Dungeons and Dragons
Dungeons and Dragons, originally titled Dorks and Dice, was developed in 1974 by Gary Gygax when he was really drunk and driving home from a whack ass/arse panty raid. After crashing his bad ass/arse Harley motorcycle into some college or something he met some lame ass/arse nerds. These nerds, having forsaken the sweet, velvety touch of babes, had resorted to the hard, sharp-edged caress of various dice of strange and exotic shapes. Gary, in seeing this pathetic display of losers of all types, decided to teach them how to score with women in a way they could understand: through a game. The original goal of Dungeons and Dragons was to score with as many tavern wenches as possible in thirty minutes. Gary played the first Dungeon Master (then known as the Bad Ass/Arse Cleavage Monster In Charge) in his fruitless attempt to teach these kids how to love. The nerds, as usual for their level of wussery, were more interested in the orcs and the rad loot than in the bulging elven bosoms Gary so painstakingly described. In a drunken fit of rage, Gary busted the table up and got out of there, exclaiming "all of you nerds can suck it!" as he left. Without Gary at the helm, the game turned into the impotent, lifeless, sex-free nerdfest now known by jocks across the world as they follow Gary's wishes, busting up any nerds they find playing the pathetic shadow of the original game.
The current version of D&D is 4.01.d6+3c (revised). In May 2007, Dungeons and Dragons publisher, Wizards of the Coast, announced that a new addition would be released within the year. When asked why, the CEO responded, "I need new shoes for my hands" and began doing the hula in a wacky fashion. The current ownership of the game and their insatiable thirst for profits has squeezed out all the love from this game, compared to the original publisher, They Sue Relentlessly (TSR) Inc.
D&D and Satanic Worship
Dungeons and Dragons was first suspected to contain Satanic references during an interview with Gary Gygax, the game's inventor. He was asked by Jerry Falwell, on the talk show, I Said Good Day Sir, if D&D contained such references. Gygax responded "Hey, if you played such a boring game for so long, you'd put satanism in it too, fo' shizzle!", and immediately reported that the quote was taken way out of context.
This vague and often misquoted reply was twisted by the media to suggest that there was a connection between Satanic worship and role-playing games [shifty eyes] [knowing wink] [stir the cauldron some more]. The people who play this game are often virgins who live with their mom. To address the evils of financially supporting foul companies and products, Satan-hating soccer moms across the world bought thousands of dollars of RPG merchandise for the purposes of burning it. Anticipating these actions, Satan put a demon into each item of merchandise, which was released into the world when the item was burned. Many reported it to be "a waste of good loot," and inhaled so much lead from burning the original-formulation lead miniatures in fundamentalist Christian censorship-bonfires that their IQs lost a digit, their church attendance increased and they were driven to burn even more D&D paraphernalia.
Evangelicals claim that this game was first created to distract American soldiers and return them to the devil-worshiping ways most people abandon in the fifth grade. Last year, the Israeli Defense Force adopted Dungeons and Dragons as their official training mechanism, in lieu of more traditional methods such as Playstation.
Gary Gygax was considered the United States of America's second most dangerous Satanist prior to his death. He then graduated to being the most dangerous Satanist in the US. This title belonged, before his death, to Bob Hope.
Such geniuses, such as Jack Chick, can't stand D&D, as it encourages such practices as Buddhism and homosexuality. In his epic tale Dark Dungeons, he tells the gruesome story of a girl called Sharon who plays D&D. After tapping into dark spirits, she learns how to use magic to make even more MOOLAH selling herself on eBay. It's based on a true story and Sharon really does exist. Don't fall for her evil spells, you poor FOOL! SHE DOESN'T HAVE PRETZELS OR A SISTER, but she does have a penis, SO RUUUUN YOU FOOLS!
Some say the obsession with dissing Dungeons & Dragons ultimately stems from the fact that J.R.R. Tolkien was not only Catholic, he had converted to Catholicism, and from then on wore wicked horned hats and exuded a powerful fried-fish odor on Friday evenings, raising the ire of fundamentalist Christians who, decades later, targeted fantasy-fiction roleplaying by extension, for there is nothing they like more than keeping 300-year-old hatreds alive.
The Typical D&D Player
It is a common misconception that D&D players are nerds with no lives who cannot possibly get a date even if they rolled a "natural 20." However, the truth is that they are nerds with no lives who cannot possibly get a date even if they rolled a "natural 20" on a six-sided die (However, given the incredible wrist finesse and power of the average nerd from years of daily masturbation, rolling a 20 on a six-sided die is not outside of the realm of possibility). What most people don't see -- because they are too busy on the floor laughing to get a good look -- are the actual traits to their unique character.
