E.T.

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“E.T. tu, Bruté?”

~ Julius Caesar on being abducted
E.T. tries to run away from the doctor after falling from a hole.

E.T. was an Extra-Terrestrial with an Extra Testicle. He was born sometime in the 1960's and lived much of his life on a very randomly named planet. You know that one were talking about. That really smelly one. E.T. Became a media darling in the 1980's, like Steve Guttenberg. But unlike Steve Guttenberg, he remains popular today. After appearing in a highly successful feature film, ET, based on his life, he was unable to hold on to his fame, until his death was announced in 1999. However, since then, he has revealed he is still alive, and is relaunching his showbiz career. Gold-digger.

E.T. was so popular in France - where he was seen as a role model, with his fat little belly and googly eyes - that the government changed their word for 'and' to his name. To this day, those who were opposed to the film's message of forced buggery and animal molestation - cut from many prints of the film, at Steven Spielberg's request, at the same time that the guns held by FBI agents were changed to walkie-talkies - still use the older French word 'boolam'. Luckily, French people opposed to these things form a small percentage of the population and so the change went through largely uncontested.

His arrival on Earth[edit]

E.T. came to the planet earth in 1982 to collect small children which his species would use to create tacos to kill everyone on the planet. He was left behind and went on to live with a family in Roswell, New Mexico and was a popular hit with teenagers as they used him as a punching bag and made him bleed and scream until his eyes poped out of his head.

He lived with the family until 1984, when he became a Faith Healer by shining his penis on the part of the body that hurts. He was known as the Messiah towards many people living in the states of California, Nevada and New Mexico. In 1987 he realized that healing was becoming a very tiring and boring profession as everyone acted so grateful when healed but gave very little money. He decided to make his own film, though this film is very popular and is very touching for many people, nobody saw the scenes that E.T wrote himself, the most prominent of these is a 23 minute sequence of him wanking the shower and another one of him drinking his own piss. He found out that sex was the best thing in the world. This is why he then changed professions to a professional rapist. He is now considered the most famous Alien Rapist to ever exist on the planet Earth. He met Wacko Jacko whilst filming one of his movies.

In the early 1990s, he also chose to briefly become a porn star because of his big red vibrating finger. He has pleasured Captain Jack from Torchwood. But everyone has to admit he looks just like him.

The Oprah Days[edit]

E.T. was best friends with the earth version of Michael Jackson.

While living on the confusing planet, Earth, E.T. decsided to host his (or her) own television show. His show became so popular, that people would call him "the Second Oprah". It lasted 4 years, from 1994 - 1998, before it was axed due to on-air sex between the presenter and the guests, from Sesame Street.

E.T.'s "Death"[edit]

E.T. acting silly, whithout No-shit Sherlock or a Genomorph.

On the date of November 16th, 1999, E.T. was taking a crap in one of the small rivers in southern California when his penis got bitten off by a beaver. Seriously, you couldn't make this stuff up!. E.T., in a fit of horrible pain and now blinded, stumbled into a ravine. He tried to extend his neck and hover out of the hole, but someone was holding him down, and then raping him. He would later discover this was the Jackson himself. This happened again soon after near the ohio river, but this time it was fatal. He died later that day. His body was found floating in a small river and was laid to rest in siberia.

After that, the FBI kidnapped E.T. as a cover considering they were under the payroll of Michael Jackson himself. The FBI held E.T. until 2004 when he discovered alcohol and started binge drinking in secrecy in the FBI's main holding area. He eventually succumbed to alcohol poisoning. The death of E.T. was a serious blow to the global economy and was a leading cause of the collapse of the Soviet Union. (It collapsed 10 years earlier, but it collapsed because they knew ET would be dead in 10 years). Even today, the memories of E.T. still live on. On November 16th, every year, all across Mexico, lighs are shined up into the cloud to pay homage to their beloved E.T.. Hovering in our skies, his parents, still oblivious to his disapearance, try to scare the shit out of primarily the Americans and the Mexicans.

