|Thish acticle is Intoxa...Intoxo...Intox....Very Drunk...*Hic*|
Signs of Durnkness and How To Combat Them
The following are warning signs if someone close to use is engaging in online durnk activity. If you notice any of these signs, please cheer them on and give helpful pointers like "don't just say she's pretty ask her for sex", or "if she say's no then just fuck her friend that is here(you know the fat one), she's cute to you right now, right?".
- Long winded IM conversations with friends that take twenty minutes and consist solely of informing the other party how intoxicated they are.
- Long winded IM conversations with friends that aren't actually online.
- Long winded IMs with random members of the opposite sex regarding how they will "shave their booty" for $15.
- Long winded emails to casual friends describing just how much love they have for them.
- Long winded Uncyclopedia entries that are not particularly funny.
- Falling over repeatedly until being knocked unconcious.
- Saying," I love you" to everybody around.
- Hugging random inanimate objects.
- Trying your best to explain to an officer how you knocked over three telephone poles with your car.
- Going to a bar late at night and waking up at Denny's.
- Slurring you words in response to an officer's question if you had been drinking.
- Finding inanaimate objects sexually attractive.
Drunkenness in other countries
Drunk is a method of dipping chocolate-covered cake donuts into a cup of coffee that is precariously placed on the little shelf attached to your ladder, meant for cans of paint. DO NOT stand on the little shelf, especially if you have been drinking. Instead, stand on the rungs. Hence, drunk. dunk + rung = drunk.
In The UK
The lead singer of the band Coldplay demonstrates a drunken version of "Green Eyes" whilst at times rolling around amongst various band members, playing his air guitar, and proving that he is capable of singing in a deep sexy baritone capable of making a woman weak in the knees.
Wasted; fucked up. In Britain, 'badgered' may be used. Or "SHITFACED" "plastered" "bong eyed" "mushed" "Pissed as a Badger on crack cocaine" "hammered" "skull raped" Or "wankered" Or "lashed". Or "smeshed", "smashed", "rat-arsed", "wasted", "cunted", "trollied","scooped" and "melloned". "Munted" and "Mashed" and "Screwed" are other favourites ("squevvered," "quashed," "blurmied," and "arse-varsted" are not, but tell any American that they are and they'll believe you). In fact, there are probably more terms in the UK for being under the effects of alcohol than in any other English-speaking part of the World (barring Ireland, obviously). Interestingly, the term "pissed" means "drunk" in the UK (as opposed to "pissed off", which means "having an immense and irrational desire to piss from off the top of a high building", which, interestingly enough, can sometimes be caused by being pissed) - this may well have resulted in a misunderstanding which started the American Civil War. Britain's modern drinking culture has failed to better its glory days,when a dedicated puke-bucket was placed in the corner of the room to prevent guests not yet sufficiently munted from leaving early with the excuse of needing to use the toilet.
In Britain, a soberly estimated 31,785,000 people enjoy a liquid lunch three times a week. Another 8,900,500 Britons also have a liquid lunch three times a week but, for whatever reason, don't enjoy it.
There is no such thing as sobriety in Ireland, as all Irish are caught in a neverending state of drunkenness. In their native Gaelic, uisce beatha - the water of life. The Irish piss Whiskey and shit Guinness. Now in modern Ireland people as young as 11 partake in getting absolutely utterly homogenised pretty much so whenever they can. A lot of the time in fields and other such random places. On St. Patrick's Day (March 17), Irish and non-Irish alike consume enormous quantities of booze, much of it colored a lovely shade of emerald green. Much of this drinking is done to songs about drinking, like Beer, Beer, Beer (The Clancy Brothers) or Finnegan's Wake (The Dubliners), in which a drunk guy falls off a ladder, and at his funeral everyone gets drunk, starts a fight, and when a bottle of whiskey lands on the body, Tim Finnegan is revived. In Gaelic, the following terms are used to state the severity of one's drunkenness. Tá mé ar meisce means I am drunk. Tá mé ólta means I am absolutely hammered. Tá mé ar buille means I am crazy and/or angry. Such is the Irish way.
....... nothing else needs to be said really, a national hero.
If you have been drinking too much, then the paint fumes may be getting to you. Try going to Mexico and signing up for a tequila-drinking contest, the prize for which must be around $330. Place 50 shots of tequila on your little shelf. Mini donuts or holes must be used for drunking of this type. After knocking back each shot of tequila, throw a mini doughnut or doughnut hole into your paint can.