The typical player has what they call a 'character.' However, most people assume this to be an avatar to compensate for what they don't have, most commonly angst (why they would desire that, scientists have yet to figure out). These 'characters' actually reflect the mind of the creator. As in, if their character is an elven mage that talks amazingly intelligently, and is very witty and attractive, the player is most likely a bumbling idiot. Interestingly, a study in the New England Journal of Medicine found a strong negative correlation between a player's score, in terms of experience points, and their ability to actually score with members of the opposite sex.
They use these 'characters' to go on 'quests' to receive 'loot.' These 'quests' are tasks that the DM (Dead Moose) sends the characters on for the sole purpose of them getting their asses/arses handed to them, a total party kill, waste time, and for the DM to become full of himself.
The DM, commonly referred to as the 'Dungeon Master,' is worshipped as a god among players (which gives the game its satanic misconceptions). This is because the DM sets up vivid though nerdy and formulaic stories in their minds, and so the players lose interest in conventional entertainments such as television and sneaking a peek at the girls' shower-room. This causes the players to treat the Dungeon Master like he's the only X-Box 360 console on a desert island full of lame video-game arcades where the upright machines haven't been replaced in 25 years (see Neo Geo). Everyone knows deep down inside them, that a) their lives are actually run by the DM and b) the DM has the intelligence score equal to that of a dead moose (another reason Gary Gygax choose the letters D and M for the abbreviation). The players are not the only ones that see the DM as a god. He too thinks of himself as a deity, and will occasionally commit suicide in the middle of a session in order to free himself from his flesh, so that he may rise up to the heavens and command the universe; when in reality, he is just a little too angsty for the rest of the group, and he is murdered in such a way that even if they rolled a one on their bluff checks to the police, the police would still think it was a suicide.
Dungeons and Dragons is a game made up of entirely in your imagination. The game itself can be whatever the players make of it, as you have the ability to go wherever you want to go, talk to whichever people you wish to, and act in any type of way you would like to. There is however, a "Dungeon Master" (sadomasochistic sex often involving cows in leather may or may not be a part of the role depending on how deep the DM gets into it), who ultimately decides what is feasible in the game, and who tries to keep the games pace moving along. You may find that most Dungeon Masters have a God/Hitler complex. But that's okay, because most players have a worshipper/Poland complex. Generally, when there is inappropriate interaction by the players, the Dungeon Master depending on the person, must make the call on how to deal with it, his word being FINAL! If the players try to protest, the action stops, like a movie in the 1900's after the movie-cranker decides to go on strike.
As with any type of pencil and paper RPG, the game itself can be played by any age group wishing to be nerds/adventurers/heroes/goat fuckers. Themes can vary on sex content from each group that plays the game. However, it is important to note that the true intricacies and "truths" of D&D are ultimately unknown. No-one has actually managed to complete a full game, with most games coming to an eventual end with an insane and heated argument after the guy next to you is adamant that he wants to role play fucking that dragon in the ass/arse (your mother playing the part of the dragon). Some games incorporate the classic "Rocks fall! Everybody dies!" scenario, but this does not, in fact, count as a real ending to the game. (That's because D&D-players are notorious for being able to get their rocks off.) Players who claim to have seen the real end are either WRONG or LYING, the latter case likely meaning they are probably evil lizardy spies sent from the high towers of the company that makes D&D to convince fans that the game doesn't, contrary to popular opinion, ruin lives utterly and completely.
You see, most DM's do not have the authority required to rule over the team. They dither before banishing that freaky freak person to the high seas of Shabarobs and ultimately think they are far better than they really are. The best DM ever was in fact Joseph Stalin, who achieved such great authority through convincing himself that his whole life was essentially a game of D&D with him as the DM. His dominion was brought to an abrupt end by Hillary Clinton, who hired the Japanese to build a giant Hentai Cock Robot to rape him harder than OJ Simpson likely raped the body of his wife after he killed her. She was wrongly convinced that she was the better DM and later completely fucked up her husband's presidency as a result of this belief.
