Edward Elric

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Edward Elric
Edwardelric.jpg
The puny douchebag alchemist himself
First appearance Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
Last appearance The Littlest Pet Shop
No. appearances Way too many
Created by Tom Cruise
Portrayed by A Bean
Profile
Nickname(s) Greasy, Shorty Spot-Spot, halfmetal alchemist, dwarf
Aliases Full Chin Alchemist
Species Electron
Age Always under the legal age and legal height
Gender Hermaphrodite and transvesite
Date of birth 15 years ago
Date of death Every two seconds
Starsign virgo (poor boy was too "short" to get laid)
Occupation Finding a body for his metal brother "poor alphonse is fed up of not getting laid)
Family tin foil
Spouse(s) His metal brother
Children The Human Race
Relatives None
Address The whorehouse
Religion Satanism
Nationality Germany
Would Joseph Stalin pasteurize him/her? Only with Pyrex
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“He's as short as me.”

~ Prince on Edward Elric

Edward Elric is the well know fullmetal alchemist from the anime "FullMetal Alchemist" (obviously). The anime potrays his quest to steal his brother's immortality by giving him a mortal human body and also his quest to find the philosopher's stone (J.K Rowling is totally pissed with them for copying her "Sorcerer's stone") so that he can get his limbs back and ruin his brother's immortality.



Main Characters[edit]

Edward Thomas Elric (also known as Eduardo El Rico) is the protagonist of anime documentary called Fullmetal Alchemist. He's a midget, usually compared to be size of a bean. In reality he's much smaller and can be seen only by an electron microscope. He is also a true hermaphrodite, possessing both testicles and a uterus; and therefore, able to fertilize his own eggs. He's constantly being sexually interrupted by Snape, who apparently killed Dumbledore using his methods not suitable for under-age people. He is also seventh in line to the British throne, the current Earl of Wessex, and a little lad who loves berries and cream. His best friend is Vegeta since both of them can relate to each other in the stupidity and shortness zone.

He has a walking tin can as his brother, called Alphonse Elric. Apparently he's just Edward's imaginary friend, because anime Edward is such a lonely and angsty character. When trying to retrieve their dead mother Alphonse lost his body (and after that Edward started to play with tin cans - he left Alphonse's soul in a pokéball), and Edward lost his left arm and right leg and replaced them with automail. Later he wanted to make some new fancy tin cans for his collection and he became a State Alchemist called Full Chin Alchemist.

In Memoriam to our Great Fuhrer Edward Elric. Long Live the Eternal Alchemist!!! Kim Jong-II has nuthin' on you!!

At The Conquerer of Whambamshamalam Edward was just running around and killing random people for fun, just to be sure that he could have kinky parties called holocausts with Adolf Hitler. He also killed his wnb-brother Alfonse Heiderich , and just to be sure having VIP-place for the party he killed his father Hohenheim as well as the humunculi Envy, Wrath, Izumi Curtis, Elvis Presley, King Bradley/Pride, Yoki, Mufasa, Sirius Black, Kakashi and Napoleon Dynamite. As a killing method he used a large hammer, stolen from Rabi, the sexiest exorcist ever.

In manga version Edward usually acts a little bit different, commonly flashing his private parts to little Xingese girls and poor pandas and playing dress-up with Razor Ramon HG.


Roy mustang is basically Edward's boss who is a dickless womanizer. He finds happiness in molesting people (practically the reason why Edward hated him). The only man *cough* woman he doesn't molest is his secretary who's dying to get molested by him. Finally when the series came to an end, Mustang was kidnapped by his assistant and she feeds him apples (Ryuk is planning to write her name in the death note since the bitch is stealing all his apples)

Relationships[edit]

Edward, for all show and evidence, is asexual. However, he sustains a kinky relationship with Winry Rockbell as a form of payment for the automail she provides him with. Some of people say that he also had something with Envy, Rose Bitchface, Tin Can Man or even Roy Mustang, which are totally false. Envy's in love with Harry Potter, Rose Bitchface is obviously a lesbian twice his age; Tin Can Man is an imaginary friend and Colonel Roy Mustang spends all his bedtime with his subordinate Jean Havoc, not doing his paperwork and having sex on every desk within the vicinity. Despite Edward's microscopic size, they could not find space for him in the Fuhrerbed.

There has been rumour, that Edward has a great harem of fangirls that will satisfy his every sexual desire with the crook of a metallic finger. However he's STILL too shy to read the porn his loved friend Adolf Hitler gives to him for free. He's also known to expose himself to Xingese pandas in an obvious display of beastiality fetish.

It is also worth mentioning that Edward is related to Prince A.K.A the artist formerly known as symbol. Think about it, they are both short and they both do really "crazy" things. Ed also says who ever made this is a total fag

Skills[edit]

Edward can do many fancy little magic tricks, and who couldn't, when named as Full Chin Alchemist. Nowadays he is a fat, lazy housewife who continues making babies even though he got into the Guiness Book of World Records for having the most babies a LONG TIME AGO.

What Ed Can't Do[edit]

Stop having children

Resist fake blondes

Drink milk because he love's being short

Get any taller

Look good with black hair

Be fancy

Reveil what he's feeling