Eating too many drugs

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Not these...

The Concept[edit]

Not to be confused with doing or taking drugs, eating too many drugs actually does not involve the consumption of anything, however, the effects may be enhanced by the consumption of certain substances. The actual process involves little more than a happying experience, resulting in a considerable boost in mood. From that moment on, "drug-like" symptoms are experienced (for a full list see below) and the "user" feels "high" - until they eventually wear off some time later, and said "user" is once again in their natural sober state. "Recovery rates," as some people like to refer to them, usually last between ten minutes to three days. They are partially affected by current quality of life - those in a particularly positive state of mind find effects can last even up to a week, while those going through a rough patch in their lives often need regular "fixes" to prevent the positive side-effects from wearing off within minutes. It should also be noted that the likelihood of having eaten too many drugs increases by 300% on Wednesdays as they are the coolest day of the week. The negative influences of a Monday, on the other hand, often lead to any side-effects back-firing, and so all who wish to practise safe drug eating generally take this day off. Normal drug-eating patterns recommence Tuesday, once the suckiest day of the week is over.

Eating too many drugs is the term used when any of the following side effects are experienced:

  • chronic happiness
  • humming
  • whistling
  • smuggling cheese
  • pointy shoes
  • expulsion
  • repeating stuff
  • chips (the British, fried pieces of potato kind, not the American fried slices of potato kind, which are clearly called CRISPS)
  • sweat patches
  • mismatching shirt and tie combinations
  • leading people the wrong way round one-way systems
  • mixting languages
  • inventing words (for example: mixting)
  • repeating stuff
  • frothy
  • being ginger (although some people are like this naturally through no fault of their own drug eating habits)
this gingerness WAS caused by eating too many drugs.prior to a binge in 2003 he was a brunette.
  • creepy laughter
  • Tintin
  • getting your tie pulled
  • becoming delusional
  • obsessions
  • pouting
  • dreaming about getting attacked by a fat boy in a tight white tshirt at a house party
  • leaning against lockers in a suggestive manner
  • quoting Green Wing
  • extreme talkativity
  • tendencies to write lists
  • repeating stuff
  • forgetting things
  • living in a bin
  • cupboarding an awful lot (especially with foreigners)

It may seem like a good idea to lay off the drugs for fear of experiencing symptoms such as these, although eating too few drugs can be just as risky. Known side effects of not eating enough drugs include:

  • confusion
  • boredom
  • wearing a dazed, far away expression
  • being a freak
  • muteness
  • square head syndrome
  • monotony
  • disorientation
  • extreme hypocrisy
  • physics
  • crushing sporks

A Day in the Life of a Drug Eater[edit]

8am - Ate some drugs, fried some chips. Found myself whistling uncontrollably and highly out of tune. Could not seem to stop.

9am - Made up my own word, "compo". I think it means computer but I'm not sure. Chronic happiness is clouding my judgment.

10am - Someone was about to pull my tie but didn't. I think the drugs are wearing off. Now for some Physics!

11am - My head was feeling unusually cornery and sort of blockish so I ate some more drugs. I had the sudden urge to pull the nearest person/animal/inanimate object into a cupboard and start doing unspeakable things to it. Instead I came up with the idea of writing a list of everything I had done during the day when it was over.

12am - Took a nap, but woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming about being stabbed by a guy in a white shirt at some sort of rave. Alphabetised everything I own and then washed my hands for half an hour.

11pm - I appear to be in a large bin, surrounded by is surprisingly homely here. I cannot remember anything after about 1pm...

If you feel you are eating more drugs than too many please do not hesitate to join your local Drug Eaters Anonymous support group. There you will be able to share your experiences with others in similarly pointy shoes to yours and have a generally quite spiffing time.

these guys just can't help it.