ETSU

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East Tennessee State University
Motto Haw haw, we done got yore foldin' money, might as well sit a spell.
Established 1911
School type Public
Location Johnson City, Tennessee, USA
Campus Shithole
Faculty 127
Mascot Fuckinqueer


ETSU (expanded East Tennessee State University, commonly known as The Big Blue Screw) was founded on October 2, 1911. It is a third-rate, land grant school located in Johnson City, Tennessee and is operated by random ideas written on pieces of paper pulled from a top hat.

ETSU was founded as East Tennessee State Normal School, but it was soon discovered that there were no Normal People in Tennessee to attend the school and no one was going to travel to East Tennessee without a gun in their back, so the name was changed to East Tennessee State Teachers College in hopes of attracting teachers to the campus. The ruse worked and hundreds of hapless teachers were enslaved, giving ETSTC its' first educated faculty. In 1963 a massive amount of misprinted textbooks were delivered to ETSTC as the publishers thought ETSTC was a landfill. Now, with both teachers and albeit misinformative textbooks, ETSTC changed its name again, to East Tennessee State Universatee, taking the spelling from the Merrium-Wabstars Dictionaery they received as part of the textbook shipment. The spelling was corrected in 2004, based on information gathered by a student whose cousin's neighbor had traveled "up North" and found themselves lost in a big-city liberry.

Due to the large, indigenous inbred population surrounding the area, ETSU is noted for its' Bluegrass and Country Music program. The school's most famous alumni is Kenny Chesney, a two-time, Inbred Music Association Entertainer of the Year. The school's second most famous alumni is Timothy Busfield, an actor who dropped out of ETSU. This is highly representative of ETSU's student population demographic: 50% local inbred, 50% imported slacker. While ETSU offers many bachelor programs in the liberal arts and even graduate programs in medicine (although the AMA recommends patients who see a degree from ETSU's medical school to flee the premises immediately as they are likely in a Tijuana abortion clinic), most ETSU students graduate with Associates degrees from local community colleges.

Athletic Sports Sports-like teams, nicknamed the Fuckinqueers in honor of the surprisingly large gay community in Johnson City, compete play fail miserably in the NCAA Division I Atlantic Sun Conference. The programs were previously affiliated with the Southern Conference, but they were kicked out of the Southern Conference when ETSU dropped their football program after the 2003 season due to financial losses. The sports-like teams fail miserably in the Mini Dome, which is a large barn that was previously the women's dormitory. The Mini Dome serves as Johnson City's only landmark eyesore and most locals are quite proud of having the only indoor arena on a college campus that is not used for football. Apparently the university recently uncovered a large stash of gold doubloons and is planning to use the money to reactivate the dormant football program, because that's the only fucking way any idiot could justify bringing football back to ETSU.

ETSU is also known for having lots of different trees on campus, which would be fucking awesome if you could park your goddamn car in the trees, since the majority of the parking spaces available are so far from the classrooms that even Jesus would be pissed about how far he had to walk.

Points of Interest[edit]

Are you fucking kidding me? It's Johnson City, Tennessee, not Awesome City, (Not)Tennessee.

Fraternities[edit]

are for repressed homosexuals with limited social skills.

Sororities[edit]

are basically the same as whorehouses.