But be careful, because if you drink 50 shots of tequila, you will move beyond drunk and into paralysis and then death. But that is another issue altogether.
In the United States
Americans are responsible for 25% of alchol consumption in the whhole world. mainly rednecks who drink heavily watered down whiskey and go beat their wives. It has been speculated that the Iraq war was really a plot to secure budweiser's hops supply from the east.
In India, it is customary for the man of the house to come home and beat his wife. A wife who has not had a beating for many days usually gets worried as this signifies that her husband does not have enough money to drink. Other indulgences are allowed to drunks as per professions. Doctors can steal kidneys, policemen can rape girls, and actors can end up on MMS clips. If however, you drink and drive, be sure the mumbai police will rape you in your ass. face
In parts of northern Spain, a hard cider known as cidra is often enjoyed. The consumption of cidra is a ritual all its own. The drink is poured with an arm outstretched high over the glass, because the server has this arm condition. The drinker then consumes as much of the drink as possible in one gulp, which is not surprising given the little-known fact that rapid consumption of alcohol can lead to an often pleasant state of intoxication. However much of the drink remains at this point is dumped into a small wooden bucket, not to dispose of silt but rather to follow the local tradition of giving the customer as little of his/her money's worth as possible. This leftover cidra is not merely thrown out, however; whatever is in the bucket is donated to the poor, farm animals, hospital patients, and Americans (who are accustomed to drinking trash anyway).
In the Pagan Vastlands
Bëër is drünk äløng tø a søündträck øf Pagan fucking epic viking norse metal! Chëërs!
In Asian Countries
Asians turn from yellow skinned to red skinned when they get drunk. The main reason why is because their beer tastes horrible and is full with funky ingredients that they have to hold their breaths everytime they take a sip. Eventually they do get lightheaded and drunk quicker than everyone else.
It is said that Australians don't get drunk. This is not true. It is simply that nobody has ever seen an Australian sober (Exluding Newborn babies, but don't hold yer breath. Some of 'em are more pissed drunk than an Irishman.). Historically, in Australia, beer isn't so much a drink as a way of life. Getting drunk is considered a sport, and the bogan who manages to score with the most inanimate objects wins a prize, usually more beer. For many of Generation Y, though, mixed drinks are also the go, as the amount of mixer (cola, etc) with the spirits can be as little as zero.
The Joy Of Being An Aussie :D
Thujh 3ee ilsands uf *skull* New *burp* Zeeeeland aare *skull* atucally reaeally *burp* big beer bottlessh,*skull* in witch theyareeeeeeeeee are *skull* *burp* *skull* born, raidfsed and diei in.*skull 2 bottles at once* Thus evry nueew zeeeeeeeeeelander ish inu-a constant state offfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff *pass out* ..........
Beginning at age three, French children are fed large doses of fermented mare's milk, to which they rapidly develop a high tolerance due to generations of genetic manipulation. By the time a French citizen is twelve or thirteen, rapid cirrhotic degeneration results in the liver being surgically removed and replaced with a small electric pump, similar to those found in the bilges of many modern ships. The disused liver is ground into paste and sold to foreigners in gift baskets with small sausages and hard cheese. This pump system, or pomp de cale as it is known, is largely responsible for the Frenchman's ill-humor, general distemper and sallow complexion. It is, however, marvelously efficient at filtering the horrid sludge which passes for most French wines.
The method for proper Finnish drunkenness is very simple:
- drink everything you can find
- try to have sex with any woman in sight
- if the second point fails, find any man in sight (and there may be photographic evidence thereof)
- if the third point fails, dry-hump any inflatable dolphin in sight (just ask Kimi Raikkonen)
- if the fourth point fails and you can get a hold of a gun, shoot at least eight police officers
Known as the country with the highest alcohol intake of individuals aged (-9) to 18 the PROPER methods include:
- Drinking anything.
- Drinking anything with more than 40% alcohol.
- Drinking anything in a bottle with less than 340ml content makes you a pussy.
- Dringkening enuff to makes you talk the Inglishh very deliciouslyy!
- Drinking enough Brandy to make you understand one of the 1423945238634 x 10^x9 languages.
- "Braaing" ( a form of traditional BBQ ), smoking, swearing constantly, fucking a lion, sniffing coke, mocking Jacob Zuma ( South-Africa's alpha baboon ) and mixing a cocktail while driving 180k/h to avoid the corrupt police are seen as mediocre African skills.
