Warning!! This article contains serious bashing on the sexual disorientation of Edward Cullen.
Edward Cullen appeared out of no-where, and was instantly the hottest guy in the entire universe... apparently. He was in fact so hot that everybody in a 500m radius to him spontaneously combusts and anybody in a 1000m radius get Chronic Ass Rabies. He can make women orgasm just by looking at them. Some people believe that the unknown appearance of Edward Cullen means he is the 58th incarnation of Christ.
Cullen, or the Cullster, gained his name after he issued a cull on the entire Kiwi population of Antarctica, which resulted in the deaths of 2 penguins and somebody bruising their left arm. He has also been reported to be an extreme Ass Pirate, although this is strictly not true, because as a vampire, a long, pointy steak would kill him (the relatively new and ingenious method of killing vampires involving steaks is believed to have been invented by Tara Gillespie, infamous authoress of My Immortal). He is the illegitimate son of Dracula and Janet Reno, after they conceived him in the London Underground. Edward Cullen has appeared in 1 movie, but he is already richer than God and Bill gates combined.
Life Story - Pre Twilight
Contrary to popular belief, Edward Cullen, also known as Eddie, Sparkles, BowChickyWowWowGlitterTrannykins or Glitter Girl, did not become a vampire and fully male until after escaping what would have been a burning-at-the-stake during the Toast Wars. At the age of 24 months, he was actually reincarnated, and assumed the alter-ego of Cedric Diggory. This ever so gay, pale skinned, retard lived for many years, the perfect disguise to his abusive vampire nature. Although, after displaying excessive gayness, he was killed off by J.K. Rowling herself. After his death in Book 4 of the Harry Potter Series; Edward decided to pursue a career in assuming lame personas in films as a disguise. Through hard work and threats, he was accepted at Harvard, and immediately began his studies in Lame Acting, Abusive Relationships, Stalker 101, Faggy Sprinkles Tech, and Law (in case he was ever sued). During his time at Harvard, not only did he love the tight pants, showers, locker rooms and male cheerleaders, but Edward's speed and agility (and sparkles) won him a place as Quarterback for 2 years.
Whilst at Harvard, Edward befriended only one person, due to pity; Barack Obama. Obama felt so sorry for Edward that he used to talk to him after Law lectures. Edward told Obama of his vampire origins, and Barack thoroughly thought Edward was missing half his brain. However, they together devised a plan of world domination. Edward proposed a massive human sacrifice, cults (7th-Day-Adventists), whilst Obama put forward a more democratic alternative; "I become president, and you become a teenage pin-up sex symbol". Together they came up with the ideas of Twilight, Stephanie Meyer and "YES WE CAN!". When creating Stephanie Meyer, many compromises were made; Edward wanted her to be a 7th-Day-Adventist Freak, but Obama wished to create a cult member ; they agreed upon Mormon. Edward wanted her to be the fattest woman alive, whereas Obama wished for an anorexic-bulimic; they agreed upon an unattractive-loser who grew up imagining the stories they had planned out together. And so they made her, initiating their diabolic plan. They both graduated, and Edward focused his attention upon Stephanie.
He hypnotized his creation with his sparkles to then write a series of novel about him- the first crucial step toward world domination. Being a noobie author at the time, Stephanie Meyer was forced by Edward to follow the instruction of a Jedi Master J.K.Rowling, but it was to be Rowling's undoing as soon Meyer became even more powerful than she; Meyer destroyed Rowling with the awesome power of High Heel Shoes. (Step 2 in world domination was complete- revenge for Edward's sack/murder as Cedric Diggory) NOTE:Incidentally, it became a secret past time of Edward's to wear the awesome Heels, from which eventually spawned his success during his fashion career, which he pursued whilst Stephanie was writing purple prose each and every day.
Edward got into the fashion industry by *dazzling* people with his ability to sparkle. In 1998, he became a prominent spokesman for Prada, Gucci, Baby Phat, Baby Blood, and D&G, along with Salon Kids. But, unfortunately, his contracts were rather short-lived, due to his involvement in the September 11 terrorist attacks, in which he was convicted of exchanging highly classified national intelligence (which he stole from Obama, with the "Accio" spell he had learned from his Harry Potter stint) for some Durka-Durkastani genitalia. This, coupled with being convicted of being creepier than Michael Jackson and gayer than Elton John, earned him a life sentence in Guantanamo Bay. Fortunately/Unfortunately, having had his metal eating ability overlooked by the Supreme Court of ROWP(Rich Old White Pricks), Edward was able to escape through his iron barred window and flew off with a young Kristen Stewart.
After he escaped, Edward spent some time with Stephanie, only to find she had written 28 novels about herself and Edward; Edward spent months re-hypnotizing her and then left her to cultivate his new alter-ego. Robert Pattinson. AKA RPattz. He was to be a a human version of himself, and an actor, who would play himself in the film series based upon the shod of a book series that would become an instant fan craze (steps 6,7, and 8). However, as Stephanie was much more idiotic than planned, and, taking an excessively long time to write one shitty book, he turned back to the fashion industry as Rob Pattinson. This time around wasn't as successful, and he only did a few modelling shoots. These had a catastrophic effect, as he found himself constantly being bashed in the street. The bashing became so frequent that Edward sought refuge with other washed up celebrities in the small Bogan town of Forks, situated under the worlds largest shower (used in "the bathroom scene" of Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman). Here he started his life over once more under the name Edward Cullen with his new "family", and fell in (stalker) love with a girl called Bella.
