in Playboy seven times in 1994 (along with Pamela Anderson posing the other five times). Steven Speilberg got all horny over his goddaughter's nudie pics.wtf

During a taping of "The Late Show with David Letterman," David Letterman's hair caught on fire under the bright lights, and so, Drew, using her superpower to squirt milk from her breasts, put the fire out. What the camera had seen though, was Drew flashing her bare breasts to Letterman. Well, needless to say, this had all of America up in a Tizzy!

This incident caused a ton of controversy throughout America, in a time, when people were actually of average intelligence and had a Christian-like level of morals. (nowadays, Americans aren't smart or thin enough to give a shit about nudity.) This "Drew flashing Letterman" incident caused the California riots of 1995, that was only settled down, and eventually ignored, by the "O.J. Simpson" thing.

However, this incident had long-reaching scars on Drew's career, that last to this day. As punishment, the State of California (and it's western island neighbor, San Andreas) had ordered Drew Barrymore to star in three bad movies to every one mediocre to good film, for the rest of her career.

Family Guy[edit]

In 2007, Drew Barrymore was finally able to do something that the majority of people care about! She was able to get a role on "Family Guy!" On the show, she plays herself, only her name is "Jillian" (for legal reasons). Her role currently requires her to come up with "memorable" Jessica Simpson-esque idiot girl quotes every episode, and to have sex with an anthropomorphic alcoholic dog named, "Brian Griffin." Drew claims to be having "the best time of my life on this show!"

Drew's Best Friends[edit]

  • Rick Salomon (sexually active with)
  • Brandon Davis (sexually active with)
  • Courtney Love (sexually active with)
  • Tom Green (sexually active with)
  • Cameron Diaz (sexually active with)
  • Lucy Liu (sexually active with)
  • David Letterman (sexually active with)
  • Adam Sandler (sexually active with)
  • Me (heavily sexually active with)
  • Jimmy Fallon (sexually active with)
  • Brian Griffin (sexually active with)
  • Condoleeza Rice (sexually active with)
  • You (sexually inactive with, never had sex with)