Dice Stacking and the Effects it has on a Dungeon Master
Dice stacking has often been called the worst crime in roleplaying history. This is because it can often cause the Demi-god Dungeon Master great amounts of pain. He will cry out random obscenities, slit his wrists and lock himself in a dice box. It will also give him immense pleasure similar to that of an orgasm, so intense that other Dungeon Masters can hear his screams miles way. Bill Oddie has described it as something similar to the mating call of a North Eastern Walrus. A similar effect to dice stacking can be achieved through entering the naughty cube. A means by which player characters can transport themselves to another plane of existance where their actions cannot interfere with everyone's enjoyment. Requesting to enter the naughty cube more than once in a session will cause the Dungeon Master's head to asplode but just before the moment of his death he will have the most intense pleasurable feeling ever experienced by a Nerd similar to the feeling that a normal person has during intercourse.
Spinning is even better, in some ways, than stacking. A player of many years will be able to spin a d4 on its point.
A Brief Overview on the Game Play
For those of who don’t know what exactly Dungeons & Dragons is, it’s probably best to just say that it’s a game that just basically requires you, the player. No plugs or outlets needed. (If you were invited to a gaming session and such things were needed for a game that would require just your imagination, GET OUT.
One person, the Dungeon Master (DM), (Sweet name… lolz) sets up the adventure for his friends to follow. He writes up this adventure, and the game is then played out using just paper, pencil, and various sided dice. You roll a die based on mind-bendingly complicated printed rules to decide an outcome of an event, and your imagination takes care of the graphics. And… that’s it. Nothing else. Nothing more is needed to play this game. Just the Dungeon Master and the character and species of your choice that you created, like Briglok, the Ork, Dirk, the Knight, Manaray, the Wizard, or Mark Foley, the Cave Dweller to thwart the demons in the dragon’s lair. As one can imagine, this game is very intense on numerous levels, such as boredom. Oscar Wilde plays a variant of D&D that has less to do with ginormous reptiles or dark subterranean chambers, and more to do with huffing the DM's kitten.
The plot quality in a typical D&D game is far below TV series like Firefly or Babylon 5, and even below Two and a Half Men. Character goals are simple and reflect the urge for male teenagers to amass power and influence in a mythical world, instead of the real world where they have none. Within this mind-set, it doesn't take much effort for a DM to study a little dice arithmetic, dredge up vague memories of Grade 5 Creative Writing class through the half-remembered haze of a glue-sniffing habit, and entertain his fellow geeks. Dungeons & Dragons is 100% fan pandering, or even Fan service without the sex.
You need a lot of rulebooks to play this game. Or else just kick the shit out of the other damn nerds around you and score a defacto win. Occasionally, remembering a rule buried on p. 392 of the third rules supplement will promote your character's aims more thoroughly than a threat to withhold the Mountain Dew from your mom's fridge.
- Strength (STR): Strength measures how strong you are, how hard you can hurt someone, and how many books you can carry at once. It can also be used if you want to throw or break an object or another creature. A Str of zero means you have total muscular dystrophy, or are a tree, or Rihanna. A Str of 18 means you win muscleman contests, and can bitch-slap Rihanna. Get in line.
- Dexterity (DEX): You can use dexterity to aim properly when throwing things, to dodge attacks, and all sorts of other stuff. Also aids in masturbation. A Dex of zero means you are Stephen Hawking. A Dex of 18 means you can shoot the testicle off a pixie with an arrow from 200 yards away. The left testicle...
- Constitution (CON): Constitution is used to make sure that you are not deprived of any basic rights. It is also used to make sure that you don't get sick, to withstand poison, for physical endurance (such as staying up all night to play this game), and to get bonus hit points. (Note: If your level is negative, then you will lose hit points from having a high Constitution instead. Fortunately, nobody has ever seen a character with a total level number which is negative.) A Con of zero means you are dead. Or undead. Or a construct. Or Patrick Swayze. A Con of 18 means you can wade around on the frozen, bleak 612th Level of Hades in a pool of liquid ammonia sucking on a popsicle made from arsenic and habanera peppers, and ask for seconds.
- Intelligence (INT): Intelligence is book learning and brain power. Characters with more intelligence can learn more skills, and languages, and can understand complicated mathematics, and don't need the DM to repeat themselves over and over again. If your intelligence is high enough, you might have enough brain power that you can even explode things without having to move anything to do so. An Int of zero means you are a tree, or George W. Bush. An Int of 18 means you can figure out how to unscramble a Rubik's Cube you have never personally seen, just from a blind itinerant cobbler's account of the way it smelled.