Cover-Up and Trial[edit]

However, in some leaked files from the FBI, it has been recently revealed that ET did not die from alcohol poisoning, and is in fact living among us. The FBI faked ET's death because they had accidentally let him free, and needed to explain to Michael Jackson the reason for his absence. Michael Jackson did not want him free in case he filed a lawsuit. The FBI recently tried to recapture ET, in 2005, when he tried to file a lawsuit against Wacko Jacko. The infamous trial was in all the major newspapers, so the FBI made a deal with ET. So long as he promised to attend the trial in disguise (he went as a Gavin Arvizo), and seeked no further media attention, he could have his freedom.

Michael Jackson bribed the Judge at the trial, and ET did not think this was fair. Therefore, he broke his deal to the FBI, and revealed his story to E! To further irritate them, he is due to play the Scarecrow in the M. Night Shyamalan's 2010 movie The Wizard of Oz Movie, his first major role since ET: The Extra Terrestrial.In the year 5038 he took over the world after scientists found him in a hideout with 3500 stolen kids including Madeline Mc Cann, he was raping her when they found him. He took over all children with his sexual power and the killed their parents and sex ruled as a new sexual empire.

Comeback[edit]

E.T. had a video game released to commemerate his life. It was described at the time as the greatest thing the human race had ever produced (though the Empire though differently), ever (note this was before 4chan and the Wii were created). However all copies of it were eventually destroyed as people were spending such vast amounts of time playing the game instead of working causing a global recession. All copies of the game were buried with the gold underneath the World Trade Centres and the entire population of Earth was brainwashed to assume the game was utter shit, most likely by Jaws.

Since his 2008 revelation he is alive and well (thank the Lord), ET has relaunched his showbiz career, gaining a starring role in The Wizard of Oz Movie, and as was revealed in March 2009, a part in Sir Alan Sugar's The Apprentice. He also is planning to become guest host of Saturday Night Live with Lindsay Lohan, and possibly restart his successful chat show, where he insults Earthlings.

Sir Alan Sugar is close friends with E.T., calling him a "lovely family man". The two were recently seen playing dominoes together in Legitimate Luke's Gentlemen's Club. E.T. won a years supply of Sir Alan's own personal brand of Sugar, which he had brought home by wagon, seeing as how it was too big for his Volvo.

Timeline[edit]

  • 1525 - Arrived on Earth (unofficial claims)
  • 1982 - Arrived on Earth
  • 1984 - Became a Faith Healer
  • 1987 - Starred in first Movie - the original "E.T"
  • 1990 - Turned to the porn industry
  • 1994 - Presented "The Extra Terrestrial Show" for four years
  • 1999 - Beaver accident/rape and subsequent kidnap by the FBI
  • 2004 - Released (accidentally) by the FBI, who announced he was dead.
  • 2005 - Sued Michael Jackson for the rape, but he got away.
  • 2006 - Announced "un-death" and return to showbiz.
  • 2008 - Went back to college for a degree in chemical engineering
  • 5034 - Starts to kidnap and rape kids with his shining penis
  • 5038 - Rules new sexual empire.

Film and TV Credits[edit]

  • ET: The Extra Terrestrial (1987)
  • ET: The Sex-tra Terrestrial (1990)
  • ET: The Horny Alien (1990)
  • ET Bares All (1991)
  • ET Meets Captain Jack: Intergalactic Sex Storm! (1992)
  • The Horny Alien 2 (1993)
  • DT: The Drunken Terrestrial (1994) (This film has Shawn Young as a dancing Bloat Beer Bottle, which sponsored the film).
  • The Extra Terrestrial Show (1994-1998 - television)
  • ET's Real Story: Jacko, The Trial and Me (2007 - E! television)
  • The Wizard of Oz Movie (2010)
  • Thomas and the magic railroad (2010)