(Insert Twilight Series Here)
This is in accordance with Prof. Snape's 3rd Law of Psychonoexistential Theory, which states simply that: Anyone who has no thoughts within their head can not have their thoughts read. This is widely accepted by no one in particular as the cause behind Edward's inability to read Bella's mind... of course, it has also been suggested that, once again, Stephanie Meyer is the worst thing to come to the fantasy/vampire genre, and simply sucks literature balls.
To this day, Edward keeps in touch with Barack, and the crucial step 12 approaches with each and every passing day; it is only time for EC to follow the pattern of other actors (Kumar) and descend into the ranks of government officials before it will be rushing at us.
Main Article: Twilight (book)
Twilight is a series of books featuring Edward Cullen as a marketing ploy, by Edward Cullen. The line of reasoning went something like this: girls love diamonds, therefore girls will like Edward. It worked. Therefore this Edward Cullen is the most common imaginary boyfriend amongst girls all over the world- and yes believe it or not he did reach world domination as a teen-pin-up. Thus it proved the Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend Theory, as hypothesized by the great scientist, social justice advocate and part-time nun, Moulin Rouge.
Several celebrities have already expressed enthusiasm for joining the cast of Twilight, and yes, he did get a movie deal, including such teen porn stars as Miley Cyrus, Avril Lavigne, Taylor Swift, Dakota Fanning (as Renesme), Paris Hilton's dog, Tinkerbell (as a werewolf), Michelle Obama (as Queen of the Volturi), Anna Nicole Smith, Tinkerbell (the real one, from Peter Pan, only more of a slut), and several underpaid zombies who were rejected from their auditions to be featured in 28 Days Later, because they couldn't run fast enough.
Edward Cullen has never been happy enough for over many years for not being too sparkly enough in front of other gay vampires like him. After attempting to publish (but failed) his new book called "Gay of the Dead", he tried to become straight and fall in love with the albino, teenage version of Ugly Betty named Bella Swan. They were drawn together because of their hobby of "Sucking the Cock". Being the Gary Stu hoo hoo from the famous teen flick Twilight, he earned a degree and career, and even a scholarship, at some unknown university for producing fake and retarded diamonds. Although Edward still has many years of filming(as Robert Pattinson)ahead of him, the Twilight "Saga" is OVERRRR!!!!!! This has resulted in a new public holiday and has caused mass elation world-wide. Edward is tipped to sign a contract with Apple as either the face of the new Macbook or it is rumoured, as Steve Job's personal sex slave. There is speculation they will begin a new religion - 7th-Day-Buddas (Buddhism and 7th-day-Adventists combined)whose figurehead will be Miley Cyrus.
How To Kill Edward Cullen
For some reason, this silly bitch is still alive. Naturally, this is rather upsetting, and an embarassment to incubi, zombies, jewelry, inferi, porn stars, vampire wanna-bes (a.k.a. goths), meyerpires, and emo sluts everywhere. The solution?
- 1) take the high road and ignore him, or
- 2) since you're reading this god damn article anyway, do something productive and kill the slimy toad! or
- 3) cut his balls off and burn them.or
- 4)cut off his penis. Oh wait...he doesn't have one. Never mind.
Here are some ways that have scientifically proven to have 85% Hit + 15% Crit in killing Edward Cullen:
- with chuck norris (guarenteed 100% critical)
- with bruce lee (even more critical than chuck norris)
- with Mr. T -- he can smother edward's sparkles with his blackness causing him to commit suicide
- with small kittens
- with large kittens
- with killer kittens
- by somehow earning a favor with Frank Sinatra's buddies and getting some backup
- by saying the word "Ni!" very loudly
- with the Hydrangea Bomb
- with Count Dracula
- with Mice traps
- by playing Mouse Trap
- with in-jokes
- with out-jokes
- with sticks and stones
- by reading this article
- by telling him anything that could prompt him toward suicide. Don't worry about plausability. He's as gullible as a Crumple Horned Snorkack.
- by putting glitter all over your body.
- with the demon barber of fleet street (this despite the fact that he's far too young for any form of shave because his balls haven't dropped yet)
- call in a favour from Dante or solicit his Devil May Cry establishment about a vampire-slaying job (hire prices may vary depending on sparkle)
- with Elmo
- by asking Dr. Phil to consult him....then he might stop sparkling
- by stabbing him in his heart; Elizabeth Swann's got it hidden somewhere...
- with James Brown
- with Bella Swan's face
- with Stephanie Meyer's laptop
- with straight porn...it will blind him temporarily and prevents him from ever sparkling again
- Tyler's van.
- tell Dracula all about his gayness and get him to do the dirty work for you
- repeat the above will all other cool vamps for maximum effect
- Kill Bella
- build a time machine and kill him when he was human
- use a rocket launcher
- seduece an evil villian and convince him to kill Edward
- in fact, tell Voldermort that he never managed to kill Cedric this is a sure win
- use a small cuddely toy
- show him this article
- convince him Bella is a lesbian
- find a way to turn Bella into a lesbian
- with a large amount of Mujahideens
- make him fall in love with a Femma-Nazi. She will sort him out.
- with a holy hand grenade
- call the indian werewolves
- call van helsing
- a mirror: they will reflect his glitters and make him self-conscious
- tell the wuss to go to /b/ on 4chan (he'll be so mortally offended that he will become an hero)
- rip of all his arms and legs and burn them