- Wisdom (WHIZ): Wisdom is about stuff that cannot be learned from a book (although, you might need wisdom to realize the Bible is bullshit and stuff, it isn't absolutely necessary). Wisdom also lets you know where to look and what to hear even when nobody is talking. Wisdom is also important to understand religion perfectly, although nobody can really have enough wisdom to understand religion perfectly. Even if you don't have enough wisdom, you can still pretend to be wise: When someone asks you a question, don't answer them, just smile and nod your head (aka the Ronald Reagan Gambit). A Wis of zero means you are catatonic, or George W. Bush. A Wis of 18 helps you to intuitively determine where to place your hand so you can grab the biggest slice of pizza as soon as the DM's mom opens the box.
- Charisma (CHA CHA): Charisma describes your personality, and possibly your looks. Charisma is what allows you to glide though life getting other people to do all your work for you. A Cha of zero means you are autistic, or George W. Bush. A Cha of 18 means Brad Pitt loses out to you in casting for movie roles, and gets a consolation role as the loveable homeless guy who dispenses romantic advice.
- Height: Height dictates how tall your character is. Many characters use this as their 'dump' stat, which is why you see so many hobbits and dwarves around in Dungeons and Dragons. A height of zero means that you don't exist, or that you're Gary Coleman. A Height of 20 or more means that you are a Balrog and probably shouldn't be playing as a player-character.
- Stat X: Nobody really knows what Stat X is, but it seems to be very important. It may be the most important stat of all of them. So if you have one high number, spend it on Stat X! (You won't see stat X mentioned in the Dungeons And Dragons books. This is because Stat X is a secret, and they don't want you to know about it.) Too much Stat X will make underwear and dishcloths stick to your dress-pants when taking them out of the dryer.
Given the fondness of the average D&D player for academics, is it really a surprise that they want to do more school shit?
- Fighters: This is the noob class, where you get big fucked up guys on steroids with massive swords and low intelligence. They typically think that you float on acid. Noobs. Also the class best suited for non-nerds to play, because face it, you guys really don't have the creativity or intelligence to handle wizard battles with us, now do you?
- Monk: They can fight with their hands - known for kick-assery/arsery and over-poweredness. This class is the least common but the most powerful, go figure.
- Barbarians: Barbarians like to yell really loud and are even noober and stupider than fighters (in that they can't read, mostly), having taken even more powerful steroids. A "special" kind of warrior that you can only find in the wilderness. They like to bash people's heads in even harder than fighters. They can also run faster. Why choose fighter when you can choose barbarian? Oh right, feats. Feats pwn everyone.. Silly me. Fighters have more feats! I will stick to that claim.
- Rangers: A pussy class that thinks it's cool to take out enemies with arrows, and then run away because they're scared their mums will tell them off. Alternatively, they think that fighting with two weapons is more awesome, because they get to whack people with two swords instead of just one. Anyone who plays a ranger is probably also a king-in-exile with a legendary broken sword.
- Paladins: Doped up people that believe they've seen a god, and must spread the word by bashing people's heads in, because that's what peace-loving god would tell them to do, isn't it? Their main ability is based on smiting evildoers, but for some reason they don't get to do it much. They also get a few spells, a weak turn undead, and a bit of healing. All in all, a distinct improvement from fighters.
- Knight: Kinda like paladins but without the god stuff. They also have more hp and armor than paladins, but no spells. Why choose them? So you can do nothing all adventure and just take hits. What other games allow that, I wonder?
- Crusader: Kinda like knight but with less armor and hp. They have these things called stances which are supposed to be sorta like spells but not really. They're really not worth mentioning. It's considered unwise to multi-class crusader and paladin simply for RP purposes, even though this combination can pwn fighters.
- Whirling Dervish: If you choose this class, you become a crazy dervish that loves to whirl around whilst masturbating. Your bedroom has mysterious white stalactites which grow out of the walls sideways. People who choose this class must convince the DM (through cajoling and pleading) that it'll help in combat somehow. If it does, then they're hands down the best class of all for twinking - that is, if you browse the WoTC boards for 30 hours speccing all the appropriate feats here and there and multiclassing at least 4 other base classes and 8 prestige classes.
- Chuck Norrises: If you play this class, you automatically win. You can kill 5.2 million enemies at once with one swift roundhouse kick to the head, while the rest die from the mind blowing experience of seeing you in action. Dm's tried to ban this class from the game but were subsequently roundhouse kicked off of multistory buildings by the players who played as Chuck Norrises. Unless someone summons Bruce Lee from the dead. Then he will crush you, even if you roll a natural 30.
