Eduard Khil

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Eduard Anatolyevich Khil
"Mr Trololo"
Eduard Anatolyevich Khil"Mr Trololo"
Date of birth: 4 September 1934
Place of birth: Smolensk, Western Oblast, Russia
Nationality: Russian of Spanish descent (he said it himself)
Died 4 June 2012 (77 years)
St. Petersburg, Russia
Known for Trolololololololol...
Occupation -singer
-sexy teddy bear
-badass anti-communist
Religion Orthodox Christian; devout of St. Ksenija of Petersburg
Spouse Zoya Pravdina, 1958-2012 (his death)
Children Dmitri Khil (b. 2 June 1963)
Website http://edhill.narod.ru/
Bouncywikilogo2.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Eduard Khil.
DramaticQuestionMark.png
Did you know…
One day, Khil met a random group of hobos. They turned out to be fans. When they heard that his pension totally sucked, they tried to give him all the random change they had in their cups. Khil refused, saying that they needed the money more than he.

“My life was so full of weird shit, you couldn't make any of this up.”

~ Eduard Khil on this article

“Vodka horosho!”

~ Camilo Sesto on being even more drunk than Stalin

“Why did I forget to kill this guy...”

~ Stalin on hating religion

“Likeeeeeeeee!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on totally having a boner for this dude

Eduard Anatolyevich Khil (original Russian: Эдуард Анатольевич Хиль, also transliterated as Ed Hil, Edward Hill, Édouard Khil, or even Eduardo Gil, as well as numerous other variations throughout the world) was a Russian baritone, best known for "I am very happy because I'm coming back home", also known as "Vokaliz" or "Trololo". Apart from being a singer, he also bitch-slapped communists.[1] Nevertheless, the government was full of fanboys.

Early life[edit]

I see dead people. Mommy, do you not have bread?”

~ Eduard Khil during WWII

Eduard Khil was born 4 September 1934,[2] and was baptised as "Gyorgy".[3] He has one sister, Lyudmila. His childhood totally sucked because of WWII. The Nazis bombed his kindergarten, somehow he became separated from his mom, his dad was never seen again, and he temporarily lived in an orphanage where he almost starved to death, and where, in a nearby hospital, he sang for wounded soldiers and was forced to huff kittens. Somehow he survived this, and after the Nazis left, he was reunited with his mom. As a result of surviving, Eduard became deliriously happy, and remained that way for the rest of his life.

Dat curious name, tho...[edit]

Contrary to popular belief, his last name had nothing to do with the English name Hill. He himself said that it was probably because he had a Spanish ancestor with the last name Gil. In his own words, "it was probably a random Spanish soldier, wounded during Napoleon Dynamite's invasion, who decided to stay in Russia because fuck you Napoleon." [4] Later, when he toured the world, he encountered many people named Gil, not only in obvious places like Spain, Portugal, and Latin America, but also in very surprising places, like Sweden.[5]

Career[edit]

Eduard Khil's first recording, "Себежанка", was released in 1962. Much of his career afterward had to do with songs about soldiers, the sea, or soldiers at sea. Why? Who knows. But apart from this type of song, which he sang with many feels, he also sang many optimistic, romantic songs... which, due to the unique qualities of the baritone voice, also sounded like feels. Not that this mattered to the 978654376875 women and girls of Russia alive at that time who were not his wife; compared to most Russian guys, he looked like a giant teddy bear, and as a result, they all wanted his хуй inside their пизда... but apparently his wife wasn't jealous, because he wasn't a cheater. tee-hee! But apparently, he was literally sexy enough to kill for; one crazy fangirl, obviously lacking basic logic, wanted him so much that she actually tried to snipe his wife. Luckily for wifey, the bullet only struck the window frame, which means that not only was this girl stupid, but also had terrible aim. Strange, no?

After the Soviet Union ended in 1991, Eduard Khil became unemployed, so he went to Paris and sang in a cabaret called, unimaginatively enough, "Rasputin". Also, he sang with his son, and later, with his grandson.