All South-Africa needs is LOVE - Sold at your nearest liquor store for only R49.95 Terms and Conditions apply.
Qualities of drunk
Being drunk automagically puts you into the Plow the Bean Field and Forget Club. This club entitles the member to a raunchy night of steamy sex with the benefit of leaving the next morning. No strings, no need to pay child support. If she's at the bar, she's at least on welfare. Let Uncle Sam sort out the details.
When drunk, the "user" is allowed to scream, shout and do whatever he/she/it pleases. However, some species (read: fat girls and skinny goths sometimes cross-breed, thusly creating Staind) change genders around 1:30AM. This new species is identified by a massive spillage of "body fat" that cascades over all sides of their 4-sizes-too-small Levi jeans, a phenomenon commonly known as 'muffin-top'. The creature will assume no gender, and generally fuck anything that falls in their path - skinny cowboys, gay pimps, tables and the Book of Mormon.
How Drunks Think.
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy had some advice to offer on drunkenness: 'Go to it,' it said, 'and good luck'. "
Drunkenness is a state that many people devote a great deal of time, money and energy achieving. It takes many hours of intense self discipline to reach the lower level of consciousness that drunkenness allows. Once that level is achieved however great wisdom will follow. You will discover that the more you drink the more profound your observations will become:
- I Haven't had a c*nt all night drinkstable
- I Swear to DRUNK im not god.
- I am cool and, indeed, a sexgod
- All women are beautiful.
- All men are beautiful.
- FUK IT everything are beautiful
- Your friends are dicks BUT you love them and you would take a bullet for them. You really would.
- Working is pointless and, in fact, fuck that shit.
- Porcelain feels nice and cool and that cold food on the plate is really refreshing and comfy to rest your face on.
- Any and all chicks will have sex with me.
- Any and all men will actually notice me.
- I'm not fat, and these white tootsie rolls of mine are gripping onto the neck of this Bud Light for sheer life.
- I am the greatest singer ever. I don't need any discernable songwriting or instrumental talent, or even the ability to remember lyrics correctly, in order to perform in public; I am a music GOD.
- All trees are beautiful.
- you relies how easily ur clothes just fall off
- im like the most charming guy in the world... and i'm not even saying anything
- I can kick the ass of any man here.
- They're all just jealous of me.
- It's only a five-minute drive. I'll be fine.
- The (niggers/kikes/wetbacks/towelheads/faggots/Pittsburgh Steelers) are destroying our fucking country
- All of my Uncyclopedia edits are hilarious.
- Hey...wait...you're not my girlfriend...You're...different...than my girlfriend.
- Tom? Oh, sorry Dan, David, Gilgamesh, David, Tom. Tom. Tom. You rock man.
- Ain't life grand?
- Jesus was a man, but he was a jew. Why do we change the sign when we multiply integers?
- John Wayne is alive, a pussy, and you can take him in 4 seconds flat.
- Winston Churchill couldn't round house kick a dolphin into an orcha whale (you should definitely take your friend to bed before they die).
- Anyone want to play mario kart... naked?
- I am writing this while actually dry k. Drunk. HeH yeH. I have trivvle with the delete keyvbut spell xhukx my friend. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. I wish Jess dguuby.
- I could totally give that girl over there a handjob while simultaneously milking your pet cow for its cheese and chewing a stick of this under-table gum I just bought, and getting raped by Fergie (the girl over there in the green dress) and break up with my girlfriend while jumping off a building... ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!!
- Of course (breathmints/candy/gum/doritos/not breathing out of my mouth/this one hat i bought that one time) will eliminate the odor of chemical solvents...ill get two packs anyway.
- I'm just gonna have to eat laying down from now on.
Being Drunk is the number one cause of unexplained rug burns on the forehead.
Being drunk is the number one cause of corporate success in America. Christopher Columbus was drunk when he discovered the Netherlands in 1990.
Being drunk gives you temporary membership into the "Plow the bean and forget" club. She's ugly and she's buying YOU drinks. If she's at the bar, she's at least on welfare. Let Uncle Sam sort out the details.
Being drunk causes resentment towards bastards(the people and the device).
Drunk people are allowed to make up awesome nonsensical words and phrases such as foofoodoomdiabosticus
"I am sooo drunk"
i am drunk olololool i drinj the jon heluo lemoxn and salt.
Being drunk gives you the right to repeat, over and over, "I am sooooo fucking drunk."
Being drunk also gives you an excuse to do stupid things.