- Soccer Fan: These characters have no social skills except shouting very loudly, and are only literate enough to write large cardboard signs. However, they can be very fearsome if their enemies are wearing a different coloured jersey.
- Movie/Video Game/Song: This group currently has limited popularity among D&D players. While the X-box video game "Warriors" was quite popular with D&D players around the mid-2000s, the movie of the same name has not been a popular choice since the 70s, and the Pat Bennetar song (or however you spell her damn name) since the 80s.
- Wizards: Another pussy class chosen by nerds who want to think that they have actual power. They are strange loners who like wearing long cloaks and getting boys into their cars. They fire magic missiles and fireballs at everyone, including their party. They are all gay and fuck other members of their party in their sleep with a Dildo +5.
- Clerics: Also known as "Heal-Bitches." 'Nuff said.
- Druids: When players got fed up with Batman dominating the game, WotC created Druids to counteract him. Druids have an animal companion that fights as well as a regular warrior, can change into an animal that fights as well as a normal warrior, and can blow people up as well as a wizard. Marketed as a "buy one, get two free!" deal.
- Warlocks: The ultimate in angst style classes. STAY AWAY AT ALL COSTS. Seriously, these guys are creepy. They love to spam hellditch blast, a maneuver invented by some dude lying in a ditch in the afterlife plane of hell. Warlocks know how to perform this maneuver endlessly as they have consulted with dark beings. In other words, they can suck at will. If you want to do that, you might as well be a fighter. Basically they have been made mainstream classes for 4.0 so Wizards can attract WoW nerds who now can fap in the same room as their "friends" and not just over the interwebs.
- Sorcerer: Even more nooby than the wizard. Great for if you want to cast all the spells wizards can cast but without having to study all day, or write all day, or have any sort of intelligence. Sorcerers also tend to be very attractive to the opposite sex and will typically get laid along with bards while the other members can do nothing but commit suicide when there's no adventurin' to be done. Sorcerers alternatively "negotiate" with NPCs, also known as ripping the NPCs off, and are burned as devil worshipers by the same NPCs, probably because they didn't want to be ripped off anymore. Go figure.
- Rogues: Weird people who also wear long cloaks, but use it to show they can look cool, because they are not. They have a tendency to backstab the enemies, take their gold, and run away before their party members can torture them; then turn around and backstab them all at the same time. Rogues need a lot of equipment for when the rob people, and it includes: Grappling hook; loot bag; dagger; strap-on dildo; tactical nuke. They're the best to class to backstab their teammates with. In D&D online, you're not cool unless you backstab your group. Everyone hates them but pretty much needs them because their wizard is always too much of a noob to open doors/climb/untie rope/make shit/reconfigure the nether for them.
- Bards: The only way to score with a girl (at least in-game). Suck so much in everything so that they become the best, since bestness is not a line from worst to best, it's more of a circle, and if you go to far in one side, you end up in the end of the other, and the bard sucks so much that he ends up at "The Best", if that makes sense at all. Bards can do anything, since they are Jackasses/Jackarses of All Trades, but performing music and being social are their specialties. (it's a Fantasy game, being social and popular is more unrealistic then magic for nerds.) In addition, female Bard characters get bonuses to their perform checks if they don't wear underwear or clothes and masturbate (latter optional). Typical bard instruments are the glass harmonica, Theremin, and the one-man band. Bards would be a lot better if they had electric guitars, but unfortunately those don't exist in the middle ages, so like you can't rock out or anything. Sucks!
- Ninjas: Everyone wants to be them. Except people who haven't heard of them, and they usually choose to be rogues. Ninjas can turn invisible right in front of their enemies, leap really really far, and throw shit really fast - as long as they are the only ninja in view. They have many many skill points and more hit points then rogues, and are pretty much all around uber. Unless you want to toss spells everywhere or pretend to be all buff, this class is your best bet. Strangely enough, in Japanese, the word "ninja" actually means "pedophile", explaining a lot about their legendary talents centered around climbing trees and buildings at night in dark clothes.
- Sexard: Half-naked woman usually played by the fat lonely nerd who wants people to look at him, these are very commonly found in video games. The succubus is the worst race to choose in combination with this class.
(more will be added)
- Commonly referred to as The Turk. this class is unattainable through normal means. It has been referred to as "the Arcane Asymptote" by its original player, whose name is unknown. Playing this class grants immunity to Disease (especially when partied with the Hooker class) and Stuns. The racial enemy for this class is the Reisz, which is a primitive humanoid monster that usually dwells in caves, rarely venturing out to the sun (it will not attack females, for it does not know what they are). When approached, it will constantly badger the player with unending insults, often involving the player's maternal parent, or their comparative genital size. The Turk receives an exclusive mount called The Turkmobile, which guarantees "satisfaction" when partied with the Hooker class (provided that both players are mounted on it).
