Drum And Bass
- Excuse me! Are you looking for Dumbass?
Drum and bass, a.k.a DnB (Drugs 'n' Bitches) is a type of music which is known for being made at around 900bpm. Drum And Bass was created accidentally in the early 1990s, when top DJ Chuffers slipped on his mixing desk at his studios in Essex and in the process sped up Céline Dion's classic track "The Hotdogs Go On", in the process single-handedly inventing Drum And Bass. DJ Chuffer also created the key element of Drum And Bass after he decided to play bass guitar through a distorted amp at breakneck speeds.
Drum and bass has created a lot of controversy in the UK press. The Daily Mail has stated that Drum and bass music is the main cause for the NHS collapse after the disease, Neurofunk peaked in the mid 1990s. The effects of the disease create a chemical imbalance in the victim's brain making them dance erratically for hours on end, in some case it has been reported that people suffering with the disease have become obsessed with flashing lights, this unfortunately was the case in the death of one young fan, who had spent several hours staring at some traffic lights in London. The fan was struck down by a truck, onlookers say the last words out of his mouth were “Jungle Iz Massive”. The originator of Drum and bass, DJ Chuffer came under attack after it was reported that he had stolen several songs from the band The Smiths and sped them up. The claims came to a head when DJ Chuffer reportedly told Morrissey to; “fuck off and stop being a twat”. Morrissey, reacting to the situation took a wild swing at DJ Chuffer, which missed. Steven Seagal, a good friend of DJ Chuffer was on scene at the time and defended his friend by punching Morrissey in the face, killing him instantly. DJ Chuffer later released a song telling of the event titled, “"Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Punched Morrissey”.
The Golden Age
Drum and bass became really popular in the mid 1990s and had some major contributors to the genre such as Goldie (who is actually made from solid gold), MC Sonny Killa (a 9 time convicted murderer) and ex-prime minister, Margaret Thatcher (who incidentally started the trend of glo-sticks) under her DJ pseudonym Margaret Scratcher - the name referring to her amazing turntablism skills.
The youth of the 1990s lived for the extreme tempos and distorted basslines pioneered by DJ Chuffer and his ilk. Nobody actually remembers much of the 1990s because everyone was on ecstacy and coke at the time. Shares in barnyard properties sky-rocketed after the “barnyard rave” was created by some drug-fuelled revellers in 1996. These late night raves would often be broken up by the Gestapo, sometimes things would get out of hand and the barnyards would be burnt to the crowd - which of course only excited the drugged-up revellers even more.
Dixons saw a massive increase in profits after it sold more than 2 million turntables in one year. Many teenagers spent time in their dingy rooms attempting to construct drum and bass anthems like the ones they had heard by DJ Chuffer and Margaret Scratcher.
The name "drum and bass” suggests that the only instruments used to create the music are in fact drums and basses. This is mostly true, but there is a third element which is frequently heard in drum and bass tunes, an element commonly dubbed “The Weird Annoying Tune”, often abbreviated to TWAT. This sound was first achieved after DJ Leather Nuts sampled the sound of a dog which had swallowed a World War 2 siren are then came out of his ass.. He slowed down the sound effect and created TWAT. DJ Hype used the his TWAT skills extensively on his drum and bass box set “TWATTY ESSENTIALS VOL24 - all the tunes you already have, but in a different order!”
Drum And Bass MCs
A key feature of the drum and bass scene are the groups of delightful young men who, when tired of blasting their mad skillz at their bathroom mirror, decide to venture out to a drum and bass rave to entertain the crowd by supporting the rather dull music with their sophisticated rhymes and texts. Drum and bass MCs are well known and liked for repeatedly asking the audience about their feelings towards the party and giving basic behaviour advice (see picture below for a practical example). By common consensus, drum and bass parties would be nothing without MCs and the world desperately needs more of them.
The Downward Spiral
Drum and bass began to decline in popularity after it was banned in the late 1990s. DJ Chuffer also died after doing a phat line of the Ebola virus in 1999 after playing a set at the Bat Cave Rave Festival. It was rumoured that pikey techno ravers teamed up with badass muthafuckers to assassinate DJ Chuffer, which never took place, as the badass muthafuckers were, in fact, too stoned to buy a gun and the ravers hugged themselves so much, that the knife was transformed into a giant unicorn which sang "Inner City Love".
Grooverider always gets 20% and will throw a bin at you otherwise.
In 2006, three aborigines were brought to England by Goldie, who shortly dubbed them “Pendulululum” and gave them a studio in Essex. Their first song, “Lemon Rings” was a chart hit which starred Fred West on vocals. A deal was made with NASA and their album was recorded on-board a satellite which orbited their egos until the album was finished, this technique was also used by Goldie on his album Saturn Returnz. Since then Pendulululum have been hailed saviours of the genre, re-inventing and morphing into a literal form of pigeon poetry.
Famous artists / DJs / MCs
- Wron-E Dyez (Feathervent)
- Tea Power
- Sir Andrew C. OBE
- Mischievous Corporation
- Dr. S. Gachet BSc MB BS DRCOG MRCGP
- dj deceased
- Ronald Mcdonald
- That guy called 808 with his Hugh Church friend
- Parkus Winter Text
- Blu Phone
The Mp3 Wars
In early 2007 the huge loss of revenues from illegal downloads finally filtered down to the once millionaires playground that is drum and bass. People started losing their jobs and record shops started closing - in an effort to save them from their fate, the altruistically-spirited ravers formed an army and declared war on all music formats except vinyl. It was a mostly wet fight; name calling, Chinese burns and dead legs were the weapons of choice. Soon, Grooverider turned up and accidentally got a slap on the thigh from John B. Grooverider promptly shut everyone down. Fabio laughed.
Recently, smaller scenes within the drum and bass community have developed and the scene as a whole has become much more fractured into specific sub-genres. The generally accepted and major sub-genres of drum and bass include:
- Ssab Dna Murd (records played in reverse)
- Semi-limp Quadruple Trianglecore
- Shitstep(or "Shit")
- Jesusjazz (Enemy genre of Judastech)
- Rum & Ass
- Stairway To boom boom
- Drum & Phatz
- Country n Bass
- Wibble (Half Semi-Subgenre of Twizzle-Bop)
- Funk n bass (e.g. Nu:tunnel, BluMariTim, TJL Fukem)
And, if you can get tickets:
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