The story of Trololo[edit]

“In Soviet Russia, comedian laughs at YOU!!!”

~ Yakov Smirnoff on trololo

Я очень рад, ведь я, наконец, возвращаюсь домой (I am very glad, because I'm finally coming home)... is a long-ass title for a song without words. It was written in 1966 by a jew, Arkady Ostrovsky.[6] Most people know the story of this song's complete lack of lyrics, right? That it was a communist bitch-slap, because the original lyrics were censored? Well, all of you are wrong. The truth, according to both Khil himself and Ostrovsky's son, is that the lyrics were a piece of crap. Basically, this one dude wrote some stupid-ass lyrics about a cowboy riding his mustang through Kentucky to meet his wife who is knitting a sock.[7] Arkady Ostrovsky took a look at the lyrics and said, "These lyrics are shit." So then the other dude replied, "Fine! Forget it! But remember, a song is nothing without lyrics!" To which Ostrovsky replied, "Well then, fuck you and your shitty lyrics! I can manage without them!" And probably they stuck out their tongues at each other. So basically, it was a troll even before "trolling" existed. However, by the time anyone got around to asking him about these lyrics and why they were so crappy, Khil no longer remembered, nor did he give a flying fuck.

Three other guys have sung "Trololo":

  • Muslim Magomayev, an Azerbaijani singer who usually sang in Russian anyway (and yes, his name really was Muslim, even though he himself probably wasn't). His video showed us that it is OK to troll your friends at the dinner table.
  • Valery Obodzinsky, a Ukrainian who in 1997 drank himself to death when, after realizing his second wife was a bitch, he tried to return to his first wife; she refused him because he was an adulterous douchebag. His trololo was a jazz.
  • Koós János, a Hungarian who sang one verse of shitty lyrics in his own version... and is also a major drunk.

In any case, if the video[8] of this song had been shown to the Americans in 1976, it is possible that the Cold War would have ended much sooner.

Personal life[edit]

“How dare you! *bitch slap* hee hee hee

~ Zoya on being very surprised by the first kiss

Eduard Khil married a exotic dancer ballerina, Zoya Pravdina, in 1958. They met while they were studying together at the conservatory of Leningrad, and remained married until his death. In 1963, they had one son, Dmitri. In 1997, Dmitri had a son, named Eduard II. Dmitri and Eduard II are also singers. Not surprisingly, Dmitri is also a baritone, and Eduard II seems to be on his way to becoming a baritone.

Death[edit]

“Death is a continuation of life.”

~ Eduard Khil on being optimistic to the end

Eduard Khil died 4 June 2012, aged 77. Putin turned out to be a major fanboy, as he actually had something to say about it.

4 June was afterward declared Official Troll Day, so for all you trolls out there: Don't forget to troll a communist!

May he troll in peace.

Notes[edit]

  1. This is true. One of his songs was called "Remove Lenin from the money, so that it may be worth something!" (or, for short, "Remove Lenin from the money!") Somehow, he did not get in trouble.
  2. Or possibly 1933. The year is uncertain because during WWII, his ID was lost, and when it was finally found, someone fucked up.
  3. A word to any Russian Orthodox readers: How does that work?
  4. Apparently there are so many Spanish Russians named Gil, that the honorific "Don Gil" is actually a wordplay... and the pun means... green pants?
  5. Now the question is, how did a Spaniard end up all the way over there?
  6. His first name was actually Avram. Not making this up.
  7. First of all, why not two socks?
  8. In the spirit of Russian humor, here is a hilarious anecdote: The famous video was filmed in a suite in Sweden, which he got in exchange for a set of matryoshka dolls. When Khil was about to sing "Trololo", he told the audience that he was going to sing in their language. When the audience finally realized that they had been trolled, they all had a good laugh. A similar situation happened in Germany and Holland.