- Class where you learn how to effectively wear armor. On average your armor class is number 10, but you may get more marks over time. Dexterity can also improve your armor class as well.
- The so-called working classes, the heart of any good communist-oriented Presidential children's song, who will one day join together in a mighty uprising to wipe out the oppressive bourgeoisie, or at least wipe out their toilets for minimum wage for the next 40 years until retirement. It has been observed that few D&D players actually choose to be proletariats (Cho Seung-hui notwithstanding), as their one saving grace for getting some pink when they become adults is that they can earn assloads/arseloads of money writing computer shit and hacking into banks and shit like that.
- With a Frenchie name like that, you knew it had to be snobby, stale cheese eating bastards who piss away money at every turn. This class meets on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 12-1 in Strather Hall. Available for spring semester enrollment only. Please note: As of the 4th Edition D&D rules, in the spirit of universal brotherhood, faggots can now be members of any class, and are no longer restricted to the bourgeoisie. So watch your ass/arse (literally) if your character gets below 0hp and lays unconscious for a while before getting healed- that cleric may be waiting to bugger you when the paladin steps out of the room to take a whiz.
The Bourgeoisie are often identified with the "Level 0" characters who populate a town, run the inns, run the weapon and armor-shops, earn gobs of cash the slow, safe and reliable way selling stuff to adventuring geeks, and who marry the most beautiful women in the village because of all the opportunities to court them daily as opposed to those absent crazed loons out in the wilderness for three weeks at a time following rumors of a dungeon hoard, with no company but each other during those dark, lonely moonlit and wolf-howl-filled nights. The bourgeoisie fear and shun adventure as risky and dangerous and so never go up in level, and their only exposure to armor-class is to figure out what size of shell cracker to use to crack lobster shells. They happily have many, many children, whereas the only experience the players have with reproduction is a late-night run to the Kinko's to photocopy more character-sheets.
- Grues are often referred to as the most unbalanced class of the game. When the player is in at least 4d6 (whatever that means) photons of darkness, he or she may make a free 'grue chomp' touch attack. A touch attack requires 46 dice rolls, effectively putting the game on pause while you wait for your Dungeon Master to find his 56-Sided dice. Origin of the word "gruesome".
Your character must have an alignment. There are 4 alignments to choose from: Left, Center, Right, Justify. Any can be done at the dealership where you purchased your car, or by that sketchy fucker over on 3rd and Elm for $20.
Left means that the government does everything. Right means that the government doesn't do everything. Center is in between. Justify means that you can do whatever you want, as long as you are justified in your actions. The best of these is obviously Justify, by simply not understanding anything that you do, anything can be done. Case in point: Muslim extremists. Some more advanced players can also accomplish this by using their Bull Shit skill. Case in point: Politicians .
(Note: In 4th edition, they replaced the 4 alignment system to 3 alignment system. The 3 alignments to choose from in 4th edition are: Good, Bad, Ugly. This is obviously a very stupid way to do it. That is one reason why the *REAL* D&D players don't play 4th edition.)
If you can cast a magic spell then you have to memorize spells in order to do anything. These are some of the most basic spells you can find in the game:
- Aspergify: Available even to the most basic of players, this spell is how players "recruit" new players to the game.
- Memorize Spell: This spell lets you memorize this spell when it is cast.
- Page Ripper: You can rip pages that you don't like from the rulebook.
- China: This spell teleports you to China. If you can speak Chinese or otherwise have a way to communicate with the people there, you can ask them to bring you back to where you were before.
- Fireballs: A very powerful spell that does exactly what it says on the tin. Also what happens when you smear Icy Hot on your scrotum.
- Typowritor: If you cast this spell, you can select another spell and change the effects so that letter "e" is now "o" and "o" is now "e".
- Herrrr Derrrr: Gives you special handi-cap rules.
- Wisdom of the Profits: This spell increases your Wisdom score by $100.00. After 20 microseconds the spell wears off.
- Intelligence of the Idiots: Your Intelligence score is increased by "duhhhh............" for a duration of 5 minutes.
- Dexterity of the You: Sets your Dexterity score equal to your Dexterity score.
- Soviet Russian Magics: In Soviet Russia, spell casts YOU!!
