Dunfermline

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“I was mildly amused by Dun Roamin', but what the heck is a Fermline?”

~ Noel Coward on Dunfermline

Dunfermline is a Designated Joke Town which was built as the result of a bet between Winston Churchill and David Lloyd George in 1924. Churchill famously bet Lloyd George he couldn't build an average working class town in 5 days flat, using only Lego bricks and marmite. Lloyd George won the bet, building the town in only 3 hours and 46 mins. Churchill was so furious that he passed an Act of Parliament which declared Dunfermline to be a "national joke", in an attempt to mock Lloyd George's efforts. Dunfermline is now the only designated joke town in the UK, and it has become one of the top holiday destinations in the U.K. The borders of Dunferline are protected by a pack of wild savages("Neds") that have migrated from the jungles of Glasgow.

Built somewhere in a field in Fife between an Asda and some subsiding disused coal mines (that's the excuse for lack of development, nothing to do with the folk of Crossford just a mile away of course), it claims to be a magical city and even boasts it's very own fairytale castle to prove it. Sadly though, Dunfermline has failed in its bid to have The town seems to be labouring under the impression that it has a future because it has a past. Recent innovations include an extension to the nearly moribund "shopping centre" AKA the Graveyard of Shops. Taking up decent road surfaces to replace them with Olde Worlde cobbles have resulted in possibly some of the worst town centre streets in Scotland when it gets wet. A town (NOT city) that died 15 years ago, but doesn't realise it yet.

Wellwood Civil War (WCW)[edit]

Recently Dunfermline has been savaged by the effects of the Wellwood civil war between the Dunfermline loyalist party (DLP) and the Separatist Koka Noodle Party (SKNP) . The Separatists want to split from Dunfermline and form their own country, top of their policy list is an economic stimulus package of 7 pounds 28 pence, this package is hoped to bring in another 1,000 jobs in the koka noodle import and export business. So far the Wellwood shop has remained intact and the rat prostitution trade, which provides 64% of Wellwoodian national income, has managed to stay afloat, however the M.O.T garage has shut down putting almost two wellwoodians out of work. Local Businessman and connoisseur of the toolbox, Barry 'Big Time' Macguire, had this to say: "meh meh meh meh argh argh argh".

Music Scene[edit]

Dunfermline's music scene consists of car and house alarms going off simultaniously as the local junkies try to steal some stuff to flog in cash generator for a quick fix. Also Montys and tuesdays at PJs showcase the most god awful shit bands that the earth has ever seen and due to evil promoters who are just in it for a quick buck there is no quality control therefore this shit is allowed to go on, and it has gone on long enough. some one bring me my gun.

Local Sports[edit]

The Teens of Dunfermline all participate in the contest "Who can be the youngest parent?" This is quite a popular sport THE RULES: 1. You must be at least 9 years old 2. You must not plan on getting a job. The Government will actually GIVE you money for nothing.

The Winner (that has the most children) will receive regular money from the government and a deluxe apartment in 'Abbeyview' - a select suburb of Dunfermline surrounded by meadows, rivers and the Tryst Centre.

Another favourite is "who can get the drunkest on Buckie?" The winner gets a free ride to Queen Margaret Hospital to get their stomach pumped, or to get the injuries accrued from accidents or fights attended to. As a bonus prize, they get to attend the local sheriff court on Monday as star turn.

Don't forget motor sports. Some evenings the local boy racers congregate in the main car park, admiring each other's cr*ppy custom modifications. They then run about the streets with their sound systems on full blast, not realising that the systems produce more power than their engines (hole drilled in exhaust so they sound powerful) These cars only seem to have a first and second gear (a manufacturer's option for the Fife market).

Election Results in Recent By-Election[edit]

  • The Turkeys Voting for Christmas Party: 53%
  • The Embittered Former Miner's Party: 22%
  • Gregor McCreadie (LOCAL MAN) Is a bit of an arse!!! (100%)
  • BNP: 12%
  • I Hate Thatcher Alliance:11%
  • I love Thatcher Alliance:12% (Father James Reekie stood as leader)
  • Abbeyview Independence Party: 1.999999999999999%
  • Bob Monkhouse is Still Alive, the Truth Must be Told Campaign: 0.000000000000001%
  • Faux Fife Speakers Society: 17% Ya ken min.

The irony of this is, There was no By-Election