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Remembering Easter: Easter Refresher Course

Sunday, April 08, 2007
By Oscar Wilde

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Wilde Oscar.jpg
Oscar Wilde
TEXAS — This Easter I decided to see just how many people still remembered the true meaning of the holiday. To do this, I decided to take a stroll through my neighborhood and ask whoever I happened to see. (Disclaimer: Fox News, its subsidiaries, affiliates, and the employees of these subsidiaries and affiliates do not discriminate against groups of people based on their beliefs, heritage, race, religion, social status, etc.)

To my disappointment very few people came up with the response I wanted. Some mentioned Jesus, and I told them, "No, that's Christmas." Others' answers involved Easter eggs, and I had to remind them that these so-called "eggs" were
just small components of certain flash-based computer programs, having absolutely nothing to do with Easter at all. One confused looking man started rambling on about loud music and crack whores, but that was about as close as anyone came.

I guess I'm not surprised that most of us have forgotten the story behind Easter, it's happened a million times before. Hanukkah, Freedom Day, Bank Day, Veterans' Day, and now Easter. Luckily for those of you that have forgotten, I'm here - and I'm always willing to help someone remember again.

It all started with a young man we know as Kurt. Kurt Cobain. The big K.C. Kurt Cobain, as you might recall, was an incredibly talented musician, who single-handedly changed the face of rock & roll. If it weren't for Kurt music wouldn't be nearly as great as it is today. Musicians might use 4-chord progressions instead of just three, and the songs wouldn't be nearly as loud and distortion-filled.

• That Easter is named after Cobain himself? Yeah, ever thought it was a bit of a coincidence that both Easter and Cobain have an A in it? That’s right. Cobain.
• That Chocolate is also named after Cobain? That’s right. Cobain.
So Cobain was a successful musician who did something different and influenced everyone who came after him. Big deal, right? I mean, Elvis did it, the Beatles did it, so what?! Well, Kurt did something that the Beatles and Elvis would have never even thought about doing - on second thought, maybe Elvis - he killed himself. And by putting that gun in his mouth, pulling the trigger, and blowing his heroin-filled brains out, Cobainism was born.

Cobainism, of which most of you are members (whether you remember this or not), is a group of people who live their lives
through the teachings of Kurt Cobain. Cobainists celebrate many holidays, most notably Easter. Easter is the day that Kurt, his body being discovered in the early morning, is said to have finally left this Earth and taken his place in Rock God Heaven.

Every year, on this day, Cobainists pay tribute to their Savior, and pray for his return, whenever that may be.
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