- Tasha's Hideous Daughter: This spell makes the most hideous daughter you have ever seen, the one your mother wanted you to date but you don't want to.
- Read Common: Allows you to read the common language that anyone can read anyways.
- Psychoanalyze Without Error: Zo, ven dit you shtop lofink your mutter?
- Mail of the Banshee: Victim gets letter saying "Waaaaaahh..."
- Turn Undead: Forces one undead creature within range to turn around. If they are intelligent undead, they might then decide to turn around again so they are facing you again, if they are trying to catch you.
- Chuck Norris's Fury: You automatically win.
- I Quit: Can only be cast by DM, kills all players instantly and usually with little or no explanation.
- Odiluke's Stinkpalm: Can only be cast by the most despicable chaotic-evil 36th level mages, and that jackass/jackarse kid back in your 3rd grade social studies class. Material components- sweat from the ass/arse of the caster. It causes a horrific stench of repulsion worse than any known gaseous cloud spell, inflicted upon 1-4 recipients by a handshake with the caster. Additionally, a saving throw must be rolled or the recipient catches a randomly determined communicable disease.Horrible. Truly.
- Fredrick's jagged beer bottle: Allows you to summon a broken, pointy bottle. This is a spell often neglected, because it requires spell level 8, at which point you can get asplode anyway.
- Githyanki Go Home: Rids your country of infidel imperialistic troops.
In 4th edition it is not required to memorize spells. The side-effect of not having to memorize spells is devil worship.
In Soviet Russia, spells memorize YOU!
- When faced with a critical decision in life D&D players roll a d20 and decides what to do after roll.
- Players sometimes throw a d4 at other players during down time because they become bored.
- Rarely players have been known to bet on a roll of a d20 while LARPing.
- When a Nerd is found to be by himself he will just roll d20 to see what to do next.
- For a Nerd to ask out a non-nerd girl he must roll at least 300 on 15d20.
- The DM rarely does anything except make up stuff and replenish the Hot Pockets
- There has been three deaths relating to D&D, five of which were thought to be suicide from feelings of complete gayness.
- D&D was created by two people who were experimenting with a mixture of cough medicines.
- The D&D Core Rulebook is sometimes actually the Communist Manifesto and/or Mein Kampf in disguise.
- Most people who play D&D never score with a girl, in real life or in the game.
- It is impossible to 'win' at D&D. Your character will die eventually no matter what you do.
- The most famous DM of all time is Jimmy Wales.
- D&D is highly addictive; withdrawal symptoms include rolling 4d6 in your sleep.
- Banned in Utah.
- Most players rolled a critical miss on life.
- Playing D&D might cause you to take 2d4 non-lethal damage from wedgies.
- It is almost impossible to break addiction. One reason is because now there is a D&D online computer game. Thus making it even harder to quit because when someone finds themselves alone and with no one to play with. They just hop onto their computer and boot up their D&D storm reach account. Another reason is that Sony is supposedly going to have a version on their PSP and said version will include the Yellow Dragon, Blue Dragon, Red Dragon, and their bastard sibling Puff.
- D&D isn't flare proof.
- Playing D&D will reduce one's charisma points by 20, and your strength by 15.
- The average D&D player cures their virginity "in-game," 1,000,000 years before they cure their virginity "out-of-game"
- Oscar Wilde discourages the practice of huffing Nerd, which can lead to asthma, diminished sight, acne, and even chronic virginity.
- 4th edition killed Gary Gygax, not the other way around.
- Not to be confused with other abbreviated games, such as S&M, though interestingly, when played together with D&D, it does make for one helluva interesting Sunday afternoon.
- Trying to leave your D&D group,uncalledforily, will only provoke an attack of opportunity from the DM
A typical session could begin when the Dungeon Master leans out of his bedroom window and blares a bugle. Any nerds within about 2D6 thousand square miles will be attracted to the DM's call and cease whatever they are doing to heed it. The ritual begins with gladiatorial combat to remove the dice from behind the other combatants' eyes. Those who collect four D20's, five D6's, Cheetos, and Mountain Dew will be allowed to play. Cheetos and Mountain Dew are distributed and the game truly begins. At some point players may pick a rule and argue about the size penalty of it, and will alway include the statement "That's bullshit, DM! You show me the rule, god dammit. Show me the fucking rule. You look up the rule and show me, I'm going to go for a smoke." This typically continues until the combatants are eaten by a zombie. After the session the DM then goes into hibernation for another week.