Being drunk gives you the opportunity to repeat, over and over "I don't normally drink..but..."
The mere existence of Alcohol prevents the Irish from conquering the world.
Another round is ALWAYS a good idea.
To read about the worlds most alcoholic people see your mom man and i am so fucckking drunk right now yo I just got back fro this jam and I'j so fucked I think i head vodka and beber lol im'm very drunk right now
Getting pulled over while being drunk is well uh.... pretty bad and your pretty much off to jail.
Several rounds and guns don't mix, or do they?
A celebration always calls for a drink, but in this day and age what doesn't?
The Irish already conquered the world, and kept it for 5 minutes, but you were all too drunk to notice. or was that me?
Funny story about becoming drunk
She who must be obeyed entered the workshop tonight, ostensibly to tell me about something wonderful on QVC. She found me having a quiet but minor nip of the 'other' contents of the workshop.
I had eighteen bottles of whisky in my workshop and was told by SWMBO to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink. Or else...
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle, and poured the whiskey down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink, and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass, bottled the drink and drank the poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which were 29, as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I’m not under the afluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
Being Durnk On Instant Messenger
Tehre's a few times when I wuld get on the internets and i wuold IM my friends and tel them how durnk I m. IOt wouild go sometrhing like thtis:
DrunkGuy01:eh hem...OMG MSN! no one told me i was on msn!! dude this is aweeesommmeee! i am sooo gonna use this to save the world. like that time i nailed jesus back on his cross after those idiots put him in a cave! lol, they were so dumb. GAH! chickencow disease in my EYES GOD HELP ME I'M BLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN d!!! oooh a robot hi mr robot please don't burn my eyes out!! OOOOOOOOOOH can i be a doggie now mannnnnn!! OMG I LUUUURVE YOU! fuck me! seriously i wanna- i wanna have you in my pannnnts!! DO ME. DO ME DO ME DO ME!! HAHAHA i own you!! you know i'm the best dude you know it and so does that jesus dude he like totally watsed your ass jemhdcijhcksdjn uhoiejhvn hhahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha i made aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnt!
AnnoyedFriend365: Ermmmmmm....Can i buy some pot from you?
DurnkGuy01: Heye man! OMG im so wasteded!
AnnoyedFriend365: Oh. Hey. Great. This should be a fun conversation.
DurnkGuy01: Do u Likee CORN CJHIPS? I LOoOOOOOVE COrn CJHIPS!
Sometmes I woulld get online and look fopr my ex girlderiend nd talk too her:
DurnkGuy01: Lisa? iss that u online? SoberExGirlfriend: What the fuck, Doug? I thought I had you blocked? DurnkGuy01: Lisa u bitch wht did yu brek up with meeeeeeeee?
Being Durnk and Sending Emails
Being Durnk is a relly good time to send emailsd. Especiluy in regaards to emplyerment. I wrote thus email to my old bods at LKmart.
Dear Tony, I am writing you int ragards to ypour recent termination of me from working in the back troom at Kmart. I lbeive I was a evetry goofd wanker and that I dsrserve a second chanmce. Just because i hgot caufght slteaing and drinking whisker on the job is NOT A VALID REASON FOR FIRING SOMEONE I THINK! Please reconsider and call me thankly ou very much. Love, Doug
Being Durnk and Editing Uncyclopedia
Sadly, a small but prevalent population of people, when drunk, choose not to engage in fulfilling activities like socializing with friends, watching a live show, self-urination, or yelling. Even given these easily accessible options for a good time, they instead choose - usually even willingly - to sit at home and edit Uncyclopedia.
While this is no doubt debilitating to these sad, unfortunate souls and to their loved ones (wait - they have loved ones?!), it also affects the quality of the Uncyclopedia articles that you, the fellow loser with nothing better to do at the moment, must endure. For instance, an entry wrought with gross misspellings, typos, and improper capitalization, is a sad, sad fact of Uncyclopedia, but intentional gross misspellings, typos, or improper capitalzation, in the name of delivering a joke about drunkenness that's been done since Archimedes' invention of booze in 220 BC, is no less tragic.
These poor, lonely, pathetic bastards, many of whom may never experience the joy of sexual intercourse, need your help. Please donate to the Leonard Nimoy Memorial Rehabilitation Center for Perpetual 13-Year-Olds. We need your help now more than ever, since we do not presently exist.
The morning after
- Have a "hair of the dog".
If a woman
- Think about having a "Morning After Pill"
If a man
- Be A Man!