Decline in Goblinoid population since Dungeons & Dragons began to be played
Since 1974, Multiverse-wide goblin populations have been decimated. Many scientists believe that this is the direct result of the excessive goblinoid hunting by Player Characters. This may in turn have been caused by misprints listing "+1 longsword, +3 Vs goblins" as costing 2500 copper (rather than gold) pieces, leading most player characters to buy at least two. In 2004, American documentary film maker Michael Moore began filming an exposé about the mistreatment of these peaceful creatures. Production of "Rolling for Goblinkind" was cancelled after the footage was eaten by a shutter-shy bugbear.
D&D players and extinction
Now, thanks to introduction of MMORPG's onto the unexpecting public, players of D&D have become an endangered species. Found in their habitats of parents' basements and college dorms, the D&D players are in danger of becoming extinct as their habitats are slowly being destroyed in favor of an Alienware with high-speed Internet. The D&D players that still play the game have likely not seen daylight since the Cold War, and many adventurers are still found in dusty attics after being found by forgetful parents when they remember they had kids. Because many recovered groups of players killed themselves upon discovery that they were now playing an even more socially unacceptable game than last time they were outside, a government programme exists whereby gamers are wiped of their memory and put back in their attics,convinced that nothing had happened. The room is then secured and parents told to just forget about them and make new children who likely won't turn out so bad.
If something is not done soon, we will lose these beautiful creatures forever. Please, help a D&D player "score" today. You won't regret helping save this brilliant species of animal. In recent years this species of animal is on the rise due to the increasing cost of membership to World of Warcraft, but sadly many new animals are struck down to the older, wiser Lvl 69 clerics.
Attempts at artificial insemination to propagate the breed of D&D-players have failed utterly, since the D&D-players misunderstood the purpose of the test-tubes offered to them and adapted them as dice-rollers to prevent cheating.
At least 80% of the stupid people in the world confuse Dungeons and Dragons with Ducts and Dragons. This has produced several conflicts, and has proved financially devastating to the mothers of all the players in question.
Ducts and Dragons is a derivate of the game that consists of entering a ventilation duct in order to get lost. Though we believe the majority of people use a map, it has been scientifically verified that you get lost, so it's best to be in your school's ducts so that you can skip class for a loooooooooooong time.
The basic point of Ducts and Dragons is to fight against all the wonderful kinds of monsters that you may find, such as rats or cockroaches. Now there are many other things you can do IF you survive, and of course this depends on where you are. You know that if it is a college campus there are women's dressing rooms (we won't assume you are a woman because women have something better to play with than this stupid game). But even there you can take the humiliating damage of slipping on a bar of soap and cracking your skull on an open locker... though I don't give a damn.
The best Ducts and Dragons players know how to keep all their ducts in a row.
Facts about 4th Edition (Also known as 4.Fail)
“4.E killed Gary Gygax OOOH THE HUMANITY!!!!!<Rolls a D20> *Shoots self in head* ”
- Can cause spontaneous ocular hemorrhaging (ideal for donating blood without needles, not so ideal for life expectancy)
- Keep on the Stormhold was bound in the flesh of an archfiend, that's why it smears
- You can beat up your cousin, steal his book and dice and play for free. Yes there are non-computer versions, free of techno-nerds though rife with the regular kind. But that's what warhammers are for
- 4e killed Gary Gygax, also promoted that Michael Jackson should take over the company, promoting the new idea of "in-game" child molestation.
- The sorceror is not an included class in 4E, therefore we have figured he has used his "magic wand" for other things.
- You know those console games where gameplay is mashing the "fire" button as fast as you can? 4th ed is exactly like that.
- It's the only edition where power-players can actually play a Jasonbourne - a character with all, and with "all" we mean TOTALLY ALL, the powers and the skills in the game, and who can beat you up even for evil actions you still have to think about.
- It's proof that Blizzard Entertainment is on a crusade to turn every table top game into an MMORPG with paper. However, 5th edition seems to be subverting this (by making the game suck even more.)
Due to D&D's kick-ass/arse action and hours of mind-numbing enjoyment, there are many famous people who play it, as well as many anoymous dorks who sit in their parents' basements and cry themselves to sleep every night because they don't have a girlfriend to speak of, let alone friends. These are but a few people who waste hours of there lives playing a damn role-playing game when they could be out finding the cure for cancer or something else that is somewhat productive:
-Gandalf the Grey (Gandalf the White is currently playing WoW)
-George W. Bush
-The Men in Black (they are 5th level assassins hunting down the Covenant)